Put You Down (Jerry Cantrell x OFC) (Alice In Chains)

Chapter 9

I find myself unable to sleep, lost in thought as I replay certain situations in my head. This happens too often. I get up at 3 in the morning and then I over think, then I drift off again at about 6.

The PTSD takes hold when I'm most vulnerable.
I feel anxious and sit up in bed, before my feet reach the plush carpet on the floor.

I stand, naked now and pull Jerry's plaid shirt over me. It's just long enough to cover my modesty, and I button it up.

I walk downstairs to the kitchen and turn on the kettle, finding my favourite mug and place a chamomile tea bag into it.
Once the kettle has boiled, I pour the water into my mug and let the tea brew.

One of the cats jumps up and gives me quite a startle.

"Ted!!" I say, laughing slightly. "Be careful!"

Once my tea is brewed, I head to the lounge, Ted following.

I look at the mantle and see pictures of family, friends and the band.
Many photos are dotted around the place, some on the walls and some set down on a surface.

I pick up a picture of Jerry in the 90s, he can't be older than 25, with a slender, blonde man wearing black sunglasses.

Layne.

Layne Staley.

His tragic passing in 2002 is well known and I know it affected Jerry but I'm not sure to what extent. He never mentions Layne, but I've seen many pictures of them with the band and just of the two of them. They are like chosen brothers, and I get the feeling Jerry was quite protective of his friend.

I look over and see a picture of him with Mike Starr, Alice in Chains' first bass player, who also passed but in 2011.

The tragedy Jerry and the band have endured throughout their lives is for sure deeply saddening.
This is when I realise, me and Jerry need to speak to each other more. We need to learn more about each other than just our bodies.

I sit on the couch and turn on the TV and lower the volume, just so I have noise in the background.
It's a repeat of 'Golden Girls' and I happily watch along while I sip on my beverage.

Ted jumps up and sits beside me, curling into a ball.

Moments later that sickness and nauseous feeling returns, so I put my mug down on the coffee table and quickly run to the closest bathroom.

Immediately my head is over the toilet bowl and I'm puking my guts up.
There's something not quite right. I thought it was some kind of sickness bug, but given the fact that this happens at random times throughout the day, I'm starting to think it might be something else.

I decide to head upstairs and throw on some jeans and converse. I go back downstairs and grab my car keys and head out the door.

I decide to drive to the nearest convenience store and maybe get a pregnancy test.
I am pretty sure I'm not pregnant but I just want to rule it out.

There's a place open not far from the house and I park up.
I walk inside and look for the feminine health products.

So many tests, I'm unsure what to choose. I've only ever taken a few of these before, when I was with Danny.

I pick up a packet with 2 tests and head to the counter.

I put it down on the side for the cashier to put through the cash register.

Once I pay, I take my item and head back to the car.
I take a deep breath as I feel the anxiety hitting me like a speed train.

A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away. Then a few more, until I'm sobbing, sitting at the wheel.
My head rests on the steering wheel as I let out all my pent up emotion.

Thoughts of Danny, the baby we were once expecting, worried this could happen once more.

Once I feel like I can drive, I go back to the house.

I let myself in and go to the bathroom to take the test.
I do 2 just to make sure and wait for the results anxiously, leaving the tests upon the counter top in the bathroom.

I leave the bathroom and go and do some laundry while I wait. Even though it's technically work, it feels like another household chore now I'm about to live there.

After throwing some clothes in the washer and some in the dryer, I nervously walk to the bathroom and check the tests I did not too long ago.

I stare at the results.
Both the same.

I put my hand to my mouth in shock.

"Holy fucking shit." I say to myself quietly.

My heart is racing. I don't know what to do. It's like finding out something you didn't expect and feeling indifferent about it. One thing is for certain though I'm terrified.

Pregnant.
Thats what the digital tests say.

How will I do this? The media will find out about me and Jerry sooner or later. How do I raise a child surrounded by people who will do just about anything to get a story?

These thoughts are racing throughout my head and I catch my breath.
I feel faint and nauseous again, my whole body feeling like it's over heating.

Is this normal? Or am I going through a miscarriage again?

I can't make sense of any of it.

How do I tell Jerry?
He's in his 50s, if he wanted to have kids, he would have had them by now....surely. Is this gonna mess everything up for him?

Now the negative thoughts begin.

What if I'm silenced by Jerry and his management team? Get paid off and sent away to pretend he isn't the father. What if Jerry leaves me?

I continue to take deep breaths in a bid to control my breathing and stop me from hyperventilating.

I walk to the lounge again and sit on the sofa, staring at the results still.

The cat is still curled up on the sofa and I'm sitting next to him as I ponder what on earth I'm going to do.

It's too early to call anyone.
I'll have to make a doctors appointment and go and see them at some point. See what they say.

After spending an hour or so downstairs, I head back up to bed.

I undress once more and climb into bed next to Jerry. I turn over facing the other side to him. He turns around too and hugs me close to him as he is sleeping but slightly aware.
His hand is placed on my stomach where our baby is growing, yet he doesn't know.

I close my eyes and see what could and couldn't happen.

So I'm expecting a child....with Jerry Cantrell...

What in the fuck is happening?