COMPLETED | Take Me Down The Rabbit Hole (BDSM | 18+)

XXXII

"Alan," Aspen mumbled, as soon as they had set down with their obligatory daily cups of tea and a plate of lemon cookies. "Do you remember how we met?"
"Yes," Alan confirmed without hesitation. "Of course I do. Do you?"
Aspen nodded and wrapped his hands around his cup to keep them from shaking. "It was in High School. I was a Freshman, and you were a Sophomore."
Alan hummed and nodded solemnly. "I had a girlfriend back then-"
What?
Aspen didn't say anything, and Alan chuckled drily. "At the time I was so heavily closeted that I felt like I couldn't exist unless I was-" he interrupted himself. "How does Spencer put it? Straight-passing?"
"People didn't know you had a girlfriend," Aspen butted in before he could stop himself, and for a second it felt as if he could crush the ceramic cup with his bare hands. Instead, he forced himself to lift it and take a sip of the tea, the steaming liquid burning his tongue.
"No, they didn't. She went to another school, and I hung out with her at my parents' house on the weekends I wasn't hanging out with her at her parents' house."
"Sounds suspicious."
"She came out to me before we started dating. Back then, she identified as lesbian, and we had a mutual agreement. We both felt like it was easier to exist in High School when we wouldn't give people anything to bully us for."
Aspen noticed a different kind of warmth spreading through his body, and when he tore his attention away from his cup, he noticed that Alan had put his free hand on top of Aspen's and was rubbing idle circles into the palm of Aspen's hand.
"I-" Aspen started. "I really hate having to put this all out here because I feel like it will definitely ruin everything we have, whether it be a friendship or our relationship as dom and sub in training but- Thea-"
"Ah," Alan just said.
"I need you to know that I've loved you from the moment I first saw you in the hallway on my first day of school," Aspen said, and it felt like the words were flowing from his mouth like a waterfall. "I never stopped loving you. And- I know this is- Selfish but-" He gulped hard and glanced at Alan, who had a strangely unreadable expression on his face as he watched Aspen. "You broke my heart when you announced your relationship with Leo after you graduated."
As if on autopilot, Aspen pulled his hand out from under Alan's and reached for the plate of cookies, stuffing one into his mouth in a feeble attempt to battle the nerves that were making his stomach rumble.
Silence settled over them, sitting at the dining table, hands inches apart from each other. The two wolves inside Aspen, as Thea had phrased it, where fighting a battle of life and death over whether or not he should throw himself at Alan and kiss him.
Aspen wasn't that desperate.
Eventually, Alan moved, and engulfed him in a hug.
"Thank you," he said slowly, as if he was weighting out every word, "for telling me all this. And I'm sorry that I gave you a reason to be upset with me for 14 years."
"You don't have to apologize. This is all on me. I could have said something to you, all those years ago-"
"I'm glad you didn't," Alan said softly, interrupting him in his ramblings. "If you had, I would have dumped you to save my own pride, which would have made me an asshole in your eyes and we wouldn't have stayed friends."
"Being friends with you is hard," Aspen said, willing his voice to stay strong - but it still faltered, betrying him and all the emotions that he had been carrying around for over a decade.
"I know," Alan said solemnly. "I'm a proper asshole."
Aspen nodded. "I- Uh-"
"Yes?" Alan prodded gently, lifting Aspen's head and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Oh, you're shaking," he observed, his voice barely above a whisper. "I know just the thing for that."
Aspen should have expected Alan to be strong mentally and physically, but he still huffed in surprise when Alan pulled him from his seat and picked him up bridal style before carrying him into the guest bedroom and putting him down on the bed.
"I'm going to take your clothes off," he told Aspen in a tone that meant finality and then stripped Aspen down to his boxers. "Get under the covers."
Seconds later, Aspen was buried into his bedding, and Alan was next to him, running his fingers through Aspen's hair as Thea had done before.
"Is there anything else you'd like to say?" he inquired, and Aspen nodded.
"I know you're honoring your fiance by not having sex with me, but I- I'd like to be intimate without sex, if that is on the table."
Alan chuckled. "Yes, that is definitely on the table. And so is me using a strap-on, provided you're comfortable with that."
"It's not selfish of me to say yes to that?"
"No," Alan said immediately. "If at all, it's selfish of me, to want to find a loophole in an agreement I am - as you said - honoring for Spencer's sake. But a strap on is a toy, and if we can be in bed cuddling like this, we may as well utilize some leather scraps and a piece of silicone, because that's all there is to it."
"It's not a loophole."
"No," Alan agreed. "It's not. Now, you better sleep so you can be rested for when you're making dinner."
"Yes, Sir," Aspen mumbled, and this was the first time in a while he felt whole again. He knew it had been more than human of him to be anxious about this conversation, and angry at Thea for suggesting it was necessary.
But saying the words had driven some of the pain out of him in the same way that a paddle might. Wait-
"Are you going to get up if I fall asleep?"
"No," Alan said firmly and moved closer, directing Aspen on his side and wrapping an arm around his torso. "It's my job to take care of you," he said gruffly. "Now sleep."