COMPLETED | Take Me Down The Rabbit Hole (BDSM | 18+)

LXI

"It makes me feel quite conflicted," Aspen mumbled.
"What did you say?" Thea asked, dropping the piping bag they'd been holding on the countertop.
"I'm having conflicting feelings about who I am," Aspen repeated.
Thea rolled their eyes, but a smile was playing along their lips. "I have a solution," they responded. "Stay away from my brother, he's like a mad scientist. He'll screw with your brain and turn it inside out and upside down if you're not careful."
"Is that why he broke it off with Alan?"
Thea hesitated, and then they leaned really close to their phone. "I know you can keep a secret puppy," they praised. "So I'm going to tell you the truth. The answer is yes. It played into the bigger picture. Leo has a surprising talent for turning people into putty and getting them to be what they need to be in order for them to reach their goals. Alan ended up graduating with Latin Honors, but he wouldn't have functioned being super-dependent on Leo if Leo hadn't broken up their relationship. Leo knew he was meant for ... bigger and brighter things."
"But what if that only messed Alan up more?"
"It probably did. Balance is key."
Aspen watched Thea. They had dyed their hair a bright pink and were wearing all black, their outfit dusted with remnants of flour and powdered sugar. Flakes of it had even caught in their curls. They smiled at Aspen. "What are you thinking about?"
"How maybe I'm done with" Aspen interrupted himself to run a hand through his hair, "training to be whatever Alan hopes I'd be. What about what I want?"
The smile on Thea's face only spread. "Now you're getting it, puppy."
"I'd miss you."
Thea nodded. "I know, Aspen. You don't have to decide what to do right now. But just know that you are allowed to walk away at any point, and neither Alan nor I — or god forbid Leo — can force you into a position that you don't want to be in."
Aspen nodded. "I know I'm supposed to stay with you tonight but I need—"
Thea didn't let him finish his sentence. "I know," she repeated. "It's okay."

That night, Aspen returned to his apartment, and the second he'd made it in the door, he shut his phone off, kicked his shoes off, and threw himself on his bed. He was used to problem-solving when it came to other people's problems, but when it came to his own?
What about what he wanted?
He didn't want to waltz out of Alan's life the way Leo had. He'd been looking forward to the day Wonderland would open its doors and Aspen could contribute to something that was definitely more meaningful than helping celebrities argue about their divorce settlements. But at the same time, did he want to do that squeezed into a mold that other people had fashioned for him?
He sat up and his eyes fell on the stack of books he'd brought from Leo's office, the battered copy of Luna Luther's first work, littered with colorful plastic tabs at the very bottom of the stack.
Leo said people read erotica to find things out about themselves.
Perhaps it sounded a little absurd, but Aspen wondered what a book, an inanimate object written and created by a person who had never and would never know him, could tell him about himself, so he decided to pull the book out from under the stack and flipped it open to the back. Post it notes in unsurprisingly neat script that he thought to be Leopold's, one of them reading 'I need to find out who this person is', right under the author's biography which consisted of very little personal info.
The author's picture was in black and white, showing an apparently plus-sized  woman about Spencer's age — maybe? — with chin-length dark hair wearing a thin frame of glasses.
Was that not enough info about a person for Leo? What happened to that woman's right to privacy? Coming to think of it, Luna Luther had a certain ring to it that to Aspen screamed pen name. Maybe it was that what was bugging Leo — apart from the fact that, as Aspen now remembered, the woman seemed to have very little interest in actually speaking to Leo. Perhaps his ego was bruised by the fact that someone had decided to withhold their attention from him.
Ha.
Aspen shut the book and then turned it over to the back cover, reading the description for the first time since he'd taken it home.
It sounded interesting enough — Nothing like the books Spencer usually picked out for them to read, but Aspen didn't mind, and a small voice nagging in the back of his mind told him he needed to have a look at all of Leo's annotations.

Hours later, when Aspen closed the book again, darkness had settled outside of the apartment, and Aspen's stomach was rumbling, so he stumbled into the kitchen to throw together a quick midnight snack with what little food he kept in the fridge while he was out boarding with Alan and Thea.
While a grilled cheese was sizzling away in a pan on the stove, Aspen turned his phone back on, flinching at the blue glare of the phone screen. Multiple texts from Alan, the latter of which were asking if Aspen was okay because he hadn't responded in hours, and even two from Thea wishing him a good night and telling him they'd be looking forward to seeing him again tomorrow.
By the time Aspen had settled on the kitchen counter with his grilled cheese — which he ate straight from the pan — the clock on his phone read 12:24 AM.
Aspen opened Instagram and looked up Luna Luther, marveling at the curated infographics about her publications — because that was all the account had to offer. There were also a few Instagram Story highlights, one of them notably titled 'Aphrodite'. Aspen clicked on it and found a repost from an Instagram account that seemingly belonged to Leo's and Thea's business: A picture of the shelves in Leo's office, and the address for Aphrodite.
Luna had commented the repost with "Thank you for featuring my books!"
It made Aspen want to laugh. Yeah, this definitely seemed like Leo was suffering from a lack of attention by a stranger.
Aspen quickly sent a text to Alan and then hopped off the counter. If he wanted to be functional tomorrow, he should really go to sleep now.