The Pain In His Eyes

Love Is BLIND (Chp 33)

I couldn't belive it! I broke down in tears as I looked at the eyes of the man who I had prayed I'd get to meet from the first message he sent me all those years ago. He was the man I had fallen in love with before I knew anything about him. He was the same man that I had spent hours and hours texting back and forth, fearing that I'd never get to see his face or hear his voice in person.

As he stood there in front of me and I looked deeply into his eyes, I was never more sure of anything in my life. I loved him now more than I had ever loved him before. With everything that we had both been through it was so easy to lose the sight of why we fell in love in the first place. It was so easy to get distracted by everything happening around us and loose our way to one another.

The man that was now standing in front of me was the same man that I would have given up my life for before I ever saw him in person. I didn't care, it didn't matter. All I knew at the time was that I had fallen head over heels in love with someone I had never met and I would have given up anything just to be able to be with him in person.

As crazy as that may sound to everyone reading, hell... it even sounds crazy to me at times, it was the truth.

I remember thinking when he first came into my life "I don't know what it is about this man, but I can't get him off of my mind" and "I don't even know who he is but here I am risking everything to be with him" so trust me, crazy is the best word I'd use to describe it as well.

I don't remember the last time I was willing to risk everything for someone I didn't know. But for Jake, I was willing to risk it all.

I remember seeing him for the first time, it felt like my entire world changed in that split second. I felt like everything I had ever wanted was standing there right in front of me. The man I had been dreaming about my entire life was hiding under a mask. I kept wondering to myself "How is this even possible? How could I be in love with someone I have never seen before?" Somehow, the more I tried to explain things and the more I tried to look for a deeper explanation, the more I was determined that there was no explanation at all.

If I'm being honest, I didn't need an explanation. All I cared about was the way I felt whenever I was around him, even if that was hundreds of miles away from each other and texting back and forth over the phone. None of that mattered, none of it made a difference or changed the way I felt about him.

It would be very dumb of me to sit here and say that I've never felt that way about anybody else. Basically, it would be a lie. I have. I've fallen in love with someone else the way I had fallen in love with Jake. Of course at the time I thought it was impossible. The sole idea of thinking about another man made me feel sick to my stomach. I'd also be lying if I said that the idea of being with anybody besides Jake didn't scare me. It did! But only because at that time, I truly couldn't imagine my life with anybody else.

Now as we all know, things change. Life throws these curveballs at you and it's up to you to either catch them or let them smack you right in the face. I wanted to avoid them, I tried so hard to ignore them for so long but it's as if the more I tried to avoid them, the harder they came at me. One by one they not only smacked me right in the face but they were so strong that they knocked me right off of my feet.

It got so bad that I had no other option but to get up and defend myself and take these life curveballs and just roll with them.

Sometimes in life things get so out of hand and slip so badly out of your control that you don't even realize just how far you've slipped away, until you finally have the chance to look back.

Now as I look back to the past, it's very clear to see how both Jake and I let our relationship and marriage slip right through our fingers. It's so clear and obvious that I can almost pin point and connect each and every dot that allowed for it to happen. It's easy to see it now, but while it was happening, it felt as if I had woken up one morning and my happy marriage was over in the blink of an eye.