The Pain In His Eyes

Innocent Until Proven Guilty (Chp 36)

I couldn't stand looking at him, I couldn't stand being here and feeling the way I felt. I wanted to scream on top of my lungs. I was furious! But... I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at life and the way things played out. As crazy as you may think I am, I believed him. Something inside of me believed that he didn't kill Evan on purpose.

As you can imagine that alone was a weight lifted off my chest.

For years since Evan died I thought that someone was out to get me. The same person who killed Evan that night because I truly believed that his accident was planned. The pain I felt for years thinking the only reason he was gone was because of me, because someone was after me for the things I've done. I have blamed myself time and time again and slowly drove myself insane by torturing myself. I felt guilt every single day of my life when I would look at my daughter and realize that the only reason she doesn't have a father is because Evan was in a relationship with me.

The one thing that everyone who knew Evan was aware of is how much he hated unfairness. He always wanted to do the right things regardless of what it was. That's also one of the many reasons why I fell in love with him. The main reason why I'm mentioning that right now is because I knew deep in my heart and every single cell in my body that Evan wanted me to do the right thing. See, that might have been one of the biggest differences between us. I believed in paying for actions and dealing with consequences. At least that's what I wanted to believe in.

I have however, noticed that over the years I have let people slide and forgiven people for doing terrible things, things they never deserved forgiveness for.

The one thing that I keep going back to is my brother. I keep thinking about the fact that I managed to find the strength inside of myself to forgive him, even after everything he's done. So what I find myself asking is "if I could have forgiven my brother, is it possible to forgive others as well especially for things they didn't intentionally do?"

Of course my heart knew the answer without a single doubt, it was my head and my pain that wanted to scream no. I wanted to make him out to be a bad guy. I wanted to have someone to blame for what happened to Evan. I wanted someone to be mad at and someone to hate for all the pain I have felt over the years. While my head was telling me to call the police, lock him away and throw away the key, my heart knew better then that. I knew better then that!

Evan would never let an innocent men rot in jail and I wouldn't want that either. So let me just say... I can't believe I'm about to do this.

"I have a question?" I asked with tightness in my throat. A tightness that felt like it was going to choke me.

"I do and I have been for years now. I feel terrible. You can't even imagine the number of nights I wake up screaming from the nightmare of him dying in front of me. I wanted to find you so many times, I wanted to tell you the truth. Trust me, I can't tell you how sorry I am and how much I wish I could go back and never sit in that car that night."

"I wasn't going to ask that but thank you. I know this may sound unbelievable but... I ummm... I forgive you."

"Thank you but I can't accept your forgiveness. I have a terrible thing and I will never be able to accept you forgiving me for taking a person you loved away from you and your daughter."

"You told me the truth, no?"

"I promise I did. I don't have a reason to lie to you. When I found out that those men were after you, I knew I had to do everything in my power to make things right. I couldn't save Evan but I had to save you."

"In that case you are forgiven. I know you won't believe this, but trust me when I tell you...this is exactly what Evan would have wanted."

"I have made terrible enemies over the years. I got involved with so many people who took advantage of the fact that I had nothing and nobody. I needed help and they were there to help but in exchange, I've done things I am not proud of."

"Trust me, you're not the only one. I have learned that when you're stuck in terrible situations, nothing is off limits. We all made mistakes but we should have to pay for them for the rest of our lives. Especially not for accidents."

"That's why I need to know if you can get a fake passport and get away from here as fast and as far as you possible can."

"What? No! I can't do that."

"I can find someone to help you if you need."

"No I mean I can't just leave. It was an accident but I still need to pay for what I did."

"All you need to do is get out of here. Right now!"

"But... No, I can't. What about... What about the police..."

"Let me worry about that. I just need you to leave as soon as you can. Promise me you will, don't make me regret this."

"I... I really don't know what to say... I just... I can't thank you enough, seriously."

"Hey... No need, just get out of here. The chief will be here before you know it and the last thing we need is for you to still be here."

"Before you go... Where the hell is Phil?" I continued.

"Your friend is safe, don't worry" he answered as he handed me a key. Before I got the chance to ask any questions, he was gone. He turned the corned and looked back at me one last time as I smiled and waved goodbye.

Once he was gone, I remained seated while holding the key in my hand. I had no idea what the key was for or where it would lead me. All I cared about was finding Phil and proving that he was innocent. However, I couldn't do this alone. Let's not forget that I was still unable to walk further then a few steps. I was going to need help and I knew exactly who I was going to ask.

Before I could grab my phone, I saw Mr. Walther walk around the corner. To say that I was scared of his reaction would be an understatement, I was petrified. Mostly because I knew exactly how he was going to react. The second he laid his eyes on me, he began to ran towards me.

"Please don't tell me he escaped!!!" He exclaimed.

"He... He didn't. I, I...umm, I let him go."

"WHAT?"

"I let him go."

"Madi you can't be serious! What in your right mind would make you do something like that. Where is Phil??"

"He didn't do it, he didn't kill him."

"Of course he didn't! Were you really expecting him to tell you that he killed Phil?"

"Not Phil... Evan!"

"Madisyn, what are you saying?"

"It was an accident. He didn't intentionally kill Evan."

"How would you possibly know that? Do you realize how long it takes us to find out what really happened in accidents?"

"You can't possibly believe him" he continued.

"I don't expect you to understand me or why I did what I did, but trust me... He wasn't lying."

"Do you realize that you just let a murderer walk away? I trusted you, I gave you the time you needed and you let him go."

"He's not a killer!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT??"

"I just do damn it! I JUST DO!!!"

He placed his hand on his forehead covering his eyes as he lowered his head. I didn't expect him to understand, I wouldn't either if I was in his place. I didn't have the time to explain why I did what I did right now. My biggest focus was trying to figure out what the key led to and a way to find Phil before it was too late. The only thing I would regret about this whole thing is not finding Phil and proving his innocence.

I understand why Mr. Walther is upset, I really do but for once in a very long time, I actually felt good about the division I made.

I honesty just wanted to put an end to it. I wanted to end this part of my life and never look back again. I never thought I'd say this but Evan's death brought me some relief. After years of blaming myself and thinking I was the reason why Evan was dead, I finally knew the truth. Just like the quote says "the truth will set you free."