The Pain In His Eyes

Beneath the Stars (Chp 5)

As Jake and I looked at each other, he leaned over and asked, "Do you want to go see the other venues?" With a smile on my face, I replied back as quickly as I could.

"Are you kidding? This place is perfect. No, I don't."

"I figured you wouldn't, so I have something else planned for us."

"You do? What could possibly be better than this? When did you even do all this?"

"All the nights I haven't been sleeping. That's why I have been having a hard time waking up in the morning."

"Jake! Why didn't you say something? I was beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with you."

"What did you want me to say? That I had found your dream wedding venue? I would have ruined the entire surprise."

"Thank you for doing this. It means the world to me."

Just as Jake was about to speak, my phone began ringing. I grabbed it out of my purse and looked at it before quickly putting it back. Before I could get the phone fully back in the purse, Jake grabbed my arm.

"Answer it," he whispered.

I shook my head back and forth without saying anything. I didn't want anything ruining this moment we had going on. Plus, whatever it is, it could wait. I would get back to them whenever I had the free time.

"Madi, call him back. We had this conversation already," he demanded.

"Why? It's not that important. I can just get back to him later."

"Well, he's calling for a reason, so just call him back. You're ignoring him because of me..."

"I am not ignoring him because of you. I'm ignoring him because of me!" I quickly stated.

"Wait, why? Why are you ignoring him?"

"Because!" I exclaimed before turning my head away.

"Hey, Madisyn... talk to me. What's going on?"

"I can't do it. I can't be around him, talk to him, and see him without feeling like it's his fault that Evan is dead."

I stopped myself for a moment as Jake continued looking at me. He could tell I wasn't done talking, so he just waited without saying anything. I looked at him before putting my head down. He grabbed my chin, lifting my head back up and whispered, "Just tell me, Madi."

"Wheneever I am around him, I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm not, but it feels like it. Whenever he looks at me or smiles at me, all I see is Evan. It's not fair! It's not fair for you, and it's not fair for me. Do you know how many times I've wanted to lean on his chest just to hear his heartbeat? I can't do that."

"Every time I'm with him, I feel like Evan is somehow back into my life. You know how hard it was for me to move on and accept his death. How am I supposed to be okay with the feelings I get whenever I'm around Eli? How is that something I'm supposed to be okay with doing to you?"

"Have you told him any of this? Have you been honest with him?"

"Jake, he told me that he feels how much Evan loved me. I know that Eli doesn't feel these things. It's not him. We have this crazy connection that nobody would understand. Even I don't understand it at times. I don't know how these things work, but he feels whatever Evan felt towards me. Even though I know it's not Eli's feelings, I feel like I'm somehow emotionally cheating on you."

"Hey, I already told you, you don't need to feel that way. Is this something I would have wanted? No, not necessarily. But, Madisyn... you have lost so much in your life, and I feel solely responsible for everything you had to go through. If it wasn't for me, your life wouldn't be anything that it was. I can't also be the reason why you lose another person you care about."