𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 - 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐔𝐍𝐆

37 | BE MY JOURNAL

*Song rec - J's Lullaby
by Delaney Bailey*

A loud ringing woke me up. Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I groan and pick my head up from Seungmin's shoulder. I reach over to him and grab my phone which shined brightly with the ringing.

"Hello?" I said without looking at the name.

"Hey" I furrow my brows and pull my phone away from my ear to look at the name. Minho. "Are you there?"

I nod, knowing he couldn't see me but still I did. "Y-Yeah," I said lowly, trying not to wake the others. I notice the slight light from the windows "Is everything okay?" I ask, it was early in the morning—hardly anyone was up at this time.

"I'm outside" Was all he said, not answering my question.

"Outside? Minho I can't, Felix and the boys are here" I whispered.

"Felix and the boys?" He sounded almost irritated "I need to talk to you"

I sigh and look around at the sleeping boys, "Fine" I said, hanging up.

I stand up, grab a blanket, and quietly walk out of the living room. Opening the door to see Minho sitting on the porch step.

I inhale and close the door behind me, sitting beside him.

The cold air surrounded us as we sat, the sun trying to make its presence known but the clouds kept it hiding away, making the cold air stay and not allowing the sun to warm us up.

I didn't look at him and I didn't feel his eyes on me as we just sat in silence.

"Did you sleep?" I ask, finally breaking the silence. I look at him and he shook his head.

"No, I was up... writing"

I frown "I hope whatever you had on your mind, you got it all out"

Minho looks at me, his gaze intense as he says "No, it didn't really help all that much"

I swallow harshly and look away, clearing my throat and righting the blanket around my body "Yeah, I guess I can relate to that" I said lowly.

The silence started up again, almost like he was holding back. Minho was never one to hold back.

I sigh loudly and look at him "Why are you here?"

He looked back at me, his eyes were red—probably from the lack of sleep and constant rubbing.

His eyes searched my face for a second, soon looking away and to the street—he shrugs "Usually when writing doesn't help, I just... try to distract myself" He spoke with no emotion as he got lost in whatever he had to say. "It never helped" He looked back at me.

I look away and shake my head "That doesn't answer my question"

"I figure I should just get it off my chest," He says, getting my attention as I look back at him. Not expecting him to just... tell me.

My eyes go down to his adam's apple and I watch it jump as he swallows harshly, visibly nervous. He told me he was never good with words, that's why he rather write them out and keep them hidden for only him to see. This was different for him.

He looks at me "Will you be my journal for right now?"

I furrow my brows, knowing this was a vulnerable thing for him. "I-Minho—"

"Please, I just need to feel like I'm not just writing it down. I need to talk about it and be free of it" He pleads with his big beautiful eyes and I nod.

"Of course, I'll listen"

He stares at me for a second, swallowing harshly again and looking away. He stares at the street again and starts talking. "I did something bad." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "I act like it doesn't affect me but it does. The only thing making me feel better is when I tell myself I did it to protect him" He inhales sharply "I haven't mentioned it to my parents, more because I was afraid. Maybe they will see me as a monster and look at me differently. Or maybe I was just afraid of myself, should I be?"

He looks at me now, almost like the question was for me. Thinking for a moment he starts again "He and I haven't talked like we use to" Okay, the topic changes. "Sometimes I feel like it won't ever go back to how it was—how it was before I told him the truth. If only I didn't, I think none of this would have happened" He looks down "I miss it. I hate to admit it but I do. I miss when it was just us hanging out in the library. I miss being able to touch him without him pulling away or making up an excuse to leave the situation."

He looks up and his eyes held so much...so much that he tried to hide. "I miss him." His eyes searched mine, as he chuckles lightly "He told me we were friends, part of me felt hurt but that's what we were. Friends."

I look down and I felt his cold fingers grab my chin softly, making me look back up at him "I've only ever had friends and I don't think I want to consider him that." He spoke softer than usual, almost like he was fully speaking from his mind. Not thinking about a thing. I wonder if this is what his thoughts sound like. "I want much more with him"

His eyes turned sad, pulling his hand away as he looks away altogether. "But—" He stops himself. Starting to calculate his words. "But when I look at him. I think of that night" I grab his cold hands and he looks at me. That's when I saw it.

The tears brimmed up in his big eyes. I brought my warm hand up to his cheek, where he subconsciously leans into it.

"Minho" I spoke gently.

"I think about how he wanted to leave the party because of me" A hot tear escapes his eyes "How I wasn't there to help him... to help you"

I wipe his tears and try my best to hold back my own. "But you did," I said "You saved me"

Minho shook his head "I was late"

I grab his neck softly and pull him into a hug "You saved me" I whisper, feeling his tears fall onto my shirt. I pull away and look at the vulnerable boy, I say "And you know I think the boy misses you too".

Wiping his tears he chuckles and looks up at me "Yeah?"

I nod with a soft smile "Yeah, I think he's missed you for a while now"

Minho pouts "Well he's the one acting as if he hates me"

I laugh loudly "Oh really? I think he was just upset" Minho stares at me and I wipe his leftover tears "But he's okay now"

I stare into his eyes and Minho sighs softly "Where does this leave us?" He asks, noticing the slight fear in his voice.

I sit back and grab his hand "I-I'm new to all this" I start, feeling anxious but I wanted this. "But I'm willing to try"

Minho sits up straight and he looks down at our hands, mine playing with his anxiously. He looks up with a smile.

I laugh at his sudden mood change, pulling me to him and into a tight hug. He exhaled a long breath, almost like he got a lot off his chest and can finally breathe.

He pulls away and I say "Let's start slow, yeah?"

He nods "Of course, slow. Anything you want"

All I saw and heard was sincerity. I knew I could trust Minho, I always could. Unlike the other night, today we started with knowing what we were.

We weren't friends. We were more.

*Song rec - J's Lullaby
by Delaney Bailey*