Delinquent High

Chapter 78

Thinking back, it took Wei Wuxian an embarrassingly long time to figure out what Lan Wangji had meant.

They had lunch together, one in the preparation of which Wei Wuxian had not been the smallest help. He only managed to eat half of his bowl of curry before his stomach started cramping so much that he really could not take another bite. The warm and fluffy blanket around his shoulders suddenly felt like a prison that he could not escape no matter what he tried.

His conscience was as dark as clouds before a storm. He did not deserve to enjoy this peace that Lan Wangji was so readily offering to him and he hated himself for being ungrateful. He could not even find courage to apologize and put to rest Lan Wangji's concerns. If Madame Yu saw him right now, she would have been furious. He was embarrassing his former adoptive family by simply existing it would seem. It looked like they had not thought him any good manners.

After the disastrous lunch, Wei Wuxian at least insisted on doing the dishes. It was not enough by far, but he could not bear doing nothing any longer. Lan Wangji looked at him with a complicated expression but stepped away from the sink eventually. Washing the bowls helped Wei Wuxian to calm down a little but he was still remorseful.

That was why he refused his childhood friend's offer of continuing reading together and preferred to go back to his room. He had been keeping himself together with all his might ever since Lan Xichen and Lan Yi had visited this morning. Now, he was at the end of his rope.

He closed the door with a small apologetic smile for Lan Wangji's sake. Then, he collapsed against it back first and hid his face in his hands. He was the worst, he could not do anything right. In the end, it would have truly been better if he had run away from everything when he had had the chance.

Wei Wuxian's knees gave out under him and he slumped onto the floor and wept silently. When had he become such za cry baby? The world felt like an unbearable weight on his shoulders, one that was out on a quest to break him completely.

He had no idea what he should do now. Two sides of him were having a fierce battle and he was only a spectator. On one hand, everything would be better if he just disappeared from the lives of everyone he knew and would stop being such a burden. On the other hand though, he was terrified of leaving Lan Wangji's side and face the unkind world all alone. He did not think he would fare well this way.

He buried his face in his knees and used his hands to hug his legs. Suddenly, he longed for the comfort of a warm blanket under which he could hide. He was tired again. Way too much for only sitting around half a day doing literally nothing but self-pity himself.

A frustrated scream was building in his chest and he quickly stuffed a fist into his mouth to stop it from escaping. He could not do it to Lan Wangji to alarm him again. He bit his skin until he tasted blood. The bandages were still on but he had purposefully chosen a free spot. He remembered how effective pain had been this morning in keeping him tethered to reality, far away from dark swirling thoughts.

If only he could get them out of his head somehow. If only he could seal them away somewhere where they would not bother him anymore. He could not confide in Lan Wangji, that much was certain. He did not want to put any more burden on his childhood friend's shoulders. It was enough that he had to deal with Wei Wuxian's unpredictable mood and behaviour. But what if...

As a lightning out of a clear sky, Wei Wuxian remembered Lan Wangji's words from earlier. How his childhood friend had had a hard time too sometimes. And how he used to write letters to his parents and Wei Wuxian where he confided to them without actually expecting any reply or reaction.

Wei Wuxian jumped up and all but run to his desk. In his hurry, he almost fell down over a discarded box from yesterday. But he did not mind, he just had to get to the desk as quickly as possible, before more dark thoughts would cloud his mind and he would start beating himself up over everything again, no longer willing to open up in any way.

He still felt guilty for being selfish and wanting to spare himself where he was guilty of so many things. However, if he put it in a way that he was doing this for Lan Wangji's sake, it was bearable. After all, would it not be so much better if Wei Wuxian only acted out in the privacy of his own room and was able to behave normally throughout the rest of the day? Would Lan Wangji not be much happier to have to watch over a functioning Wei Wuxian than over a husk of a human being who needed to be cared for all the time?

The homework he had been so frantically working on in the morning was still on the desk. Wei Wuxian threw himself onto the chair and he quickly brushed all the school materials away. They could wait, he needed to get himself together first. He only left one piece of paper in front of himself.

Now that he had a way to express his innermost thoughts without actually having to talk to anyone and give them an outlet, he wondered what he should confide to the blank page. He had to start writing something before he would become completely overwhelmed again. He stuffed his free hand into his mouth. The coppery taste of blood was helping him to stay in control.

He would have to hide this newly discovered coping technique well from Lan Wangji thought. It would defeat the purpose if his childhood friend started to worry because of this. If there was one thing that Wei Wuxian was still confident about, it was his ability to overlook his injuries and act as if they had never happened. His memory had never been the best. He could fool Lan Wangji, he had to.

He already felt sorry for having to deceive the person who as the only one stuck by his side and was willing to tolerate him. He wanted to apologize to Lan Wangji for ruining his future and keeping him even from going to school. It was all his fault.

Without thinking about anything else, the pen Wei Wuxian was holding was moving on its own. With his heart drumming in his chest, he started writing:

Dear Lan Zhan,

I am so sorry for being such a burden to you...