Delinquent High

Chapter 79

After writing a whole bunch of apology letters, Wei Wuxian actually felt a little better. As if part of the burden he had been carrying on his shoulder was lifted. He wrote letters to everyone in the Jiang family, to Lan Wangji and Lan Xichen, to Mo Xuanyu, even to Lan Qiren and the rest of the teachers at the Delinquent High. Perhaps the last ones would actually come in handy as a training for when he would have to spend hours writing self-reflection letters as punishment for skipping school and hindering Lan Wangji's education.

While he had not had enough courage to admit to everyone what a failure he was and how deeply sorry he was for causing them trouble, it was much easier to write everything down on a piece of paper. Even if his guilt and dark conscience only solidified after summarizing everything, it was still somewhat liberating. He did not have to hold everything in anymore and he could instead concentrate on beating himself up and feeling properly remorseful.

Just as he deserved. He had not been sent to juvenile jail yet so he had to make amends in a different way. This was just perfect and worked for all involved parties.

He re-read the letters one by one and made a few changes where they did not paint him as a horrible enough person. Finally, he was satisfied with the result. For a second, he was actually thinking about shipping them out and making things clear for his former family, his friends and especially for Lan Wangji. However, he quickly abandoned the idea, he did not want to cause anyone any more pain.

Moreover, just as he had written in his letter to Jiang Cheng, he was one big coward who could not let go of the people he cared about no matter how bothersome it was for them. The thought of Lan Wangji reading his letter and then throwing him out on the spot terrified him out of his mind. His former adoptive family had already severed ties with him, he was not sure his fragile heart and mind cold take another similar blow.

He took a deep breath and stacked the letters into a single pile. He put them away in a drawer. He was pretty sure Lan Wangji would not go snooping around in his room and read them if they had been left on top of the desk. However, it did not feel right. They were Wei Wuxian's amends, he should hide them away as the rest of his dark thoughts and re-read them only in privacy.

He stood up and went to put them in a drawer of a nightstand. There, he would be able to get to them at any given time, even during night, they would serve as a reminder. He had to get his act together in front of other people. He could only freak out when no one would be looking.

Lan Wangji was right after all, confiding in someone, even if that someone would never reply, was good. Wei Wuxian could also imagine the recipients' reactions and properly chastise and punish himself when the people in question would not do it. Well, not all of them, true. Lan Qiren, the teachers at the Delinquent High and Madame Yu would not have any problems making his life a living hell just as he deserved, but the others would probably only try to console and pity him. That was not what Wei Wuxian wanted. He should suffer for his mistakes properly.

Once the letters were stacked away securely, Wei Wuxian straightened his back and steeled himself. He was determined not to cause any more trouble to Lan Wangji. He had decided that he would leave all the negativity and overreactions in the letters and would act as he normally did. It was hard to remember, but he would for sure be able to get the hang of it quickly. He had after all spent years perfecting this ability of his.

First things first, he had to change. He was still in his pyjama and it was already late into the afternoon, almost evening in fact. This was shameful, he decided, he could no spend his days like this, no matter how bad he was feeling. He breathed deeply and reached for the buttons. It was still hard to convince himself to get naked, but it was all part of the practice.

He stopped for a while when naked and listened to the laugher and mocking in his ears. He was again standing on a podium and the whole school was looking at him as he was making a fool out of himself. Tears were threatening to start falling from his eyes. He fought against them. Although he believed he deserved to be punished and ridiculed for all his weaknesses and for letting his adoptive family down, he could not afford to show the his suffering on his face.

He had to learn how to control himself and cover all traces of pain and shame. He could savour them when alone and think of it as his punishment for his selfishness and for taking advantage of Lan Wangji's kindness. However, he had to close everything in when he was not alone. It would not do to become overwhelmed and cause trouble for his childhood friend.

He got himself under control, at least to a point of view of another person, and dressed into his ordinary clothes. He only allowed himself the comfort of a long-sleeved T-shirt and pants. It was a warm late summer day, he could not wear more layers if he wished to stay in his new character. He hugged himself minutely and then let go. One layer it was, he would simply had to get used to the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability.

He stepped out of the room and was relieved when he could not see his childhood friend in the hallway. He had some more time to practice.

He went to the bathroom, locked the door and looked into the mirror. Yesterday, he could not stand the sight of himself, but today, it was fine. Not that he did not feel ashamed of himself anymore, he did as strongly as ever and probably deserved another long round of being paraded naked around the school by now. However, he was doing this for Lan Wangji, it did not matter how he felt.

What he saw in the mirror shocked him. He had never seen himself looking this terrible. His complexion was extremely pale, like a ghost's, and his eyes were haunted. He sighed and washed his face thoroughly with ice cold water, minding his bandaged hands. When he looked up again, he concluded that this was the best he would get. His cheeks got some colour back, probably because of the cold water and his lips did not seem so chapped either. All in all, he looked presentable.

Only one thing was not right. He was frowning and the corners of his lips were downturned so far that they were almost stretching beyond his chin. This would not do; he would never convince anyone that he was alright with a face like this. He had to smile, just like he usually did.

He made a conscious effort to do so. It was very hard in the beginning. His muscles were fighting against him every step of the way, making him lose confidence that he would be able to accomplish anything. Luckily, as he kept trying and scolded himself for not being able to do even this much, he managed to smile in the end. It still looked forced and fake, but it was the best he could do.

Lan Wangji would probably be able to tell that the smile did not reach his eyes. Then again, it was understandable that he could not be all that happy when his adoptive family had just disowned him. He could argument with this and erase all the suspicions. He would practice more in the evening and get better at pretending. It would be alright in the end.

The last touch was to cover the new bite marks on his hands. He half undid the bandages and rewrapped them so that Lan Wangji would not suspect anything. All set, he made it a point to smile again, practice makes perfect. He unlocked the bathroom and went to find his childhood friend in the kitchen area. It was time to start cooking dinner.