Simmons: Hey.
Grif: Yeah?
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it. Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of... some cosmic coincidence or, is there really a God... watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.
Simmons: ...
Grif: ...
Simmons: What? I meant why are we out here, in this canyon?
Grif: Oh, uh... yeah.
Simmons: What was all that stuff about God?
Grif: Uh... hm? Nothing.
Simmons: You wanna talk about it?
Grif: No
Simmons: You sure?
Grif: Yeah.
Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out.
Grif: Mhm.
Simmons: And the only reason that we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.
Grif: Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.
Simmons: No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!
Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys.
Church is looking through a sniper rifle at the red base, with Tucker and Daniel with him.
Tucker: What're they doing?
Church: What?
Tucker: I said what're they doing now?
Church: God damn, I'm getting so sick of answering that question!
Tucker: Hey you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day.
Daniel: Don't pretend like you wouldn't ya sick fuck. Now for the hundredth time, YOU CAN ORDER A SNIPER RIFLE FROM COMMAND!
Tucker: Hey man, I'm a lover not an orderer. So what are they doing now Church?
Church: Okay, okay look: They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me "What're they doing?" my answer's gonna be "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"
Tucker: ... What're they talking about?
Church: You know what? I fucking hate you.
Daniel: Ditto on that.
Grif and Simmons at the red base
Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life. You know, fight them.
Simmons: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge.
Sarge is standing on the ground, looking up at them
Sarge: Ladies! Front and center, on the double!
Simmons: Fuck, me.
Grif: Yes sir!
(AND THAT'S CHAPTER ONE DONE!)
YOU ARE READING
Red Vs. Blue: Agent Utah
FanfictionUtah or Daniel, was once a Freelancer, an underdog at that. When he discovered what the Director was doing, he banded together with Tex and York in the mission where they ultimately failed. Now in hiding, he finds himself surrounded by idiots and he...
