𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗟𝗘 𝗗𝗔𝗥𝗞 𝗔𝗚𝗘

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐘-𝐓𝐖𝐎 - MESS

I've messed up. Multiple times. And then I tried to cover that up, many more times. I was aware of that and even more so aware of the fact that I didn't want to confront it.

It being my own history.

My parents were divorced and my mom had custody — I have no clue of anything about my father expect for the fact that he's living with his new wife. I'm not to sure how invested he is in his new family but I paid no mind to it — I have my mother. At least, had her. The time I spent with her, I was grateful for — I appreciated her carefulness and sometimes embarrassingly strong amount of care and love for me, but regardless of my feelings she was still stripped away from me leaving me all alone.

I had friends before my mother was taken from me, Etsuko and Yuki were of the best and I let them disappear from my hands because of my incredulity and nervousness. I was too careful and that lead to my fatal mistrust and drove me away from any sort of natural association with people. I cut them out of my life's because I was worried for their safety and didn't want any confrontation with humiliation. It's stupidly immature and I despise myself for doing something like that to the people I cared great amounts for when I previously worked myself to the bone to build a sturdy connection with.

I'm not proud of myself. And this mess I've made is making me incredibly sick of myself. I was sick of running and I tried to fix that — but I didn't try hard enough, I've practically sent myself into endless circles with the countless times I've ran from my problems and avoided solving them. It was never the right choice but I was scared. I didn't know what to expect from either choice.

The finger Etsuko held at my face in a distasteful and accusing would shake under her hissing exhales. Just by her perturbed haze in her anger I could tell she was not in a forgiving mood — she'd use anything to make me feel regretful for what I did. And I would deserve it.

"You are a horrible, horrible person." She seethed in agitation. I kept my eyes downwards letting her have her moment of hate before I'd let anything slip — I still needed to think of a way around this. Or a way to confront this. I have to grow up. I need to — I've only lost from this. "It's repulsive that you smile so happily after ya wronged everyone else in yer life." She spat at me and I kept my eyes away from her, humiliated and with subtle dejection, I searched for comfort.

"Ya know what you did wrong, right?" I nodded slightly even if she weren't asking for confirmation because we both know what the answer is. "Are you sure? Because you act like you never ghosted us — like you never cared. Like you were never here." She continued listing reasons with venom attached to each word. "Etsuko..." I wanted to say more to repair the damage in me, the sadness crawling up my back in nervousness that made me want to run again.

"I don't want to hear yer side of the story because it doesn't matter to me anymore." She stepped forward sending my senses flaring, she was closer to me and that had caused my skin to tingle and back to shiver. The obnoxious negativity seeping from her drowned out the nostalgic sounds of video games and laughter of everyone joyously playing around. I felt entirely alone while she chastised me for my wrong. I knew I deserved it but did it have to hurt so bad?

"There is no need for me to care about the life of a complete stranger."

"Etsuko, my mom is here to pick us up." Etsuko's shoulders sank at the sound of Yuki's voice, she seemed to calm faintly. She turned her gaze to the girl with a softened glare, her anger slowly dissipating. "Okay, Yuki." She mumbled turning on her shoes to leave me with no happy goodbye. It was hateful and cruel, she wanted me to hurt. "Etsuko..." Yuki went to address her friend when she was instantly interrupted, "What a bitch..." The words fell from Etsuko's lips before she could make it a large enough distance between us to where it would only be a mumble.

My throat was stinging but I swallowed that sharp lump scratching at flesh with a dismal taste. My nose itched like it would just before a cry but I had t let my eyes blur yet. "Etsuko!" I raised my voice in faux strength my legs moving after her with an unsteady pace. "I know I made a mistake and it was an incredibly selfish but I'm trying to be happier... I'm trying to believe it's okay to live..." My rush of words hadn't caused her to turn, she wouldn't look back. She wasn't that type of person, and there were rarely an exception.

"Can we end on a good note?" My request held a quiver in my pleaded voice a slight bit of desperation to hold onto my normality carried in my words. I knew I wasn't supposed to be doing this, it was one or the other and I chose what I was pressure into, not what I wanted — I still couldn't let go. "You deserve my hate, (Y/N), you are not in the right... And until you figure yourself out..." She turned briefly to me glancing at me with a disgust I've never seen from her.

"You won't have a good ending."