Behind walls

chapter nineteen

Julie POV

We arrive in France after about an hour. Maybe a bit more I don't really know. I've slept the whole way until here. We arrive early in the morning and go to our hotels. Well not all of us. My parents invited me and Charles over for the next day. We are going to stay until tuesday morning and then we are going to head to the circuit. I'm very excited for the race. It's Pierres home race.
We get inside the house and take off our shoes when my mom comes out of her room.
"Julie", she says with a happy smile and gives me a hug. She let's go of me after hugging me a little tighter and takes a look at Charles.
"So Charles Leclerc is going out with my daughter now?", she asks trying to stay serious.
Charles looks at her with a almost terrified look. My mom tries to keep the joke going for a few more seconds but breaks into laughter.
"I'm just kidding Charles. Good to see you", she says laughing and gives him a big hug too.
"For a moment I thought you were serious", he says laughing now too.
"Are you two hungry or anything?", my mom asks us.
"No we're just really tired maman"
"Oh yes sorry. I'll talk to you tomorrow then right?", she says and starts walking towards her room again.
"Perfect. Sleep well", I say and wave at her. She blows me a kiss before enters my parents bedroom and closes the door behind her.
I look at Charles and take his hand. I lead him to my room. Or more like my old room. It still has all the pictures of my teenage years and also some posters. On my night stand is standing a picture of Pierre, Charles and me as kids. There's also one of me karting. Of course Charles notices this one first and picks it up. He looks at it closely. 
"Is this you karting?", he asks with a smile.
"Yes"
"How old were you on this picture"
"I think I was about ten or something", I say and prepare my bed so we can sleep in it. My mother already washed everything as I told her we are accepting her invitation to come over. I just make everything ready.
"You look so sweet on this picture", he says and turns to look at me with an adorable smile.
"You look adorable Julie"
"Oh yeah really? You didn't think so back then", I say and chuckle.
"Come on I was a boy whos bestfriends little sister had a crush on him. What should've I done?", he says seriously as he puts down the picture.
"It was a joke Charles", I say and smile at him.
He nods and takes off his clothes until he's only in his boxers anymore and lays down in my bed.
"Come on what's your problem now?", I ask him and lay down next to him.
"I feel terrible", he says and looks down.
"Why?"
"Because I never told you I loved you too until you left."
He's talking about the night before I left when I knocked on his door and confessed my feelings for him. I always thought he didn't feel the same after that. That's why I could move on so good with Théo and also one of the reasons I left without staying in contact with anyone.
"You loved me too?", I ask him.
"Of course I did. It was just complicated", he says still avoiding eyecontact.
I cup his face with my hands and say: "Don't worry okay. It happend but it's okay. I'm not mad at you. No one is alright?"
He nods.
"And now let's get you to sleep come over", I say and smile as he comes closer. He lays his head on my chest and closes his eyes. 
He falls asleep quick while I can't help but to think about this night.
If he would've told me that he loved me then I would've never left. I would've stayed and tried to make things good between us. At that moment Théo already gave me bad vibes so it wouldn't have been that bad for me to break up with him. That night actually I found out that he cheated. After I found out I was madly crying and just wanted to be alone. I had just learned how to drive so I took Pierre's car and drove to the beach. I watched the waves come and go with a million thoughts running trough my head. 
Am I not good enough?
Was it my fault he cheated?
Am I the problem?
And a lot more of these thoughts. My parents and friends had already called me a thousand times by the time I got into the car again. It was about ten when I arrived at Charles' house. I had no clue how I got there I just started driving and when I started thinking clearly again I stood infront of Charles' appartment. I went inside and knocked on his door. He opend and the rest of the story you already know. I don't know why he never admitted too. Maybe because he was in a happy relationship and didn't just find out Charlotte cheated on him.
Sometimes I think about what would've happend if he admitted his love for me too. 
Would he have left her?
Would he have wanted something serious with me?
Would we still be together today?
A lot of questions that I'll never be able to answer.