Healing Hearts (Gus x Matt)

~chapter 38~

Matt's pov:

"Why were you saying everyone would be better off without you?"

Shit.

Why'd he have to remember that.

Why did I have to say that out loud? I'm so stupid...

Matt tensed up. "I-its not important... let's just go back to sleep." He whispered, trying to change the subject.

Gus sighed and sat up. Tiredness still stitched in his voice, he calmly whispers, "C'mon, we need to talk about this."

Starting to fidget with his hoodoe sleeves, Matt quickly replies, trying to steer away from this conversation, "It's nothing- really. Let's just try to-"

"Matt!" Gus exclaims, hurt in his voice. Matt was startled at Gus raising his voice. He hadn't yelled, just raised his voice to a normal speaking tone, yet Matt was really worried that someone would wake up.

Matt cautiously sits up and brings his knees up to his chest. He leans his head against Gus' shoulder. He takes deep breaths to keep himself from breaking down.

"Matt, please.... I just-" Gus sighs, "The last year was hard on me... but I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was for you... I understand you don't want to talk about it. I shouldn't have pushed- I'm really sorry.... I-I just wanted to help you, and I saw how much you were hurting back there and I just want to make it all go away even though I know I can't and.... Titan- I'm rambling... But what I mean is..."

He covers his face with his hands and takes a deep, shaky breath. Immediately, he takes his hands away from his face and holds Matt's hands in his.

"I lost you...... And I can't loose you again. You mean everything to me, if you see it or not. When I told you I'd never let you go again I meant it. You mean so much to me, to your friends, to your family...."

Without warning, tears slip out of Matt's eyes at the mention of his family. He takes his hands out of Gus' and hugs his knees. He buries his face in the spot between his chest and his knees and tries to stop his tears from falling.

Stop crying!
Stop being so stupid!
You're a burden to everyone! You can't even go 2 days without making your problems someone else's!
Pathetic.
This is why they all left you.
This is why they're still asleep.
This is why you can't do anything to help them.
Because you're just a worthless waste of space that can't do anything right and cries too much.

"Gus-... i-im so so sorry. I-I can't do any-anything right a-and I keep crying a-and making my pro-problems y-yours and-" Matt chokes out between gasps of air. Once again, his lungs reject the thought of air as his sobs suffocate him.

Gus doesn't know what to do. He wants to reach out and hug Matt and tell him that he's wrong. But his body freezes up. He sits for a moment and watches in horror as Matt breaks down.

"It's exactly what I said earlier Gus... I-Im just a screw up. I c-cant do anything  right..... I'm nothing... I'm just a waste of space and you're all better of without me." He says, scooting away from Gus and sobbing even harder.

Tears start falling out of Gus' eyes. "Where on Earth did you get that from?" He asks, scooting a little bit closer.

Matt just shakes his head and hugs himself tighter.

Gus cautiously gets off of the couch and sits infront of Matt. "Matt, I can promise you that none of that is real... I don't know what's made you think that- but I swear none of what you're saying is true." He says through tears.

"I can't do this Gus... please leave me alone..." Matt says quietly, his voice breaking.

"Matt.... I didn't mean to-"
"Gus. Please go..."
"I-..."

Gus stands up, defeated, and leaves the living room. He walks over to the bathroom and closes the door.

Matt is left alone with his thoughts. He tries his best to keep both his thoughts and himself quiet.

Look at what you did. You're pushing him away. You're pushing away the only person who cares about you right now. You're such a failure. You're a terrible boyfriend. You should he ashamed. No wonder everyone hates you. You're even worse than you were before you met Gus. And you said you were better because of him? Oh how wrong you were.

"Stop... just shut up"

"Um, hey- are you okay?" He hears someone ask.

He shoots his head up and finds Hunter at the doorway. His face painted with concern.

"U-um, yeah. Everything's fine." He lies, wiping his eyes.

"Mhm..." he says, walking over, clearly not believing his lie.

He slowly sits down on the other side of the couch and says, "Look- I don't know what you went through... and I know it's tough-"

"-but you don't know!" Matt cuts him off, "I had to watch as everyone around me fell to the ground, screaming. I watched as my own family cried out in pain. Their screams pierced into my soul. I still hear them sometimes when I sleep. They've all been unconscious. For a year. I've been on my own. For a year. All I've had is myself and my thoughts. For a year. I couldn't do anything to help them. I failed them. I failed EVERYONE. So yes- you guys were away from home for a year. But I was stuck here. Every day a reminder of my failure. Every hour a replay of my grief. Every second their screams playing on loop. Never ending. This place hasn't been 'home' since that day. And my brain keeps telling me that. It never shuts up! Every day I tell myself that everyone would be better off without me. Because they are. I didn't do anything to help anyone! I never have! So why am I even here!"

Matt breathes hard... he didn't mean to snap at him. He'd barely even known him and he just spilled his guts out to this guy.

Shit. I shouldn't have said that. I should've kept my mouth shut.

"Oh... I'm.... I can't believe you went through all of that...." Hunter said, Matt was unable to find the mix of emotions behind his words.

Then, Hunter got serious. He said, "I know all of that was very traumatic... and I'm not belittling any of it- but I can't even begin to count the number of times I've heard Gus cry and absolutely destroy himself because of how much he missed you. I know how hard it can be trusting people... But Gus cares more about you than you'll ever know. When we found out that the portal to get back worked- he was thrilled to see you again.... I just think that you should be around him, for his sake. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, but I think just being by him would be really good for him. I know you may want to be alone, but you don't have to be. He's dying to be there for you."

Matt sits and thinks for a little bit. Then he nods his head and says quietly, "mhm."

He stands up and walks across the living room. He knocks on the bathroom door quietly.

"Gus? Is it okay if I come in?"

"...Sure."
(End scene)
Soo, yeah. Idk what to say here which is actually a first lol.

Don't forget about the QnA I'll do at the end of the story!

I hope you all had an amazing Thanksgiving if you celebrated it, and if you didn't, I hope your day was great too!

I love you guys, stay safe!!
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