Journey To The Half Of My Deen

Chapter Twenty-Three

LAIBA P.O.V

My little brother called my name again which made me snap out of my fear and I rushed towards where his voice was coming from. I found him sitting on the couch with the box right next to him. I looked at him horrified.

'How will I explain myself to him?' I thought

Before I could say anything I Halimah went towards him and pulled his ear which made him wince in pain while sitting "why are you pulling my ear, what wrong did I do to you?" he tried getting away from her strong grip.

"Why did you touch this Amanah, Is it yours?" she kept pulling "Ow! Ow! Sorry, SORRY!" he almost shouted in pain. I wanted to help him get free from our sisters grip but when I took a step, she looked at me with the look that said if you take one more step you are on your own. I froze not moving, I looked at him with guilt and pity.

"did you see any letter inside and read it?" she asked him now looking a him narrowing her eyes, he gave her the puppy eyes "yes" he gulped in fear because he knew if he lied it would be worse. She let go of his ear and he hissed in pain gripping his ear with both hands rubbing it as It was red.

"Tell anyone about this and I will make your regret it" she warned him and he nodded before scurrying away. She looked at me and I gulped "you are so lucky it was only this idiot, if not you would be in so much trouble" she told me before rushing me towards the box.

"Take it to your room NOW!" she said before walking away and I followed her carrying the box.

After I entered my room with the box, I shut the door and sighed. This could have ended very differently.

I put the box in my cupboard before shutting the door, I remembered the letter inside this box and immediately took it out before closing the cupboard again.

The letter in my hand I walked towards my bed and opened the letter I kept reading it over and over, I blushed and felt something in my stomach. He really wants to make me his wife? I asked myself in disbelief.

I folded the letter and put it in my favorite notebook.

I saw the time and realized it's time to go for the Aalimah course. I dressed up by wearing white shalwar kameez and wore my Abaya on top. Since Ramadhan started, we started the revision classes of the Aalimah course. As the main course will start right after Ramadhan In Shaa Allah, seeing as Ramadhan is almost over I knew I have to get more into ibadah.

I took my bag before checking myself and walked out the house. I walked alone as I wanted to get my thoughts straight, this letter was from someone I never expected. I knew he was always at the back of my mind, but I never gave myself a chance to fully think about him as I was afraid that shaytaan would play with my mind and make me go into sin.

Today it was different, I had to think of him a potential husband and that made me feel nervous. I am a shy person and especially around non-mehram I could barely look at any of them let alone speaking to them. I did not know how to feel about this.

Being religious in our generation is very hard, if you practice it would be made fun of and if you don't then you will be judged. If you aren't confident people look down on you and if you are, then they say you are proud and full of yourself. If you are beautiful according to the trends then you are respected and loved, if you aren't then you are mocked. If you are kind then they will take advantage of you and if you are mean then you are someone they look up to. If you show emotions then you are naïve and weak, if you don't then you are cool and brave, there is so much to be though about but it just makes me sad.

Our religion is so special, yet we neglect it for this world, whereas this world just demands too much. our religion just teaches us how to live peacefully so that we may tolerate this world and not let it be in our heart but just in our hands.

I reached without realizing, I guess I was thinking about everything until I did not realize when I reached.

I saw familiar faces and smiled at them; I hardly spoke unless spoken to. I walked into the class and sat on my bench. I stood up and removed my Abaya and put it inside my bag.

I revised what we had learnt the previous day before our beautiful and amazing teacher walked in, Ya Allah make this easy for me, I made dua before classes started and before I know it the classes had ended.

After classes I was walking home alone again, I thought about the letter that was given to me by Hamad. I still could not believe he wrote me a letter. I did not know what to do. Should I message him? And If a message what would I say? Ya Rabbi. Am I really interested in Marrying him? What if this is not khayr for me. I felt more and more anxious thinking about it.

"Laiba?" My name was called out and I froze looking up to see Zeeshan. I wanted to respond but I did not trust my voice as it was dry due to being anxious. "Are you okay?" he asked as he got closer to me, he was too close for my liking, so I took a step back, I saw a look in his eyes which seemed like hurt. I wanted to tell him that I did not mean to hurt him, but I just did not know what to say.

"I am fine" I breathed out looking down, finally having found my voice.

"Why do you hate me?" he said clearly hearing the hurt in his voice

 "I don't hate you" immediately responding

 "Then why do you always move away when I try to get close to you" he said as he stepped again closer to me and I took a step back "see... what I mean" he was so frustrated.

I looked up at him before looking down, I gulped because now all I saw was anger and not the good type of anger "Zeeshan, you know I am not comfortable being close to non-mehrams" I said softly

"Bullshit!" he shouted and I flinched, "you can't tell me that you are not comfortable with non-mehrams but roam around with non-mehrams" he yelled, I looked around to see if there were people around and I did not see anyone around which made me feel a bit better.

"you don't even know exactly what happened, he only dropped me home. We did not even talk the whole time except for me giving him the directions so he could drop me home" I spoke quickly, I felt my anxiety kicking in.

"you are a really big liar Laiba! At the engagement you were laughing with him" he said coming closer again but this time I just felt like slapping him. I kept saying Audhubillah in my heart, praying for Allah to protect me.

"I only thanked him for helping me for everything, I laughed because I was embarrassed as I had a panic attack because I was overwhelmed" I felt tears in my eye looking up at him and I saw his expression soften before I looked away upset.

It was only silence between us, he did not say anything and nor did I say anything. I could not take it anymore "I have somewhere to be" I said before walking past him quickly

"Wait Laiba, let me walk you to where you have to be safely" he said trying to walk right behind me "why?" I asked not looking at him "I would not be at peace knowing you are going anywhere on your own" he said "well, so did Rania's in Laws, they did not want me going home alone so they got Hamad to drop me" I stated clearly angry he kept quiet but followed close behind me.

I walked faster dreading this encounter with him, silently hoping I reach home faster. Ya Allah how did this day turn into a roller-coaster full of emotions.