Choices (Book Four)

Chapter 17

Lyla

I am a horrible girlfriend. It's been four weeks since my kiss with Shawn and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Which only makes me feel incredibly guilty all day long. Will has been as sweet as always, unbeknownst to him that I kissed my exe a few weeks ago. I don't understand my brain sometimes. I have this amazing incredible boyfriend who loves me. Yes, that's right, he told me he loved me a week ago and what did I do? I just kissed him because I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say it back, as much as I wish I could I wasn't ready to say it to someone again.

Do I love him? I believe in some ways I do, but not the way he wants me to. I'm not in love with him. Which is frustrating to me. He is the perfect boyfriend. He is always ready to lend a helping hand or offer encouragement to support me in my goals with school and track. He rubs my feet after every track practice. He brings me coffee most mornings when we meet up on campus. He is sweet, handsome, kind and he makes complete sense, any girl would be lucky to be with him and he is choosing me. How come I can't help that Shawn is still on my mind, no matter how hard I try to move forward and focus on Will and what we could have together. He's steady. Reliable. Certain. How do you give that up? Why would you give that up? Every logical part of me tells me to choose him. To live a life with him, a safe life. Never doubting that he will be there.

To risk that for something or rather someone with no promises or reassurances of a future at this point. Someone that excites me, challenges me to step out of my mind and away for my plans for the future. Away from the next year, 5 years from now, ten years from now. To live in today. Is that enough? Can I trade a life that I know exactly how it will play out for one that holds tomorrow as unknown. Does Shawn even want anything to do with me anymore, I haven't heard from him since that night. I feel like a total whiner when I think about my love life problems. Poor me, I have an amazing guy who loves me and wants to be with me, yet I can't seem to get another guy out of my mind who confessed his love for me a few weeks ago. Two guys who love me and I have to make a choice, I can't keep stringing either one along.

I'm at my apartment now and exit my bedroom to find Megan in the kitchen.

"Hey girl, what's up?" She greets me.

"Not much just loathing in self pity," I grumble back and Megan giggles lightly at me.

"Still struggling to make your pick?"

Megan knows about my dilemma, she has graciously listened to me rant about it many nights in a row now, listing pros and cons and flip flopping with what I should do on the daily.

"Yes, can you just choose for me please Meg?"

She laughs again and shakes her head side to side.

"Nuh uh girl, this is all on you, no easy way out on this one," she tells me and I sigh as she offers me a sympathetic smile. "You know what you need to do, deep down you know. You just need to make that decision and it scares you because I know you don't want to make a mistake and have any regrets, but you can't hide out any longer."

"I know you're right, but I'm still going to hide in my room for the night and pretend my boy problems don't exist for another 12 hours," I admit to her pathetically.

"Alright girl, I'm heading out to meet Chase for dinner, I will text you if I'm not coming home later," she says with a wink and I laugh at her insinuation.

"Have fun, and make sure he wraps it up, I'm too young and wild to be an aunt yet," I tell her.

She flips me the middle finger as she leaves the apartment and closes the door behind her. I search through our fridge and survey my options for dinner. Leftover fettuccini Alfredo, leftover pizza, salad or I can make a sandwich. Pizza it is as I grab the box and pull out two slices. As it heats up in the microwave it starts to smell mouthwatering. I grab a pop and carry my pizza with it back to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. My sanctuary for the evening. I fall back onto my bed and lean against my headboard as I take a big bite of pizza. I stretch across my bed and grab my laptop pulling it towards me. In the process I forget it's plug into the wall and it tugs at the cord before I realize what's happened. I groan as I reach out and unplug it before I pull it onto my lap.