It can never be the same

Chapter 13

Draco hadn't been sure what he would've been walking into when he walked into Hogwarts for the first time that year. He wasn't sure how Y/n would react to him breaking up with her. Scenarios of her walking up to him and slapping him or demanding that he explain why he broke up with her played through his mind.

The worst thing that he could think of is seeing her cry upon seeing him. Although he doubted that she would burst into tears in front of everyone, it was a thought that he dreaded. He had only ever seen her cry once but once was enough to establish that he absolutely hated it.

So when he saw her for the first time and she looked straight at him, he had felt his heart jump into his throat, but then he came to the heart-shattering realisation that she wasn't really looking at him but looking through him as if he wasn't even standing there. He had to admit that it hurt; it hurt so bad that she was just blatantly ignoring him.

He watched her carefully from afar, and she seemed to behave the same as she always had. Even if her smiles didn't stretch as wide as they used to or she would get this tired look in her eyes for a split second, he could chalk that up to sixth year being stressful; because for the most part, she was completely fine. She was acting as if their relationship hadn't even happened.

It was almost as if their relationship meant nothing to her and, Merlin, that thought really hurt. Had she never really cared? Had she just been passing time with him? And then Creevey had started hanging off her arm, making her laugh, constantly snapping pictures of her and looking at her like how he looked at her - and he just wanted to tear his heart out of his chest and throw it in the Black Lake because he couldn't live with this pain anymore.

But then he realised that it was better this way; it was safer for her to act like he never existed. He could bear this pain, he could live with the pining as long as it meant that she was safe and happy. It did seem like she was happy and that's all that he could ever ask for. He could accept that she was ignoring him, it was much better than seeing her cry anyway.

So when Draco returned from the worst Christmas break of his life, he found himself wondering once again how she would react to him ignoring her. Surely she would go back to pretending he never existed like she did at the start of the year. They would just work with each other on the Vanishing Cabinet but outside of that, they would be strangers.

He had been foolish this whole time, unable to contain the happiness he had felt when she had shown that she did care. He had entertained the thought that maybe he had a place in her heart - but the reality check he received when he spoke with Dumbledore and Snape reminded him that it didn't matter whether he did or not. Then, he had gone home during the break at his mother's request and had received another harsh reminder of what his reality was really like.

Maybe he had let a crack slip through in his facade because of how tense he felt about returning home, he wasn't sure but his Aunt seemed to pick up on something. The next thing he knew, it was back to the lessons she had been giving him.

He had been terrified of letting down his defenses when the torture became too much, when all he could really see was the red from her spell and all he could hear was her shouting 'Crucio' followed by her cruel laughter before she tried to take a peak into his mind. Tried was the keyword because he just barely managed to keep his defenses up. In the end, she couldn't pry into his mind. She was the last person who needed to find out about the plan.

The worst part was the questions about her. When Aunt Bellatrix had first seen her in his mind, she had made it very clear that she was a sickness, a leech that was feeding him delusions about the wizarding world, a parasite that he needed to get rid of or she would use her own methods to get rid of her - or even worse, the 'dark lord' would use her against him. So, he had done what was necessary.