Rubato - Scarlett Johansson

Part 41

Scarlett's POV

FUCK! What did I do? What did I just say?

I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. The look on her face. The moment when the anger fell from her features and the tears started to form. That moment right there shattered me. I could feel my stomach churn in regret and my heart breaks knowing I had caused those tears in her eyes. God, I am such a bitch. I can't...I don't... I was just so blinded with worry over her and baby T that I said anything and everything that came to my mind. I didn't mean any of it. Fuck.

How the hell can she move so fast though? I swear I got to the elevator first, I looked everywhere but she was just gone. I went up and down a few times, thinking maybe I missed her somewhere. Hell, I asked every employee in this place if they had seen her and got nothing. Not to mention the constant calls to Robin and Rory asking if they had seen her, while Flo and Lizzie did their own things trying to find her. I have really messed up.

It's just I was so terrified that something awful had happened to her, to them. Those fears that we had talked about all those weeks ago came back with full force, and when she asked what was wrong I lost it. I swear I didn't mean to say any of that. Hell, I didn't mean it. I just... I couldn't stop all these bad thoughts and then I was rambling not even knowing what I was saying and I hate myself for even subconsciously thinking of any of what I just said. I know she would never do anything to endanger her and the baby. I know she thinks she needs to perform at this contest. I know how much music means to her, I mean each of her songs is a part of her and I might have just destroyed her. God, I am the worse person in the world.

She is never going to forgive me. I am never going to forgive myself for saying any of that. I have just ruined the best thing in my life because I was scared. Fuck. How could I even think that about her music? I mean all you have to do is watch her when she is in her office to know how much peace it brings her.  With all the shit she has gone through in her life, from her parents' clear lack of support in her career and life to what that ass-bag of a manager did to her for all those years, I just. She is so strong to keep going and still love music despite all the shit music has caused her. She still loves music. It's her therapy through it all. It makes her feel safe and it gave her a way to be Theo when no one around her was letting her be. And I just... I just tore into that and told her it was pointless. God, I am a bitch.

The way her eyes twinkle, the way she handles everything to do with music with so much care. All of it. It just proves that she idolises music. Yet when she looks at the kids and me, the look she gives music is eclipsed. I know that she loves us more than everything. I know that there has to be a deeper meaning to us being at Eurovision than her just wanting to perform. Hell, even if there isn't a deep meaning I support her unconditionally. I know this is important to her therefore it is automatically important to me too. I don't know what the hell came over me to say those things. 

Well, I do. I was scared. No, I was terrified. I lashed out at the last person I ever wanted to. And now I am sitting on the same sofa I was cuddled up with Theo on sobbing because I know I just broke the love of my life's heart.

I wanted to call her. I wanted to beg her to come back so we could talk so that I could beg and grovel and apologise until I couldn't anymore and then some. Yet my fingers wouldn't hit her contact button. I rang everyone I could think of to find her, everyone but her. Rory and Robin are both suspiciously cagey with their answers making me think she must be with them, which at least means she is safe. 

I just wish I knew where she is. 

I need to talk to her in person, I need to look her in the eyes. In the eyes, I caused tears in, and beg for a forgiveness I don't deserve. I don't care what I was feeling. Those words should have never come out of my mouth and I know that. I betrayed her when I brushed off her music. I attacked her very being with what I said and I honestly don't know if she will ever be able to forgive me for it.