Rubato - Scarlett Johansson

Part 42

Theo's POV

Holy shit. I did it. 

I just performed as a contestant in Eurovision. And I think, I think I might just have crushed it. I mean if the sound of the crowd is anything to judge by I did better than I thought possible because I don't think I have ever heard a crowd so loud. There were easily ten thousand people filling the arena watching me live, not to mention the millions who are currently sitting watching on their televisions as I have all the years before. It's like nothing I have ever done before, and I know I will do nothing like it again. In all honesty, I don't care whether I win or lose, sure it would be nice if I did but I also appreciate the politics that go behind this competition so even if I was the best tonight, which I'm not sure about since some of the other countries really smashed it, other factors go towards winning. Regardless of the results, I think it's safe to say this is the highlight of my career for me. This is a dream come true.

But I don't care about that. I don't care that I have just accomplished the one thing I always wanted to do. A thing I thought I would never get to be a part of. Because even while I was performing for all of these people, living out my biggest dream all I could think about was Scarlett. She is like a parasite living rent-free in my mind, taking up my every thought and dream and I just want her again. I just wanted to do her and everyone else who actually believes in me proud, at least I am hoping she still believes in me. 

I tried to do like a mix of Duncan, Laurence's Arcade; Måns Zelmerlöw's. Heroes: and Polina Gagarina's, A Million Voices. My dress and the lighting at the piano were inspired by Polina, while the piano set up and camera angles were inspired by Duncan and the technical interaction with the hologram of myself was inspired by Måns. They are three of my favourite performances in the last few years and the idea that I was doing what they had, just made the whole thing more magical. I actually met Duncan Laurence once at a party, the man is lovely and maybe one day if we meet again I'll confess his influence on the performance I just did, only if I did well though or it will be kind of embarrassing.

Scarlett has been permanently on my mind since it all went down, well even more so than normal. I wanted to talk to her last night, it broke me slightly hearing the heartbreak in her voice as she griped my wrist, begging me to talk to her. I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to just crumble right there and fall into her embrace, forgive and forget so we can move past this and go back to being us. 

But it was a miracle we hadn't been spotted yet and I really couldn't deal with being recognised right then. I just couldn't look at her without breaking down and that is not something I need to be splashed across TMZ the morning before my big performance. Plus I wanted to focus on the show, the very show that might have just destroyed my relationship. Ok, that isn't true, the show definitely isn't responsible for what happened, it was my fault. It is all my fault...

I pushed her further than she could give and she reacted. I know how scared she gets, I know that what I did, driving off and turning my phone off must have terrified her. I know that if she did that to me, especially if she was pregnant at the time, I would have lost my mind with worry. But I did it anyway. 

True what she said cut deep, but I know she didn't mean it, I saw her eyes after she said it, and I saw the regret and pain in them. I just wanted to give her space to cool off and space for me to cool down so that I didn't say something I regretted, especially since the Big Cabbage seems to be pumping me full of more hormones than I know what to do with.

 I'm not even mad, just upset, and even then I understand where she is coming from. I do need to take a break and stop letting my music dictate my whole life, which is exactly what I am going to do now that Eurovision is over. I even finished up my Marvel projects these last two days so I am free until October when I have to do press for the documentary, which is also when the concert where I proposed to Scarlett is going to be aired. Since it had so much drama in it, and all the people attending had signed several NDAs Netflix decided to make the concert the second part of the documentary. Anyway, the point is now I am free from work for five months. It is about time I put my undivided attention on what really matters, my family.