PREGNANT FOR BROTHER IN LAW

22. You Are......Not

"What's wrong with you? You have been vomiting since yesterday, are you pregnant?"

I was in the toilet bowl, my head lowered to make sure no tiny particles of my vomit fell on the ground, my head was pounding every time I did that, every little thing that I smell caused nausea and I feared that I might be pregnant.

Was I happy that I am finally pregnant? Not really, I don't know what lies ahead of me, I didn't know how I was going to take care of myself around Josh who is now alarmed by my puking every morning in this bowl.

"Do you know how that stink? Make sure you get checked today, and it better not be afuckng human being growing inside you!"

My heart skipped a bit in the last statement. I knew he never wanted a baby, I don't know if it's how his parents brought him back, but he has never loved babies ever since. Even when the neighbors' kids would knock at the door, he would chase them away or complain about small things. Maybe I will know about that in the future, I don't need to know it today.

When asked about why I don't like babies, I know it, I am still unstable to get one, but in case I am stable, I will make sure they get the best life ever!

"I will go for a check-up later when am feeling okay," I force my mouth to utter those words because they were now heavy to come out of my throat. It felt like something was stuck and itching, it couldn't let me utter a word nicely. I want so much to rub my hands on the buttons of the iPod and text Xander but he hasn't texted for days, how can I do that? He has a family, and he has a wife and this is not a part of his concern. They just want the results at the end of nine months, after that, I will be past tense in their history but a piece of me, remains with them, a piece of me who will never be told that I am his or her mother!

Am I jealous now? Not really,  I think it's the irk that comes with my belly wanting to throw everything up that it has stomached but it can't because they are still stuck midway.

I drag myself and lay on the sofa.  Looking up at the old ceiling that is wearing off every second, I don't think Josh is planning to move away from this place anytime soon. He claims this is the best he can afford because he is in his intern position and can't afford something nicer.

Earphones plunged deep into my earbuds, the volume at 100%, I close my eyes hoping by the time it's eight in the morning, my body will feel much better.

Turning over, the sun is illuminating its rays on the tiny crack in the iron door, the light found its way on my face, making me feel like going to split any time from now, grabbing my sheets, I find them before trying to throw up the last bit of what is stuck in my belly onto the toilet bowl. 

Squatting on the bowl, I try to fill my throat with my two fingers but nothing is coming out, it's still stuck! My throat is still itchy and nothing is getting out of it! Fuck, I just want to feel better again.  The toilet door is pushed and Josh stands behind me, shirtless and his drool is all over his mouth. I don't want to see his disgusted face looking at me to remind me that I am making the whole crib stink with my puke.

"When you are done, wash my toilet cleaner, I don't think I'm at the stand this today, so don't expect me home!"

I want to cry but I know those are going to be stupid tears because I want to be alone, all alone in this house, his presence makes my body stressed and his voice is irking in my ears every second, "Last thing, if it's a thing growing inside you, call me, I will send some abortion money, I can't have my blood in your veins!" He slams the door and walks out before I hear the front door open up and there, he is gone.

I gather myself together and drag myself to the living room, everything is boring around me, I don't like the lights but I have to stand up, I feel dizzy every second and my body doesn't want to support me, this doesn't feel like pregnancy and if it's one I swear, they will have to put the baby in an incubator to have it grow in there,