Power of the Pum Pum (From Guns to God)

Chapter 9

Imagine losing your father and then shortly after, abandoned by your mother. People see Tafari as a precarious bad man, they fear him but if you look closely you will see a heartbroken child trapped in an adult body. You will see a boy that had no choice. You will see a boy that was forced to adapt to the streets because he had no one to depend on but himself. Take a moment and fit his shoes. How would you feel? Could you have survived this long? Tafari has little to no options in this world. He failed even before he tried. I'm not in anyway supporting the things he did/still does behind my back but what other options does he have?

Healing from trauma is a hard fought battle but not a hopeless one. That doesn't feel true for people like Tafari. If people were houses then trama would be a ghost and people like Tafari would be the haunted one running from room to room searching for a light. I want to be that light for him. I know its a challenge but no matter how long the tunnel of trauma may seem, there is an end to it. No trauma is eternal. Yes, it is deep and stalk and complex and seemingly unflinching but we cannot determine its stress by our inability to overcome it. We at times may feel as timid as David did when faced with Goliath and our Goliaths may take more than one stone to fall but that doesn't mean they won't fall. They will fall and this is why we need each other.

"Babes let me ask you something"
"Why you call me Tafari?"
"Where you get that name?"

I giggled
"It's a secret"

Tafari pulled me down on top of him and we both landed on the grass. It was a beautiful evening and we decided to spend the day in Rose garden on Caledonia road. Tafari still had his cousin's car so we didn't have to take the bus and we weren't watching the time. He looked light and at peace today. I hope nothing spoils this mood.

I pulled up from on top of him and sat beside him. He had no idea how much I loved him and lately the more my feelings grew the more I found it difficult to explain. Weird!

I ran my fingers through his long black locs. "Tafari means the earthly incarnation of God and war general"
"Tafari is handsome, warm, action-oriented and driven by the desire to be loved and admired, often with an air of royalty around him."
I glanced at him sitting in awe as he listened attentively.
"Tafari loves to be in the limelight, he has a serious personality but often lossens up around friends" I continued.
"Tafari is greatly fear mingled with respect."
"Tafari is a King and you are my King so..."

Tafari pulled me ontop of him again and bit my bottom lip while he stare deeply into my eyes.
"Still nuh know if you a human eno"
"Girl you are sent from heaven"
"Me love you nuh fuck"
He tickled my sides and I giggled and wiggled like I was a preteen.
"You have the killa head a way star"
"Still nuh know how you dweet all now"

I didn't know how to respond to him. For the first time in my life I was speechless. Me, Staci who always had to counteract everything, was speechless because the man she loves finally knows how to love her back. I love it here!

"You have brown eyes man" Tafari crooned to broke the awkward silence.

I closed my eyes as emotions rush through my being. "Yes I do. I am a black girl with brown eyes. Its evident when light passes through my pupil"

"Here deh man" Tafari scoffed.
"Pupil"
"I dont know what that is but okay Dr. Staciann"

"Don't worry you will go back to school"
"Soon know all them things here" I mumbled and braced myself for his response.

Tafari rolled and held his belly as he curled himself into a ball on the grass. I watched as he laughed from his belly. It amazes me how happy he seemed lately. How joy engulfs his being whenever we are together. It makes me never want to spend a minute out of his sight.

"Yes me modda"
"Cause you a must my modda"
He laughed again
"You soon put me on curfew"

"Bible study is tomorrow night"
"You coming?" I snickered and crossed my fingers.

Tafari chuckled and shook his head. "You want too much out a life eno"
"Ambition tall"
"Me like it!"

"Listen to this!" I plugged one of my airpods in Tafari's ear. I played my favorite Beyonce song for him, 'You are my Rock'

"Get up and dance with me"

Tafari blushed so much that if he wasn't so dark skin I would have seen red blushes on his cheeks.

"If there's options I dont want them, they're not worth my time and if its not you oh no thank you I like us just fine" I sang and snap my fingers and Tafari blushed some more. The harder he blushed the closer his cheeks got to his eyes and I loved the sight of it.

Tafari wrapped his arms around my waist and clued my body to his. "Love you eno girl"
"Never know this possible to pussyclaat"
He laughed to himself "Bad man in love star"

I snaked my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek "What a time to be alive!"

I have come the realization that your soulmate won't be some perfect partner who checks all of your boxes. Your soulmate is the one person who sees your flaws, your insecurities, and your trauma, and CHOOSES to wake up every day and love you unconditionally. Love isn't always some over-the-top romantic obsession. It's an action, a choice.