Power of the Pum Pum (From Guns to God)

Chapter 14

Sometimes I think about the love that I've given to the persons around me. Sometimes I even think about the lack of love that I've accepted from them too. The situations I've stayed in just to escape loneliness. The hearts I've tried to mend while mine bled. Seeing Bobby earlier today made me wonder about my entire life. I love Tafari, no doubt but how much was I willing to give up for him? What was I thinking? My brain was so muddled.

Tafari and I kept close contact through that number. I never felt a need to add it to my contacts just in case Terry or anyone else had a reason to use my phone or something.

Me: How you get phone in there?

Number: A big woman weh rate me pay a police bwoy for it.

Me: You woman?

Number: A you a me woman!

Number: Cant lie to you thou. She rate me but she a old foot. Done know a you have me heart.

Number: A she give the police bwoy them a change to buy food and thing for me and make me can get me weed and such.

I did not respond. Something about him accepting gifts from this "big woman" didn't sit well with me.

Number: B how you a move suh from weh day?

By "weh day" he meant a couple days back.
Seeing him in handcuffs made me wonder if he was worth fighting with. Was I giving up the life I could have had for him? Was my uncle and everyone around me seeing what I wasn't able to see? It is said that the first step towards change is to acknowledge what one has done wrong. Tafari didn't seem as if he was every planning to change. He didn't have any remorse for what he has done in his past.

I almost fell from the wooden stool as peals of laughter erupted from my throat. What was I thinking? If Tafari could hear me now... I would probably get a bullet in my neck and that made me wonder again. Was I agreeing to be his ride or die because I was afraid of him? Lately he has been saying some things that makes me tremble. Like a message he sent last week while we were having a heart to heart.

Number: B me cant keep this from you no longer. Me affi tell you. See the bwoy weh them shoot up last week round suh? A me killa them dweet. Hear say him a seh me nuh bad mi just a jail bud. Suh me show him weh the jail bud can do.

Can I spend my life with a man that delegates in that manner?

Number: B them say a me kill Jerry eno

Me: Did you?

Number: Cyaa believe you a ask me that.

Me: I am. So, did you?

Number: Me dweet yes, nah go lie to you but anuh like em never deserve it.

The phone fell from my trembling hands.