Power of the Pum Pum (From Guns to God)

Chapter 33

You cannot show someone your best unless they have seen you at your worst; They won't know how to appreciate you. This was true.

I pushed pass Tafari and picked up the bag.
"Well, you nah no choice now sir"
"A done your pickney them"
"Anything you nuh know already, yah fi go learn it now"

I placed the bag on the verandah.
Tafari stood in the door way. His eyes told me he was about to panic. It is in moments like these that I wished his brother was still alive. He would have known how to help him make sense of this. Without much knowledge, one would thing that Tafari was the strongest of the two. But, Tafari's defense mechanisms were projection and displacement so it was easy for a person who never truly knew them to assume such a thing.

Sudden shifts and changes were Tafari's kryptonite. Something he calls the darkness. The walls he built around him, no matter how rugged they appeared, were coated with fear. I knew that, his brother knew that too. When the darkness slips in, he releases something he calls the venom; the reaction to protect himself and the ones he love.

"Come help me with the stroller" I requested but he did not move. I unlocked the wheels of the stroller and pushed it up to the first step of the verandah
"You nah come help me?" I asked again.

I was beginning to feel nervous and scared but love makes us grow armours and shields and develop unimaginable strength. Love causes us mount up like eagles.

I tussle with the stroller until I finally gave in to the fact that I wasn't going to manage to bring it inside on my own.
"This nah work" I blurted in frustration.
I took the babies from the stroller one by one and went inside the house with them.

They were cute. They both had their father's eyes.

Tafari still didn't move. He stared frantically at me with his boys.

"Bring in the bag and stroller come"

I didn't know the first "how to" as it relates to children but I knew care.

Tafari slowly picked up the stroller and bag and brought them inside. He placed the stroller in a corner and placed the bag on the sofa.
He shook his head the more he tried to process what just happened.
"Weh..weh me ago do now?"
"Man naven can look after himself"
"Jah Jah" he let out a deep sigh.

"We!" I blurted without clear thought of what I was getting myself into.
"Weh WE ago do?"
"And the answer is ..We ago figure out a way"

I cradled the boys in my arms and sighed. They were a bit heavy. I wouldn't be able to hold them for much longer so I motioned to the bedroom and left Tafari standing in the living room area.

I had no clue or surety of what to do. I just knew that if I left Tafari alone in this situation, I would lose him forever.

I placed the boys on the bed and sat beside them. They were adorable, I couldn't understand why their mother was willing to give them up so easily. It didn't make much sense to me. Tafari said they weren't together when she got pregnant so why did she have the children only to turn her back on them? There was a lot about human thoughts that didn't make sense to me; this was one of them.

"Staci weh me...we ago do now?" Tafari stuttered.

I didn't know the answer to that.

"I don't know the answer to that" I confessed, still staring at the boys.
"Weh them eat?"
"She breast feed them?"

Tafari walked over to us.
"Nuh think suh eno"
"She ever a seh them nuh too want no breast"

"Then she must have feeding and bottles in the bag"
"Me ago look" I got up and went back to the living room.

When I got back to the room I saw Tafari speaking to his boys.
"Unuh ago good yere that"
"Me ago make sure a that"
"Just God and time dweet"
"Me ago do whatever it takes to make sure unuh live a better life than me"

My heart broke when he said the last sentence.
I walked over to him and he rested his head on my tummy. I ran my fingers through his hair.
"Stop worry you self, them ago good"
"God knows best"

The idea of having a fairytale love story was like looking through a rareview mirror; a sight I can only view from a distance. Then I met Tafari and this intense mysterious King came into my life with the power of making me feel in places that were otherwise numb.

When I somewhat united with Bobby, most person's thought that I was foolish not to choose a life with him. They said a life with Bobby was safer and Bobby had more to offer. What they didn't know was that I would rather have rainstorms with Tafari than sunny days with Bobby. It wouldn't make sense if I tell them, they wouldn't understand. But that's okay, it wasn't for them to understand anyways. When I did what I did with Bobby, my love for Tafari was tested and it must be tested once more.

Stating that you will be a person's  ride or die is an easy persuasive speech but living the reality of it is where one's loyalty is tested. Something can never be half true. It is either this way or that way, black or white. You cannot say you are a rider and choose the days or occasions that you will ride. Being a rider doesn't have an on or off switch. It is when your love one's back is against the wall that your truth is revealed. Was I a rider? I was about to find out.

"I don't know what's going to happen but if you'll let me, I will weather this storm with you"

Tafari looked up at me.
Tears build up in his eyes. The sight was a privilege and a curse.. I knew a side of this robust yet unstable man that no one else knew. I knew that deep inside of him was a soft sweet man who feared the dangers of this world.

"I love you!" He mumbled and relaxed more into my embrace.

"And I love you right back" I assured him.