Power of the Pum Pum (From Guns to God)

Chapter 37

A time to be born and a time to die. I knew that; everybody knew that.

"Terry God will punish me, I can't do it" I sobbed into my hands after Terry and I taught ourselves how to fire a gun.

I've seen Tafari add bullets to his guns more times than I can count. On a few occasions, he gave me brief lessons on how to do it.

"Pull back this, then it ago clicks, push it back then put your finger yasso"
"Make sure you stand up firm, aim any weh you want to shoot, and pull back you finger"
"Bam! bam! bam!"
"Dead them dead!"
I would chuckle every time he taught me.

Terry nudge me "Weh you mind gone?"
"See you phone light up deh"
Before I could, Terry reached for my phone.
"A Bobby" she pushed the phone in front of me. "Ansa him"
"Tell him a you and your friend ago come suh him nuh bother meds fi try nothing"

Before I could answer the call ended.

"Call him back!" Terry demanded.

I did.
"Weh you want?" I said as soon as Bobby opened the call.

As usual, Bobby chuckled.
"Your head get hot eh man?"
"Relax, me on me way"

We did not agree to meet at my house but I guess it was safer so I didn't protest.
"Come straight over me yard"
"Park right a me gate where everybody can see you car"

"Tell him me deh yah to" Terry whispered and tugged my arm.
"Em better nah medz fi try nothing oh"

"Me friend deh yah tuh and if you think my head hot you have a next guess coming" I rolled my eyes as if Bobby could see me.

Bobby chuckled and ended the call.

My mind flashed back to Tafari lying in the pool of blood on the roadside. Something about seeing the love of my life lying helplessly in that pool of blood drove an unquenchable fire in my being. I wanted to kill Bobby, I was going to kill him as soon as he stepped foot through the front door. Before I could figure out how to properly execute my plan, there was a knock at the front door. Terry and I exchanged eye contact before I got up to let my victim in. Tonight I had one aim, and that was to seek revenge. When I opened the door Bobby walked in and grinned at me. I wanted to smack the creepy smirk from his handsome face.

"Weh you come in yah a grin your teeth dem fah" I hissed. I had never felt so much boiling anger before.
"Nothing funny bout in here eno"
"Just talk weh you forward fi talk bout and cut bredda"

Terry glanced at me in deep shock. She had never heard me speak in such a manner. In all honesty, I have never spoken this street before.

"Bredda?" Bobby raised an eyebrow
"You man well program you eh man?"
"Bredda?" Bobby scoffed. "Look how you nice, nuh bother pick up the ghetto talking"
He shook his head, "It nuh fit you"

I expected Terry to defend me but she didn't. She hung her head down and pretended to be busy on her cell phone. I knew she agreed with Bobby but I didn't care. I didn't care about tbs opinion of others anymore.  I was tired of living my life to satisfy those around me.

I was raised in the church. I am Christian but sometimes when I say it I feel that I'm trying to convince myself more than others because I have fallen into so many bad situations and habits. I have had more bumps on my road than the average person. One might wonder how is it possible to be Christian and go through so much but you see, God never promises that the cross we carry won't be heavy, he just promises that he'll be there with us while we carry it.

"God help me with my cross" I mumbled under my breath so no one but God could hear me.

"Hi Terriann" Bobby grinned at Terry but she rolled her eyes and looked away.

"So all you have me up to?" Bobby scoffed.

Terry still didn't give Bobby the time of day.

As a Christian, I'm expected to walk an imaginary line and come what may I dare not slip up, or else I'll be ridiculed by people of society who aren't even trying to play the role of doorkeepers let alone bench warmers. What humans fail and have been failing to understand since the beginning of time is that no one is ideally good or bad. We are all on the spectrum...the average person is circumstantially ambivalent. Some are either more benevolent or malevolent than the other. 

The funny thing about life is that everyone tries to skip parts of their story, not knowing that in the mids of our struggles is where characters are built. Struggles are like a trap door that allows us to fall into ourselves.

"Weh you wah talk bout?" I didn't want Bobby here any longer than he should. I couldn't risk any of Tafari's friends hearing about him being here. Uncle Sam was already mad as hell about the current situation.

"Let's relax first Staci"
"We anuh friends again?"

I frowned. My mind reflected back to the gun. As I wondered how I would get it without Bobby noticing that I was up to something, he spoke again.

"You nah nothing to drink?"
"Something strong to get you to calm down"
Bobby licked his lips and bore into my soul with his wandering eyes."You are sweeter when you are more relaxed"

"Weh you want police bwoy?"  Terry blurted impatiently.
"Come a chat off you mouth like you feel Staci a look friend"
She folds her arms "Talk you talk bad man and lift up from yasso"

Terry's outburst surprised me. It activated something in me that I never knew I was capable of.

As Terry addressed Bobby I motioned towards my room. When I got there I rambled through my closet to find Tafari's gun. It was nowhere to be found and it made me even more angry. I banged my hands on the closet door in frustration and fear. I was sure that this was where I put it. Where the hell could it be? Sam didn't come here so who could have moved it? I didn't want Bobby to hurt Terry, I couldn't risk anyone else getting hurt on my accord.

"Weh yah look fah?" Terry asked and I flinched from her sudden appearance.
"Me tek out that man"

I sighed and held my chest at the sound of those words.

Terry walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder
"Sorry me even did put such thoughts in a you head"
"That's not you boo"
"Yah good girl, Tikka ago need you to rehabilitate"
Terry inched closer and hugged me. We both slid down on the rug as tears expelled from my eyes in a sudden rush. As I sobbed and eased into Terry's embrace, she held me tighter and stroked my hair.

"Go back to church Staci and when Tikka comes out, take him with you"
"Go back to a place of prayer best friend"

Terry was right. Terry was always right.

"Where is Bobby?" I asked and rubbed my teary eyes.

"Him cut. Seh him sorry him did come round here cause you nuh know what you want and never will"
"Him did a chat off him mouth some more but nuh pay that nuh mind"
"Just focus on Tikka"
"Everything ago make sense soon"

For the 100th time, Terry was right.

God doesn't have to explain the season we are in or why he's allowing it. Jesus already told us that God is the author and finisher of our fate. So throughout our seasons, we are expected to remember what Jesus already taught us about God. Remembering how Jesus turned David's message into a message, I made a firm decision to go back to church.