Oh Ms Believer

24. Samantha

I decided that on the first day of school, I was going to go in my wheelchair. It would be Cameron's first day back (just like everyone), but he was coming back in a wheelchair. I didn't want him to feel like everyone was staring at him. I called him the night before school started and told him my plan.

"You don't have to do that, Sam," he'd said. "Everyone already knows you have a prosthetic. They know you weren't paralyzed in the shooting."

"Yeah, I know. But it's been a while since they've seen me in my chair, and it'll be the first time a lot of people will be reminded of last June when they see you. I'm hoping maybe I can help keep some of them from staring at you. It's a shitty feeling," I said.

Cameron was quiet for a minute.

"Thanks, Sam. You're probably the only person who understands this... whole thing."

"Maybe. But, and I'll admit it took me a while to believe this, you're still the same person as before. You just suck at running now."

Cameron laughed. Then his voice caught and I could hear tears in his voice.

"It's gonna suck not having Blaine there," he said.

Blaine and Morgan had been best friends. Cameron was their sort-of third 'Musketeer'. The three of them hung out together a lot.

"Did you see Morgan much over the summer?" I asked.

Cameron sighed.

"Not really. I spent a lot of the summer in rehab. He visited a few times, but, well, it's hard."

I nodded. Then I remembered he couldn't see me, cleared my throat and agreed. It had been hard. It was still hard. A few times after we did the candles at dad's concerts, I went backstage and cried. Mom or Aunt Debby came with me and would hold me while I cried.

"What?" I said, realizing I'd missed something Cameron had said.

"I was going to ask Ashley to be my girlfriend," he said quietly. "After exams were done. I was going to take her out and ask her. Now I'll never have that chance. And I really loved her."

Ashley and Cameron had been seeing each other, but I had no idea Cameron wanted to be exclusive with Ashley. It didn't surprise me, though.

"I'm so sorry, Cam," I said.

"Thanks. Do you find it hard to talk to people who weren't there?"

"Some, yeah. My parents are great but they weren't there. Jill was at school, but not in the room."

"Yeah. Same. How are you coping?"

"Therapy. Seriously. I've had a therapist since I started living with my parents. He's helped me through, well, everything. Stuff from my past when I started living with my parents, my leg, the shooting."

"I went to the school grief counselling. She was okay. I guess. But people who were there, who were in the room? They just understand better. I saw a few interviews you gave. Thanks for memorializing our friends on your dad's tour. I saw the videos. It was really special. I noticed you didn't mention Kyle in the memorials."

"Why would I? I don't want to categorize him with our friends and teacher. He doesn't deserve it."

"Are you angry? I find myself getting unreasonably angry sometimes."

"Yeah. Doc helped me with that, but yeah. I still get unreasonably angry, too," I admitted. "I think. I get mad at Kyle, to be honest. But, since I can't yell at him, I find I sometimes take it out on my parents. They've been fantastic, though. They understand, and I usually apologize after. Doc helped me figure out that I was furious at Kyle but couldn't direct my anger at him, so it had to come out somehow. My dad got me a punching bag while on tour. I beat the crap out of that thing. He had one installed in the basement, too. It's in the corner of his studio. So I can yell and scream all I want, and no one will hear me upstairs."

"Your dad has a studio in the house?"

"Well, yeah. He does a lot of recording and writing here in the house," I said.

"I guess that makes sense," Cameron said.

We chatted for another few minutes, and then his mom made him get off the phone to get ready for bed. I'm guessing it takes him a little extra time now, as it did and sometimes still does.

I put my phone on the charger and lay back on my bed, looking over at my dresser and the picture of my mom. My birth mom. I sighed. I wonder what she would have thought about all of this. Would she have comforted me? Would Stanley have cared that I came close to being killed at school? Or would he have been happy about it? Or sad that Kyle missed? If I'd even been at this school.

Just then, there was a knock on the door. Mom came in.

"You're already in bed?" she asked.

"Yeah. I figured I was up here and I have to get up early for school anyway. I just got off the phone with Cameron," I said.

"How's he doing?"

I shrugged.

"Okay, I think. He was going to ask Ashley to be his girlfriend after exams," I said. Mom tsked.

"Mom?" I asked.

"Yeah?" she asked, sitting on my bed.

"I'm going to use my chair tomorrow," I said.

"How come? Is your leg bothering you again?"

"No. But it's the first day back, and it's the first time Cameron will be at school in his chair. I remember how much it sucked when I went back and didn't have my leg yet. He's going to, kinda, be the biggest reminder of what happened in June. I don't want him to feel like he sticks out like a sore thumb. I figured I could take some of the focus off him."

"That, my amazing daughter, is incredibly sweet of you. You amaze me so much," she said to me. I smiled.

"I know Sam is amazing, but why is she amazing this time?" Dad asked, coming in to say goodnight.

"She's going to use her chair tomorrow when she goes back to school. So Cameron doesn't feel like everyone is staring at him."

"That's our Sam. Always thinking of others," Dad smiled at me.

They both gave me a kiss goodnight and turned out my overhead light.

I didn't want to admit to them that despite the counselling, and the meeting at the school last week, I was terrified of returning tomorrow. I knew it was unlikely what happened in June would happen, especially since Kyle wasn't around anymore. I just had to remember I had my friends. Well, not Blaine. But Jill, Morgan and Cameron. And my team.

I think we'll be okay. It's going to be hard for a while, going back without our friends, but I think we'll heal.