Oh Ms Believer

62. Samantha

Jill, Mason, Cameron, Tristan and I talked during lunch about celebrating Blaine's birthday, even though Blaine wasn't here to celebrate with us.

"Are we doing the right thing?" Jill asked.

"Is there a wrong thing?" Cameron asked.

"There's no instruction manual for this," Tristan said. "Like, is it morbid that we're thinking about celebrating our dead friend's birthday?"

"I can't not acknowledge it," I said. "I. I can't let it go by."

"I get it, Sam," Jill said. "And we'll do it. Of course we will. Blaine was our friend. He deserves to have his birthday acknowledged.  And I think it'll do you some good, too."

I smiled. Jill was awesome. She always got me. But it still sucked that Blaine died. And he died protecting me. I still carry a lot of guilt about that.

A few days after I got home from the hospital, Blaine's parents came to visit me at home and told me that they didn't blame me for Blaine dying. That they will always know in their hearts that Blaine did the right thing. That they were so proud that he protected his friend, even though it meant they lost their son. His sister, who is younger by two years, came. She gave me a hug and said that Blaine talked about me a lot, and the rest of our friends, and that he thought of me and Jill as sisters. That he'd often said he'd die for his friends.

And he did. And I still felt guilty. Because he shouldn't have had to.

"Sam?" Mason shook my shoulder.

"Sorry," I said. "I was just thinking."

"Well, that's never a good thing," Cameron grinned. I stuck my tongue out at him. He returned the favour.

"So we agree?" Jill said. "PF Changs on Saturday?"

We all nodded. The guilt though, was making my stomach turn. I looked outside and saw it was sunny. It had been cool in the morning, but wasn't supposed to be too cold. Maybe Dad would play some basketball with me. I really needed to talk to him and somehow, basketball helped me talk to him about things more easily. But I'd make sure to eat a good snack this time.

At the end of the day, I was leaving the school with my friends. Cameron stopped me and Jill said she was going to catch the bus, so she left.

"Sam," Cameron said.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Do you really still feel guilty about Blaine?"

I looked down at the floor and nodded. Tears were threatening.

"You know protecting you was Blaine's idea. You did nothing wrong. He chose to cover you," Cameron said.

I sighed.

"I know. Logically I know that. But I'm doing so, he died. For the longest time I blamed myself for what Kyle did. That if I'd just tutored him more or differently..."

"Look, Kyle was an asshole. Not just because of what he did in June, but in general."

I frowned. Kyle had always seemed pretty nice to me.

"He was a nice guy in general, but out on the diamond? He was ruthless. He never wanted to lose. And towards the end, he was way worse. He'd have a tantrum every time he got struck out or thrown out at a base. Or if someone made an error, he'd ream them out in the dugout. Like, we're talking screaming and swearing fits of rage.

Coach was going to kick him off the team long before June. And long before his academic suspension from the team."

I nodded. It didn't make me feel better, really. Tears threatened. I took a deep, shuddering breath.

"It still doesn't explain what shooting up our classroom was all about. My dad thinks maybe he wanted us all to hurt as much as he did getting kicked off the team.

Cameron and I talked a little more as we walked outside. I wiped my eyes of the tears that had threatened, but hadn't fallen.

Suddenly, I heard my name screeched.

"Sammy!" And Rosie was running up the sidewalk towards me. I was confused. What as she doing here? Then I saw Mom and Dad and the stroller with Junie in it. I smiled as Rosie got to me, picked her up and hugged her. She was just what I needed right at that moment.

I moved her to my hip and introduced her to Cameron.

"You has a chair like Sammy's," she said. "Does you have a new leg, too?"

We had to laugh at the way she asked the question. I mean, she's only almost three.

"No. My legs don't work at all anymore," Cameron answered.

"Oh. They's broken?" She asked.

"Sort of," Cameron said. Rosie nodded as if she fully understood.

I said goodbye to Cameron and walked down the sidewalk to Mom and Dad.

"Sama!" Junie cried out.

"Hello to you too, Junie Belle," I said.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what are you all doing here?" I asked.

"We took your sisters to the park, so we thought we'd come walk home from school together," Dad said. I nodded. I liked that. I liked that they came to meet up with me. It was a good day for them to have done that. I needed the pick me up.

Everything okay?" Dad asked. I looked down at the ground and then back up. I looked ahead of myself as opposed to at Dad.

"I don't know," I said and sighed.

"What's up?" He asked. I shrugged.

"Were you crying when you came out with Cameron? It looked to me like you were."

"Maybe a little," I said. "We were all planning the weekend at lunch today and then. I don't know. I just..."

I trailed off and shrugged. Dad was looking carefully at me.

"Dad?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"I have a ton of homework but, can we play ball for a bit before I do any?"

"Of course," he said. I think he realized that was where I felt most comfortable and found it easier to talk about tough things.

When we got home, I went into the kitchen and grabbed a snack and then went out to the backyard while Dad helped Mom with Rosie and Junie.

He came out about five minutes later.

"Ready?" He asked. I nodded.

Dad picked up the basketball and started bouncing it on the court.

"To 21?" He asked. I shrugged. Sure. Whatever.

I blocked him and stole the ball from him, easily making a basket.

"It's still not fair that you're taller than me," Dad smiled. I didn't return his smile.

"What's up, kiddo?"

I looked at him and then the dam burst.