Oh Ms Believer

28. Tyler

Sam's first day back at school seemed to have gone well. We'd been at the school to tell the survivors of that day last June about the plans for the courtyard; otherwise, she'd been on her own at school.

When she came out, with another boy walking beside her, I could see she had been crying. When I asked her about it, she told me that the boy she'd come out with had told her that Parker, whose parents had taken him off life support a couple of weeks after the shooting, had liked Sam and had planned on asking her out. She was upset because she'd liked Parker. I told her she wasn't dating until she was 30, and I was only slightly serious.

I got her home and took her chair out of the bed of my truck. I'd also brought her crutches, and she chose to use those to go into the house.

"I've literally been sitting all day. I'd like to be vertical for a change," she smiled.  I smiled back at her.

We went into the house, and Rosie immediately ran up to Sam. 

"You is home!" she said, hugging Samantha's leg. 

"Hey, Peanut.  Yup. But I have some homework to do. When I'm done, we can play a little bit, okay?"

"Okay Sammy!" Rosie said and toddled off to her playroom.  I smiled as I watched the interaction between my two oldest. 

"How was school, sweetheart?" Jenna asked as Sam made her way into the kitchen, sat at the breakfast bar and started pulling out her textbooks and notebooks. 

"It was alright," Sam said. "It was okay."

"Did anything... happen?"

"Not really. We had an assembly in the morning before you guys came. And I met with the basketball team in the last period. Otherwise, it was a pretty typical day. Ms. Kendrick switched with Mr. Thompson and took over my math class. Most of the class were people in the room." 

She didn't have to elaborate. We knew what she meant by 'in the room'.

"I see," Jenna said. Just then, the baby monitor went off. "Oh, someone's up from her nap. I'll be right back."

Jenna went upstairs, and Samantha started on her homework.   I stayed in the kitchen with her.  I was leaving on tour in the morning. While I still had a few things to do, I wanted to spend as much time with Sam and the rest of the family, but Sam specifically because my leaving was hard on her before, and I was sure it would be hard for her again since she was just getting back to things. 

"Dad," Sam said, looking at me. "I know you have a ton of things to do. I'm going to do my homework and be boring.  You don't have to sit and watch me."

"I want to sit and watch you be boring," I said. 

She looked at me with a look that said, 'you're nuts, ' and returned to her homework.

She was right, though.  I had a ton of stuff to do, and eventually, I went downstairs to my studio and office to check on some things.  I'd spent most of the day, after we'd returned from the school, packing. All the tour equipment was already taken care of, so I needed to pack my clothes and check a few things in my office. 

Before I knew it, Jenna was calling me for dinner. I hadn't realized how much time had passed.

I joined the family in the kitchen. Sam was quiet, and Rosie and Junie were both babbling away. I tried to engage Sam some, asking her about basketball. She answered, but her answers were short, and she wouldn't look me in the eye. I let it go for now. I'd talk to her after the little kids went to bed.

Once dinner was finished and we'd cleaned up, Jenna took the littles to bed, and I sat Samantha down.

"Sam, are you okay?" I asked her. 

"Yeah," she said simply. 

"No, you aren't. What's bothering you?"

Tears formed in her eyes. 

"I don't want you to leave," she said. "I know you have to, and I know nothing is probably going to happen, but I don't want you to go."

I pulled her into my arms and hugged her. I kissed her head, which I could now only reach when she was sitting. I didn't say anything at first, I just held her. 

"I know,"  I said after a few minutes of just letting her be. "I know you don't want me to leave. It's a short run. We'll be home before Halloween."

"I know," Sam sniffled. "But, I don't know. I know Kyle can't come back. And I know logically it's unlikely someone else is going to do what he did. But part of me is scared. I'm scared it's going to happen again."

I tightened my hug. I had had a feeling Sam was feeling a little more worried about school and what happened than she'd been letting on. She tended to wait for us to tell her she could let her feelings out. She spent so many years not having her feelings validated or being told her feelings didn't matter that she'd learned to hide them, mainly to protect herself. 

"I can't tell you it won't, though it's implausible," I said. "I wish I could say for sure, but no one knows what tomorrow will bring. I'm so sorry this is weighing on you and I'm so sorry I can't make it all better."

"It's okay," Sam said. 

"No, it isn't. I'm your dad. I'm supposed to protect you from all the terrible things that happen in the world, and I've done a really crappy job of it."

"Dad, it wasn't your fault. It was Kyle's," Sam said. 

"I know. I wish I could go back in time and stop it from happening. You know you can talk to me, Mom, Doc, and Uncle Josh. Anyone. We're all here for you."

"I know, thanks, Dad. But I still don't want you to leave."

"I know, Sam. But I'll be back in a few weeks."

Sam hugged me tighter. We sat like that for a while. Eventually, Jenna joined us, and the three of us watched TV. I wasn't feeling any better about leaving them in the morning.