Oh Ms Believer

35. Jenna

"Jen, I'm really worried about Sam," Debby said when I answered my phone. It was ten o'clock, and she said they'd gone for dinner and a movie.

"We all are, Debby. I just don't know what to do. She's hurting but I don't know how because she won't tell us what she's feeling."

"She zoned out watching the movie. I don't think she even watched it. When it ended, I startled her when I asked her if she enjoyed it. She said it was a movie Blaine would have liked."

"I think that's the first time she's mentioned his name in that context. It's been more removed otherwise. Like mentioning that someone mentioned his name at school. Just encourage her to talk."

"I'm trying, I promise. But there's more. Jen, she's not eating again."

"She's so stressed. But again, I don't know what else to do."

"What does Doc say?"

"He's suggested hospitalizing her, and we always told her we'd never send her away. But I'm starting to think he might be right. But I also want to see how things go after Tyler's back. Right now, she has a lot of stuff going on compounded with Tyler being away."

"Are you sure waiting two more weeks is a good idea?"

"Has she done or said anything that you think we're in a more urgent state?"

"No. Not really. But she doesn't seem... connected. She blanks out for minutes at a time,  until you can get her attention again."

"I hadn't noticed that. Do you think they're seizures?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't think so. She just looks like she's lost in thought."

I sighed. I really didn't know what else to do. I would keep a closer eye on her when she came back from Debby's.

I hung up from my call with Debby and checked in on the littles before heading to bed myself. In the morning, I got up, got the girls up and changed, and made us breakfast. We spent the day at home, making cookies for when Samantha came home on Sunday, and playing in the backyard. It was a nice, quiet day and I enjoyed the day with my little girls. I spoke with Samantha around dinner time and she told me Debby was ordering pizza and they might watch TV or go out somewhere for a walk. Her voice held no emotion to it. When I asked if she was having a good time, she said she was, but her voice was just so flat.

Tyler called while I was reading in bed.

"Hi gorgeous. How're things?" He asked.

I sighed.

"Debby's worried about Sam. She says she's not eating much, again. And she's zoning out. They went to a movie last night and Debby said she thinks Sam zoned out and missed the whole movie."

"Could it be seizures?" he asked.

"That was my first thought, too. Maybe they're absence seizures. But Debby says she thinks it just looks like she's deep in thought. Tyler, what if she's reliving that day? What if she's blaming herself?"

"Why would she blame herself? It isn't her fault Kyle... did what he did," Tyler said.

"You know how she internalizes everything negative. If something bad happens, it's her fault. She blames herself. She tutored him and I wonder if she thinks it's her fault he did what he did."

"Nah," Tyler said. "You don't think that."

He was silent for a minute.

"Do you think she's blaming herself for what Kyle did?"

"I'm starting to. Why else would she be backsliding so much?  Tyler, I spoke to Doc after her last appointment and he suggested maybe hospitalizing her for a little while."

"In the psych ward?" He asked. I could hear fear in his voice.

"Yeah," I said. "I think so."

"Jen... we promised. We promised we'd never send her away."

"This wouldn't be sending her away, Tyler. It would be getting her help and then bringing her home."

Tyler was silent again. I knew he was thinking. When it comes to mental health, Tyler doesn't make spontaneous decisions.

"Can you hold off a couple days at least?"

"Yeah, of course. I haven't committed to anything."

"Okay. Good. Let me think a bit. Maybe talk to Sam after the weekend."

I sighed. I wanted to make sure Samantha got the help she needed that we weren't able to figure out. But I also wanted to just try to get her to talk to me. Even if she couldn't articulate exactly what she's feeling, I wish she'd just - tell me what was on her mind.

"Okay, Tyler. I'll wait. I don't want to have to take drastic measures. But she's not herself. And I'm starting to get scared."

"Should I come home?"  Tyler was seriously worried. He only considered that when he was really worried.

"I don't think we're there yet," I said. "But I'll let you know if we do get there."

"Okay. I'm on the next flight the minute you say."

We hung up and I tried to get some sleep. It wasn't easy with Samantha weighing on my mind. All I wanted was for all of my children to be healthy and happy. But no one prepares you to be the parent of a school shooting survivor. And Samantha had so many other issues from her past that we were still working through. It hurt my heart that this had been added on to her.

I was afraid we were losing our daughter. And we didn't know how. Or how to reach her and bring her back.

Sunday morning I was up before I wanted to be. I hadn't slept much before Junie woke me up. I got her changed and then and went and got Rosie up.

"Sammy come home today?" She asked.

"Yes, ma'am," I smiled at her. "Aunt Debby is going to bring her home before dinner."

"Can Aunt Debby stay for dinner?" Rosie asked.

"We'll ask her," I smiled. Rosie smiled back.

The rest of the day was spent fighting alligators and sitting in the sun.

At 5, Debby and Sam came home.

"Hi, sweetie!" I said to Sam as she came in the house. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah," Sam said, making her way towards the stairs with her backpack.

"Just 'yeah'?" I said, glancing at Debby, who shrugged.

Sam turned and looked at me.

"What do you want from me?" She asked. "Yes. I had fun at Aunt Debby's. Yes. I behaved. What else do you want from me?!"

I was taken aback. There was something behind her answer. Not anger exactly. She wasn't mad that I'd asked her about the weekend. It was more like she didn't have an opinion on the weekend, and was just answering generically.

Sam stared at me, then turned around and went upstairs. I heard her bedroom door slam and then leaned up against the closet door and broke down into tears.

Debby came over and wrapped her arms around me.

"I don't know what to do," I sobbed. "Tyler wants me to wait until he's had a chance to talk to her in the next couple of days, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't know what to do."

"I know," Debby said. "She was so detached from everything we did this weekend. I tried so hard to get her to engage. I just, I couldn't. I'm so sorry, Jenna. I think Doc might be right."

I nodded.

"Me too. But I promised Tyler I'd at least wait until he spoke to her. How did she eat after Friday night?"

"Not great. She pushes the food around and hides it under other stuff more than she eats. Her blood sugar is okay, she's bolousing, but she's not eating a lot. She's not even bolousing for a full meal.  I'm pretty sure she snuck Jim some food, too."

I sighed. I didn't know if Sam could wait until Tyler called. I didn't know if we had the time to wait.