Oh Ms Believer

45. Jenna

I ran to Sam's bed fearing the absolute worst and bracing myself. What did she do? What did she do? Fear took over. I wrenched back her bedcovers. There was no blood. Shouldn't there be blood? Why is there no blood?

"Where's the blood?" I asked.

Doc and Zack looked on. Doc carefully picked up the razor blade with a gloved hand and looked down on Samantha. He gently pushed up Samantha's shirt sleeves. That's when I saw it.

"It's my fault"

She'd cut it into her arm. I couldn't stop the tears. I looked down at Samantha and saw her eyes were open. She was looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she sobbed. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

I fell onto the bed and pulled Samantha into my arms.

"Samantha, sweetheart, no. It wasn't your fault. Oh, baby. No," I sobbed. "It wasn't your fault."

"Sam?" Zack said. She looked up at him.

"Uncle Zack? Why are you here?" She looked around her room for the first time and saw Doc and the paramedics. "What's happening?"

She looked at me.

"Mom?"

"Samantha," I sobbed. "Sweetheart, you need more help than we can give you at home. Doc told you this afternoon that you need inpatient care, sweetheart. Uncle Zack came to help us."

"You're sending me away?" She asked. Panic was climbing in her voice.

"No, no darling. I'm coming with you. I'll help you get settled."

"No!" Sam shot up in bed, then grabbed her head and groaned.

"Samantha, please go with Doc and the paramedics. Sweetheart, we want to help you feel better. Samantha, my sweet girl. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss watching your face light up when your sisters are in the room. I miss my sweet Samantha. We want to help you get better."

"You waited until Dad was away! You know he'd stop you!" Samantha shouted.

"Samantha, honey, I talked to Dad today. We only want what's best for you. Please, sweetheart. Please. Let us get you help."

"I don't need help!" She shouted. "Just leave me alone! I don't need help! It was my fault! Why don't you understand that?!"

She tried to move further back but her bed was up against the wall and she'd literally backed herself into a corner. Doc nodded at the paramedics who came into the room.

"Okay, Zack," he said to Zack. "It's go time."

We'd discussed that we'd try gentle, then Zack would try while the paramedics got organized and ready to restrain and possibly sedate Samantha. I stepped back, tears flowing down my face.

"Sam, come on my sweet girl. Come with Uncle Zack and let's get you feeling better," Zack said, moving towards her bed. Doc had moved the desk chair and had moved towards the head of the bed.

Sam wouldn't budge out of the corner. The tears wouldn't stop. Sam was crying, I was crying, Zack was trying to hold it together, badly.

Zack got a hold of her left ankle and the paramedics moved in. Doc took hold of Samantha's left arm and got his arms around her as Zack pulled her back towards the edge of the bed. The paramedics helped with her arms and legs and getting her off the bed.

Samantha started screaming and fighting with such a primal energy she barely seemed human.

With a tight hold on her, the paramedics, Doc and Zack manoeuvred Samantha downstairs towards the stretcher. Samantha screamed and fought the whole way. I saw Doc nod and one of the paramedics pulled a needle from his pocket, uncapped it and stuck it in Samantha. She must have felt it because she screamed even louder than I thought possible, and fought against Doc, Zack and the paramedics with strength I couldn't imagine her thin frame could muster. But then I watched as her movements slowed and her volume lowered. Finally, the paramedics and Zack and Doc laid her unconscious form on the stretcher. The paramedics tied town her wrists and ankle and then strapped her down to the stretcher.

I looked up and saw Rosie in the playroom doorway.

"Mama?" She said. "Sammy?"

Debby came out, smiled apologetically and led Rosie back into the playroom.

I picked up my purse and phone, slipped on a pair of shoes and followed the paramedics outside.

"I'll drive you," Zack said. "Doc's going to ride with Sam."

I nodded. I hoped she wouldn't wake up in the ambulance. I hoped she'd be calm when she did wake up. I doubted that very much.

I followed Zack to his car and we followed the ambulance to the hospital. Sam wasn't a critical case so they didn't use the lights and sirens. We followed as part of traffic.

Zack pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car. He didn't move. His hands were on the steering wheel.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jenna," he said, his voice thick with tears. "I had no idea. I had no idea she'd gotten so bad."

"We all missed it. It was right in front of us the whole time and none of us saw."

Zack shook his head.

"I love that kid," he said, tears rolling down his face. "How did I miss how hurt she was?"

I didn't answer. Because I hadn't noticed either.

We got out of the car and went into the emergency department. Doc was waiting at the door.

"I already had a room for her, so she's been taken straight up to the psychiatric ward. Let's go up and while they're getting her settled, we can talk."

I nodded and followed him into the hospital. Zack came with. Thankfully. Because I was going to need him. Without Tyler here, I was going to need him.

Doc led us to the elevator and we went upstairs. He led us to a door that was locked with a window beside it. He used a scan card and scanned us in, leading Zack and I to a small conference room behind the nurse's station. We went in and I fell into the closest chair. Zack sat beside me and took my hand.

"So," Doc started. "That went about as I'd expected, knowing Samantha as well as I do. I know that was difficult and painful to watch. I'll lay out the plan for now."

"Will Sam be okay?" I asked.

"She will be. She might be a bit stiff and sore tomorrow from the fight she put up, but I expect the sedation will let her sleep a good portion of the night. I'll be seeing her first thing in the morning to talk with her.

Tomorrow, we'll keep her isolated in her room. I know that sounds cruel, but I expect she's going to be scared and angry when she wakes up. We'll be keeping her restrained until we're sure she isn't going to harm herself or anyone. I will see her at least twice tomorrow. Once in the morning to see how she's settling in and once in the afternoon for a session. I'm going to ask you to do one of the hardest things I've ever asked of a parent. I'm going to ask you not to visit tomorrow."

I nodded. I understood it was for the best for Samantha. And it would be hard. Because I wanted to be beside her right now, and I wasn't.

We talked with Doc for about an hour. He outlined his treatment plan, milestones he wanted Sam to meet before he could consider sending her home. He listened to my fears and concerns and Zack asked a few questions.

Before we left he led us to Samantha's room. She was in a single room with just a bed and a small side table. She'd been changed into hospital pyjamas and looked like she was just asleep. Except she was restrained. Her wrists were encased in soft cuffs and there were white straps across her hips and chest, over the blanket that covered her almost to her shoulders. I brushed back the hair from her face and kissed her forehead. I saw her frown just a little. Zack also gave her a kiss on her forehead and whispered something to her. I didn't ask what.

Doc led us out of the unit and back to the emergency department. He hugged me.

"I know this is hard, Jenna," he said. "But you'll see. It will be for the best. We'll get her back."

"What do we do about what she cut into her arm?"

"We'll deal with that later. She's in crisis right now. We need to get her out of crisis before we worry about that."

I nodded and Zack led me away.

I left my daughter, alone.