Oh Ms Believer

93. Jenna

One day. She barely even managed to make it through one school day without something happening. I shouldn't have allowed her to go to school. I just knew she was not ready. But she's 17, and she needs as much normalcy as possible. I know she wanted some space. Maybe she wanted to feel like she was in control? I don't know. It's rare to get more than two words out of her.

I sat in the back of the ambulance holding Samantha's hand as the paramedics worked on her. Her blood sugar was no longer measurable. She wasn't responding to anything. The paramedics couldn't diagnose her, but they did admit it looked like she was in a diabetic coma.

On the way to the hospital, she started to struggle to breathe. Her body was shutting down. The paramedics worked fast and got her on oxygen but it was becoming obvious she would need to be intubated. I tried to keep my composure but I couldn't help but think Samantha was giving up. She'd been through so much her whole life. Was this the final straw? Was Samantha giving up? Was I going to lose my daughter?

I prayed. The whole way to the hospital, I prayed for God to heal my daughter. To help her cope and heal from the assault. To bring her back to me. To us.

And I cried. Tears kept falling. How I had the ability to make any more tears stymied me. I felt like all I'd done since the assault was cry.

We got to the hospital and Sam was taken to the back, but I was led to a small waiting room off the trauma area. I was alone in the room. Sarah was supposed to be following in my car but I don't know how close she was able to.

I paced. I just kept pacing. My phone vibrated. Tyler. I forgot to call him.

"What's happening? How's Sam?"

"It's not good, Tyler. I think she's giving up. They're going to intubate her. She's having trouble breathing. Her body's shutting down," I cried. "They have her in a trauma room right now. And I have no idea what happened! Why did she run away from school?"

"I don't know," he said. "Brendon's going to keep an ear out for the girls. I'm coming to the hospital. I don't care if Sam doesn't want me. If we lose her, I'm going to be there."

"I can't lose her, Tyler. I can't. It'll destroy me."

He was silent. I knew it would destroy him, too.

"I called Doc," he said quietly.

"I don't know if she'll need him," I sobbed. "Tyler, if Samantha. If we lose her, can we charge that little bastard with murder?"

"I don't know," he said quietly.

He said he was leaving and so I hung up so he could drive.

A doctor came into the room and sat down beside me.

"Mrs. Joseph, is your husband on the way?" He asked. I nodded.

"Okay. Do you want to wait for him or do you want me to tell you what's happening and you can relay it?"

"Is... is Samantha...?"

"Let me wait until your husband arrives so I can talk to both of you," he said. I didn't like the sound of that.

He left the room and Sarah came in a minute later.

"It took way more to convince them I'm your sister than it should have," she said. "Have you heard anything?"

"The doctor was just here but he doesn't want to tell me anything until Tyler gets here. Sarah, I think we're losing her. I think she's giving up."

Sarah grabbed my hand.

"Samantha is not giving up. She's depressed and very obviously upset by what happened. But I refuse to believe that Samantha would give up. With everything she's been through, why would she give up now?"

"Maybe this was the last thing. Maybe this is what it took to break her. How much can one person handle before they just... can't anymore?"

"Not Sam. Not our Sam. Don't you think that way, Jenna. You know our Sam is strong. This might take a lot longer to heal from, but I refuse to give up on her, and I won't let you give up on her, either."

"Maybe it's just time," I said, sobbing. "Maybe she's had enough."

"Don't think like that. Don't you dare give up on our Samantha."

I sobbed. Sarah wrapped me in her arms.

We sat like that until Tyler came flying through the door.

"What have they told you? What's happening?" He asked. I shook my head.

"They haven't told me anything. The doctor wanted to wait for you to get here."

The door opened and the doctor came in.

"Oh. There's an extra adult in here. I'm sorry, I need the room," he said to Sarah.

"She's Samantha's aunt. We want her here," I said.

"Alright then. Why don't you all sit down then," he said. Tyler took my hands and Sarah wrapped her arms around me as the three of us sat down in the uncomfortable chairs.

"As you're likely already aware, Samantha's blood sugar was extremely low. We couldn't get a reading. Because of how low she got, she went into what is commonly called a diabetic coma. Her body was starting to shut down."

He's talking in past tense. Samantha's gone. He just hasn't gotten around to telling us. But he must be leading up to that.

"We've intubated her, given her some glucagon and we'll keep working to bring her levels up. But I want to prepare you for the possibility that we may lose her."

I broke down into tears. Tyler's arms tightened around me as he sobbed into my shoulder and me into his.

Sarah held both of us as the three of us cried.

We were losing her. We were losing our daughter. We'd fought so hard for her, and she'd fought so hard both for herself and for us.

She couldn't give up. I wouldn't let her. She has so much left to do and to give. God can't call her home yet. We need her here.

I took a deep breath and looked the doctor in the eye.

"Do what you can to bring our daughter back. We're ready for the worst. Because you're going to do your best."

Tyler hugged me. The doctor smiled.

"If your daughter is anywhere near as stubborn as her mom, she's going to fight hard."

"Damned straight she is. She'd fought too damned hard to get where she is. She can't give up now."

The doctor told us more about what they were currently doing, and where they'd be transferring Sam from the ER.  Unsurprisingly, the ICU.

I started making a list of things to get from the house.

They let us sit with her until the porters came to bring her upstairs. Her body was slack. A machine breathed for her. Her skin was cool. Her eyes were closed.

But, she was still alive. In a coma, yes. Traumatized, sadly, yes. But she was alive. And for all we knew, she could hear us. I sent a text to everyone I could think of who might come to visit Samantha.

'If you want to visit Samantha, we are more than happy to have you. There is one very important rule that is non-negotiable. Positive only. We are focussing only on positive things. We want to bring Sam back to good memories. There will be no discussion of anything from her past that is not positive. No discussing news that is upsetting. We can read the news. Sam needs to not hear about it right now.

I know it sounds a little crazy, but we don't know how much she can hear or feel and we want her to heal as quickly as possible. So we want to maintain an air of positivity.

We know people experience bad moods. We don't want to discourage you from visiting if you can keep the negative energy out. If not, please wait until you are in a better frame of mind. It's okay. We get it. Life doesn't stop.

We love you all so much. Thank you for your support. I know it's kinda weird. Bear with us. 

T&J'