The Only Living Boy in New York

SIXTEEN

Van
Ten Months Earlier

The room was too cold. Especially now, when the weight of a late summer was pressing heavily into everyone. I shuddered against the air in the small office, but I couldn't decide if it was the temperature making me shake, or the knowing of what was coming next.

Benji sat beside me, stoic and fully absorbed in his phone. He hadn't done well with any of this. After Bob's announcement at the Reading show, Benji hadn't said much at all, keeping to himself and closing himself off. I think he thought I was next, or that I was going to lose it. I think he feared the end so much he wanted nothing to do with anyone. He wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.

The truth was, the band ended eons ago. After quarantine, we tried really hard to get back in the studio, but Johnny Bond was different. You couldn't reach him and he was quickly becoming someone I didn't recognize anymore. By the time he showed up to our first practice, he'd given up drinking and started writing lyrics himself. I was the opposite. I'd only ever known music, so to not be able to play it for so long, tore me apart. I was more reckless than I'd been in the months leading up to quarantine. I was already scraping the rocks at the bottom before everything fell apart, but now it was intensified. There wasn't a drink I wouldn't finish and a drug I wouldn't take to numb me. Bondy and I already had issues before the pandemic over my attitude and vices, but now it was worse. One hundred times worse. We weren't speaking, we fought when we did speak, and nothing ever got accomplished. It was one big storm that kept spinning like a hurricane. Never getting better, only getting worse.

And now we were going to dissolve it all. One last meeting to ensure that everything was squared away and one last moment to try to get them to change their minds, although I knew it would never happen. The door creaked open as Bob walked in, a small smile spreading across his face as he sat across from us at the table.

"Hey guys." He mumbled as he sat down.

I half smiled and Benji returned the greeting sheepishly.

It wasn't Bob that I was worried about. Bob maintained the same rapport with me he always had. He was quiet around the edges and straightforward with what he wanted for the most part. I knew I could probably talk him into staying, I knew I could still change his mind if I tried hard enough.

"Can't believe we're sitting here having this meeting right now." I choked out the words as I rubbed the bridge of my nose. I caught Benji and Bob share a glance with each other, but I couldn't tell if it was a glance of concern or if it was laced in something else.

"I really thought it'd be forever with us. Is that dumb?" My voice sounded hopeful.

Benji reached for the water on the table and a glass. "It's not dumb." He spoke softly as he poured the water into the glass and slid it across the table to me. "Drink up, man." He patted my back softly.

I ignored the water in front of me as I looked at Bob. He seemed older, wiser and a bit less stressed. "I'm going to miss it." I said softly, but I meant it.

He looked down at the table and his shoulders rose and fell as he took a deep breath. "It's never something I won't miss, Van. It's not going to be easy waking up for the next five years knowing it's over. I don't think it'll get easier after that either. But it's time."

"Is it though?" I felt the pleading tone in my voice, heard it hanging onto every vowel.

Bob looked at me and folded his hands. "I'm sorry, Van. I really am. I know how much all of this means to you. You gave everything for this band and now two of us are walking away. This isn't the first time you've been through it and I know you'll carry on and you'll be fine, but my road ends here. It's....it's too much now with starting a family. I want to focus on that. I don't want to make music anymore."