Song: River Flows In You - Yiruma
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I need him. I n-need him. I need him.
Hearing those three words make my insides crumble knowing that Rosalie really needs me. However, the image of her hours earlier is what clouds my thoughts and I shake my head. She is slowly breaking and I can't help but blame myself for putting her in this position. I should've stayed away from her like I said I would, but it was never that simple.
Staying away from her was a challenge from the very beginning. What it makes it worse is that I haven't known her for long ... And I was drawn to her. Like a moth going toward a shining light. I couldn't go a day without thinking of, or seeing, her and I still can't. And it's because of me that she has changed, and I couldn't stay away from the light.
And even though I know this is all my fault, I find myself thinking of ways I can comfort her. But what can I possibly say to her? It seems everything I say is not something that she wants to hear. Nothing I say can make her feel better. She doesn't remember that it was me who she said she needed. I will be there for her, but things are going to have to change. I stare blankly in front of me as I slowly walk downstairs and I shake my head. That's easier said than done.
There are so many things wrong with our situation. There is no right time for anything. I know there is nothing I can do and it hurts, but that's the way things have to be. And I'm only realizing that now. Just because Rosalie said she needs me doesn't mean she will always need me. As soon as all of this is over, we are going to part ways because that is what Rosalie will want. It'll be all for her happiness in the end, and that's all that matters. All of this is too much for her, so why should she stay with me?
I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. My chest feels heavy and I realize it's from knowing that I won't be with her. If I don't leave her, she will continue to breakdown. I'm not good for her and she knows it too. Everything between us is not healthy, but these feelings ... They can't be ignored.
And who is to say that Rosalie and I would've met each other under different circumstances if we weren't in the position we are currently in now? If I never got involved in this life, I wouldn't have came to America. I would still be the fuck up and disgrace of a son if I didn't leave. And Rosalie would not be in my life.
Coming to America was the best decision I ever made just for that sole reason. Her. Everything is wrong between us, but everything feels right when we're together. When I look at her, it's like everything around us blurs and I only focus on her. Everyone and everything is background music while she becomes the melody that sends chills up my spine, takes up all my thoughts, and is my addiction. My muse.
Thomas was right - she is my weakness and I can't imagine what he and his father would do to her, especially knowing what she means to me. I don't exactly know what I would do, but I know I would kill them if they laid a finger on her.
I realize I stopped walking down the stairs when I open my eyes and see I have one more step to go and I place my feet lightly on the ground floor. I make my way over to the couches and launch my body onto the cushions with a big sigh. I put both my hands behind my head and just lay across the couch.
I think I have gone through enough bad times to say that I deserve to be happy for once in my life. I deserve to be happy with Rosalie, but how can I be happy if she isn't because of me? She doesn't deserve me; she deserves someone better, someone who isn't the reason behind those tears and breakdowns. I can't give her the life every woman wants: a steady future and relationship. The relationship we would have would be the equivalent to that of a time bomb - we'd unexpectedly explode at any given moment and who knows if we'd be able to pick up the pieces in the end.
It shouldn't be this hard to make a decision: Leave her alone. Tell her how you feel. Leave her alone. Tell her how you feel ... I can always leave her alone and just tell myself how I really feel about her - like I have been doing everyday since I carried her up to my room in the frat house the night I saved her from Rooney ...
I love Rosalie Evans.
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Author's Note:
It's good to be back ;)
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