deep blue eyes // Antoine Griezmann

Chapter 28 - Forgiven

So, I actually did see Elizabeth at the dance. But that was when Antoine was holding me, telling me how beautiful I am, inside and out, and how he loves my personality. He said I was patient, gracious, observant, ambitious, curious, smart, selfless, sweet, compassionate, and humble, and how much he liked those traits about me. This make me slightly nervous, because if you ask me, I don't know if I think any of those traits describe me well, and I'd hate to disappoint my new boyfriend.

Well, maybe observant was right. Because I definitely observed Elizabeth, sitting by herself, in a corner of the gym. Her hair was a little messy, and so was her beautiful red dress. In fact, overall, she just looked like a mess in general. Our eyes met, I think, but I made a point to look away as quick as possible, back to Antoine's beautiful blue eyes.

Maybe that compassionate thing was also right, because I sure did feel compassion for her in that moment. But I think he kind of missed the mark when he called me sweet and selfless, because ignoring her like that, after I said I'd hang out with her, was not sweet or selfless in any way whatsoever. I know I could have explained it to Antoine, and he would have totally understood, and I would've gone over to Elizabeth, and had a fun time. And honestly, I really regret not doing that, in hindsight. But in the moment, I didn't even think of that. I was enjoying Antoine too much. So I put him over my friend.

So that was really selfish of me, and in no way selfless. And it was overall just a really jerky thing to do to her. Not sweet at all. 

When I got home, I felt it'd be obnoxious to just call her and be like 'hey, sorry I couldn't hang out. I was just hanging out with the hottest guy in the school, and now I'm with him. Anyway, you're single still, right?'

So now it's Wednesday morning, the day after the dance, and I have one goal for today- make it up to Elizabeth, somehow, despite my naturally jerky ways.

I really am a sucky person. Ask literally anyone. My mom. She'd say I suck, no doubt about it. So would my dad, and despite how much me and my brother love each other, he'd say I'm a stupid, rude, idiot, too. Rachel or Tori would tell you all about it, I'm sure, and so would Elizabeth, no doubt.

Just don't ask Antoine Griezmann, I guess. He thinks I'm perfection. I love that, but it also scares me, because I'm not, and I can't live up to his expectation of me, if that's what it is. I mean, he sure acted like it last night.

All morning, all I can think about is my guilty conscience of what I did to Elizabeth. I'm sure she won't forgive me... but I guess that doesn't mean I shouldn't say sorry, right? I decide that at lunchtime, I'll find her, and I'll talk to her about it. That'll be much easier than a phone call. Or at least I think so. I think about what I'm going to say to her over and over again in my head, but I just can't come up with anything good.

In gym class, which is right before lunch, I think I've finally got a plan for what I'm going to say to her, and I stare at the clock all of class, anxious to make everything up to her.

At lunch, I search the room for her pale skin and beautiful blond locks. I find her sitting quietly up against the back wall, not even sitting at a table. She's poking at her food, as if it's ten days old and stale. And for the first time in months, I don't go over to the table with the football guys, despite the fact that I just got with the best one of them, and I walk over to her, silently sitting down on the floor next to her.

Her gentle eyes look up, and our eyes meet.

Great. All the planned out words I had for her completely vanish out of my head. Now what? So I blurt with no more thought, "Eliza, I'm so sorry."

And she simply responds with, "What are you sorry for?"

I stare at her, surprised. "What do you mean? I'm sorry for everything."

"What is everything?" she asks. And I get what she's doing now. She wants to see if I'm really earnest about this apology, or if these are just words thrown out to keep someone from hating me.

I love Elizabeth. She's so smart. So much smarter than me. But I guess it's not too hard to be much smarter than me, so that's not a good comparison.

"Well, first, I'm sorry for dropping our friendship for ones with the boys. That wasn't fair of me. And last night, I'm sorry for promising something, and then leaving you by yourself like that. I was so in the moment, I didn't realise what I was doing, but I was just overall being a huge jerk. Like, just an idiot. I'm sure you saw that I got with Antoine last night, but that was no excuse to ditch you like that. I know how it's felt to be lonely like that," And then the words just start flowing out of my mouth. Words that I haven't even realized I've ever thought, but important words, that I mean. "For a while, when Rachel was dating Antoine, I was all alone. I know how it feels, so I should have done better. Neymar found me, and he let me into their group. I should have done the same thing for you. I should have let you in. I saw you sitting by yourself, but I was having too much fun with  me and my friends, that I forgot all about you, a friend I've had much longer. You know, I'm so happy I'm with Antoine, but I've done a lot of stupid things, just because I've been chasing him. You know, I've given up friendships, hurt feelings, thrown punches, cried countless times, lost sleep... Broken someone's heart, even... And the law, for that matter. Ditched you. Ignored phone calls, let my grades go... I haven't been good, Elizabeth, at all. I've failed so much. And I'd never, ever change the outcome, of me being with Antoine, but I was stupid. Just stupid. I could have gone this far without doing all the stupid, idiotic, jerky, things I did. So, to you, and to myself, and to some other people, too... Well, I'm just sorry." I don't even realize until now that my eyes are watering. And this time I know exactly why. "I feel so guilty, and after all I've done, I don't know why he likes me. I don't deserve the outcome of it all..."

Suddenly, Elizabeth's arms are around me, and we sit there like that for a while, and I can't help from crying, because it has hit me.

I've done so much, pushed so many other people and things out of the race, just to get what I wanted. And I've succeeded, but by the completely wrong means.

And the guilt just hits me right now.

I'm done so many distorted, dishonest, rude, cheeky, harsh, nasty things to myself and others, and I've still gotten this far, even though I should not have.

And now I want to do better.

And Elizabeth finally says softly into my ear, just to me, just from her, "Sage, I forgive you."