Starting Over

Depression is Real

After Trevor left I went straight to my room, ignoring my parents when they asked if I was okay. I gave myself a headache as I held back tears afraid that if I were to start them that they would never stop. 

Delany crept into room, "Is everything okay?"

"No," I said, and the tears began to flow. This was worse than when Darrien and I broke up. Although I was a mess I could tell it was mostly my hormones. This time, it felt like every tear came from my heart.

Delany sat next to me on the bed. "What happened Cassidy?"

"I told him," I sobbed.

"Told him wh-. Oh." She took a breath before continuing. "Well, what did you expect to happen Cassidy?"

"Excuse me!?"

"Cassidy, you're pregnant with another man's child, and you knew this when you met him. I'm only 14, but I know you couldn't have expected him to react much differently. Think about how you're feeling, amplify that about 20 times, and that's probably how Trevor's feeling right now."

I opened my mouth to argue with her but I knew she was right. I just laid down and silently cried until I fell asleep.

The next day I woke up bright and early. Well, not that bright. I still felt like shit - mostly guilty - from what happened the day before. As I got ready to head out for the day, every time I saw myself in the mirror I wanted to cry. I just felt like such a horrible person and so selfish for even hoping that Trevor would be okay with my situation. 

As I got in the car, I turned on some jazz to keep me from overthinking and changing my mind about what I was getting ready to do.

"Good afternoon, Alexis. How are you," Mrs. Washington greeted as she opened the front door. As I had hoped, Trevor hadn't told his parents about me being pregnant. 

"Hello, Mrs. Washington. Is Trevor here?"

"I told you to call me Susan, sweetie," Mrs. Washington smiled. "He's in his room. Do you need me to show you?"

"No ma'am I remember where it is." She smiled one last time before heading to the living room. 

I crept up the stairs, wanting to run away with every step forward. 

"Go away," Trevor yelled as I knocked on the door. Even though that hurt, I opened the door and peeked in anyway. "Oh Cassidy." He smiled for a second, as if he forgot what happened yesterday, then the smile quickly faded and he looked down at the book he was reading.

"Art of War? I always wanted to sit down and read that."

"You should go buy one then." I got the hint that he wanted me to leave. I had gotten this far so I had to talk to him before he kicked me out. I stepped in his room and shut the door behind me. 

"Look, Trevor, I really want to talk to you about yesterday."

"Cassidy, is there really anything to say?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what, exactly?"

"I-"

"For leading me on? For lying to me? For allowing me to fall in love with you when you had this HUGE secret? For being pregnant?"

"Trevor I know you're upset but I will never  be sorry for being pregnant. The last person to blame is this little one growing inside me right now, and if you think I should apologize for that then maybe it really was a mistake coming here." Trevor looked down.

"I didn't mean it like that Cassidy."

"I know. Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why I came all the way over here when it was perfectly clear yesterday that you don't want to talk to me anymore." He didn't respond, so I kept talking. "I'm sorry for lying to you Trevor. I knew before we met that I was pregnant with Darrien's baby but I didn't tell you. I was selfish. My dad had just left me and I felt so rejected. I didn't want to feel that rejection again. I really am sorry."

"Okay.... What do you want me to say?"

"I... I'm not really sure what I expected you to say. But I didn't just come here to tell you I'm sorry."

"Then why are you here?"

"I wanted to know if it was even remotely possible that we can be friends? We never officially took things to the next level, but we both know how we think- I mean, thought - of each other. I just want to scratch all of that. It's insane for me to think that you would be okay with the position that you would be in if you decided to actually marry me. But getting to know you lately, I know you're an amazing person and it'd be hard to go through this without a friend like you."

"Cassidy, I still don't think I have a choice about our arrangement."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Well. Can we still be friends? Please?"

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It's been how long??? Lmao honestly it's embarrassing. Thank you to all who still read Starting Over and who encouraged me to continue writing (even after all this time). I hope you enjoy this chapter.

:)