Starting Over

Blinding Lights

Once I got to school, Kristen was waiting at the front doors for me.

"Hey, Cassidy," Kristen greeted.

"Hey, Kristen.  Where's Matt?"

"He's sick," she answered, fake pouting.  Then she smiled, "Now I get to spend all of my time with you today."  I gave her a fake eye roll, and we laughed on our way to homeroom.

"How are you holding up?" Kristen asked.  She called multiple times yesterday and either I was sleeping or crying too loud to hear it until it was too late.

As I was thinking of how to answer her question, and if should tell her about Trevor's visit, Darrien walked into the room.  Right beside him stood the one and only, Megan.

"Oh my gawd," Kristen whispered, shocked.  And she wasn't the only one.  Almost everyone in homeroom started surprisingly at the pair in the doorway.  Megan blushed and asked, "What," giggling slightly.  No one answered, leaving the room so quiet if a pin dropped it would be loud.

Finally, someone coughed, "douche," and everyone resumed talking, although probably not of what they were speaking of before.

"Cassidy," Kristen asked, after noticing that my eyes were still glued on the doorway even though the new couple was already at their seats.

"I'm alright,"  I answered in a very shaky and completely unbelievable voice.

"No, you're not.  Come on," she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me towards the door.  Mrs. Seaton, our homeroom teacher, had obviously been clued in on the latest news and gave us permission to go with a slight nod.

I thought we were headed to the pool, my safe haven, but instead we made a right turn instead of the usual left.

"Why are we going to the library?" I asked her.

"I come here with Matt all the time," she answered, matter-of-factly.

"You don't even like books," I told her.  Unlike me, who is always reading, Kristen hates to read.  The only time she will pick up a book is if it is required reading, and even then she complains like it will be the last thing she will ever do.

"Matt does," she assured me, "plus no one is ever in here, and this place is huge so no one can see-"

"Okay, that's enough," I said, smiling.

"This isn't about me anyway, Cassidy," she said, sitting at a table in the science section.

I sat down too, "I know."

"I know you aren't 'fine', so just let it out,"

"Let what out?" I asked.  When she didn't respond I just continued to talk. "I honestly don't know where to start.  It's more than about yesterday.  I have been mentally prepared to break things off with Darrien long before I found out he was cheating on me.  After we did... one night, I realized that it wasn't the same between us.  He would get mad at me very easily and I would have to start choosing my words with him.  I didn't feel comfortable around him like I used to, and I knew that our time together was coming to an end.  But then he came along...."

"You knew the gender and didn't tell me," Kristen shrieked.

"No," I assured her, "I'm just assuming."

"Does he really change anything though?"

"Yes, Kristen.  He changes everything.  When I planned on breaking up with Darrien a month ago, I started to pull myself away.  I started to do more things by myself and live more independently, but that only lasted for a few weeks, because next thing I know, here he comes.  What I wanted, a clean sever between Darrien and I, had just become a lot messier than I planned.  

"I want him to know his 'father' and not just his 'dad'." I told her.  As I let it out, I knew how right she was.  Now that I got that off of my chest, I could go on for days, but I wouldn't.  "The only reason I'm torn up about this is because I think Darrien isn't going to want to be a part of his child's life anymore, and that's not fair to the little boy."

"He'll still have a dad," Kristen said, trying, like always, to shine a bright light into the dark hallway.  But instead, she did the opposite.  It was like she turned on the lights, but instead of it just being bright, the light shined on all of the bad things that filled the hallway.  Because just then, I thought of Trevor, who, inevitably, is going to be a dad sooner than he thinks.

Against the promise I made to myself to never cry in public, especially school, I bawled my eyes out.

-- - -- --------------------

The school day was a bust.  I had to excuse myself from every class, and I didn't even bother to go to history and face Trevor.  Instead, every time I left class, or skipped it, I went into the library, which was always sparsely populated and was so big that even if the whole school was in here I'd have a small space to myself.

I don't know why I didn't tell Kristen why I was really crying.  I'm sure she just assumed it was about what I was telling her earlier.  Even though she is my best friend, and we tell each other everything, I couldn't tell her about this.  She'll jsut try to straighten everything out and make me not feel as guilty and I couldn't let her do that.  I deserve every ounce of guilt that I have, maybe even more.

Rushing to my car when the final bell rang, I thought I escaped facing the three people on my I don't want to face them list - Darrien, Megan, and Trevor - but I knew my luck was just too good to be true.

"Hey, Cass."

I had just closed the door to my mom's 2010 Cadillac, so I let the window down.

"Hey, Trevor," I said, the fake smile burning my entire face.  My face wasn't used to smiling, it has been a fairly long time, or just a long day.

"You're not okay, are you," he asked, immediately sensing my mood.

"No, now if you would just move I will be on my way...."  I didn't want to sound mean, and I'm not sure I could have anyway with the sadness in my voice almost tangible.

"Come on, Cassidy," Trevor persisted, refusing to let me leave because his head was still in my window. "You can tell me what's wrong."

"I am."  And that's when that bastard of a tear finally slipped out of my eye.  I quickly wiped it off, hoping Trevor didn't catch it, but of course he did.  He put his hand on my shoulder.  It shocked me and I pulled away with a gasp.  Trevor quickly pulled his hand away - and leaned back a little, as if I was a time bomb - but he was still in the window.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Cassidy."  I tried to think back to a point where he used my full name and I couldn't think of one.  I didn't flatter myself, though.  That's why I'm in the position I'm in now.

"You barely know me.  If you knew me you would know that I'm The Issue."

"If I knew you, then I'd have more reasons to tell you why you're not." He placed his hand on my shoulder again, and this time I didn't pull away.  It was like his hand was supposed to be there.  He knew it, I knew it, and my shoulder knew it.

"I really have to get home," I told him.

"Are you going to be okay by yourself?  Do you want me to come with you?"  I know he wishes that I will tell him yes but then I'll just feel more guilty later on.  I didn't deserve his comfort, even though I'm sure he could write "Comforting Cassidy" on his community and service log now.

"Delaney will be there.  Thanks though," I told him.  I reached for the window button to close it, and Trevor noticed.  Getting the hint, he backed away from my window, and I drove away.

Hey!

First, I would like to thank everyone for reading.  I know it's not a lot or anything... but I still really appreciate it. 

Cassidy's pretty depressed right now but I promise it won't be for long (:

Also, this chapter was pretty short so I'll try and update next week ;)

Please Share, Vote, and Comment (:

xoxo

Alexis