Staying Grand (The Fault In Our Stars/Doctor Who)

Chapter Twenty

Hey guys. So the funeral isn't very long, but I'm not very good at writing them and it's quite difficult for me. Anyway, here's to farewells of fictional characters.

Tj <3

/Flashback/

"I'm sorry, Augustus. I can't bring her back, you know that. Deaths are fixed points in time. She can't be brought back," The Doctor sighed.

"You brought me back," I growled. "You brought your Rose back, why can't you bring Hazel Grace back?"

"You never died in the first place, Augusuts. And neither did Rose. I even don't know how she got back. I'm sorry, but I can't bring Hazel back. She's gone, Augustus."

/End Flashback/

The scene replayed in my head over and over again: Hazel's hand slipping away from Esther's face, her eyes drooping shut, her smile staying.

When Hazel ceased to exist, her smile remained.

Now that smile was nailed inside a box where no one could see it ever again. I sobbed like a baby as they slowly closed her caskett, preparing it to be buried.

I was burying my wife. The mother of my child. The thought plagued my mind and wouldn't leave me alone. I was burying Hazel a week after our beautiful baby was brought into the world.

Soon enough, it was my turn to make the first speech. I passed Esther to Isaac's new girlfriend Jenny with a sad smile, and made my way to the front of the crowd gathered around Hazel's grave site. Was this how Hazel felt at my funeral? How could I have possibly put her through such pain?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I opened my mouth to speak.

"Thank you to everyone here for coming today," I struggled out. My voice was hoarse from crying, but so was everybody else's. "It means a lot to me that you all came. I'm sure it would mean a lot to Hazel as well. Hazel Grace Lancaster came strolling into my life, oxygen tank in hand, and ever since then my life has been better. Before I 'died'," I chuckled sadly, everyone now knew that I wasn't dead. "I wrote a eulogy for Hazel in case she passed before I could return. I would like to read it now, unaltered from when I originally wrote it. It was originally a letter to Van Houten, which is why that asshat is mentioned here," I smiled softly before I began to read.

"Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. I want to leave a mark. But Van Houten: The marks humans leave are too often scars.  (Okay maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.)  Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we are not likely to do either. People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten it's triumphant. It's heroic.  After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I walked in behind the nurse and got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. I just held her hand and tried to imagine a world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar. What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her. You don't get to choose the ones you hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers. Okay, Hazel Grace?" I whispered the last line as I felt a few tears slip down my face. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and chewed on it to prevent myself from sobbing wretchedly. "Hazel was taken too soon, but her legacy will live on through our beautiful daughter, Esther Hazel Grace Waters."

At that, I nodded to the minister and stepped down from in front of the crowd. I walked back to Isaac who pulled me into a tight hug as I let the sobs fight their way through my teeth.

"Gus?" came a soft voice. I looked over to Jenny who was smiling sadly, still holding Esther. "Do you want her back?"

I nodded and took my daughter back, holding her close to my chest. A few tears rolled off my cheeks onto the top of her tiny head, but she didn't seem to mind. She looked so much like Hazel, it was painful. I loved my daughter to pieces, but she reminded me of Hazel so much.

~~~

More people had spoken, but I wasn't paying attention. I just stared at the large pile of flowers sitting on Hazel's caskett. Soon enough, Hazel was lowered six feet under the ground. I threw a handful of soil on top of the sleek, white box, the black dirt contrasting vividly. After a few more minutes, Hazel had been buried.

Slowly, everyone left the graveyard but me, Isaac and Jenny.

"Can you guys please take Esther home? I'd like to stay here for a while by myself, please," I mumbled with a broken voice.

"Sure, honey," Jenny smiled sympathetically. "Let us know when you're on your way home."

They both hugged me before leaving with Esther.

I just stood there, staring at the headstone. My chest hurt as though someone was trying to ram the stone through me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "For everything I've done... For everything I'll do. I just want to be close to you, Hazel. This... This is just the only way I can see how. To feel the pain you felt. I'm so sorry, Hazel Grace. I promise I'll look after Esther, and when I can't anymore, she'll stay with Isaac and Jenny. They'll take good care of her. I promise."

I stood up from where I was now kneeling on the ground and with shaky hands I performed the most life changing action I had ever made.

For the first time, I lit the cigarette.