I hate you, don't I? - Stucky

Realisation for two

Later that day, everyone had gone to the pub to celebrate a successful first mission but Steve really did not want to go. It had been such an awkward silence in the jet on the way back that he nearly missed the anger fuelled silence they'd gotten themselves used to.

He then somehow dragged himself through the next hour of putting equipment away and showering whilst completely absorbing himself in his own head. He kept asking himself what happened, and even though it was him that started it, he was still in shock.

Does that mean Bucky doesn't hate him anymore? Does that mean Steve doesn't hate Bucky anymore? Why does it have to be so frustrating?! He has no idea. He cant answer any of his questions because he doesn't know what happened. But he sort of wants to do it again.... NO! He can't. He hates Bucky Barnes.

"Issue, Rogers?" Nat snaps him out of his trance.

Honestly, he doesn't remember getting dressed or walking down and sitting in the booth opposite Nat. He's been trying so hard to make sense of any of it. But it isn't working. He doesn't even know how he feels. Embarrassed? Kind of, but clearly not so embarrassed if he doesn't completely regret it. But he should. It's Bucky.

"No issue", he replied in a monotone voice.

Everything seems very hazy and his limbs feel heavy. He feels like he's drank more than three sips of beer, but its just in his head.

"Should be happy, we're celebrating our first successful mission as shield agents!" She says happily, and it actually gets a small smile from him.

They've been so excited for this since they started and would often talk about all the different places they'd like to be stationed. Like would they want to be Captain of the team, or a contingency sniper? It got them through the first gruelling weeks just thinking about it. And Nat was just as excited, but Steve was busy thinking of other things.

"Although", she started to say, "you probably aren't that excited because you had to sit in surveillance with Barnes".

At his name, Steve suddenly found himself peering over to the rambunctious group in the corner and making eye contact with the man. They stared at each other for a few moments like they usually do. But it was different. Instead of his eyebrows furrowing and his eyes piercing though him, they were softer. Eyebrows still drawn together, but Steve wouldn't help but think he looked confused instead of angry.

His face must be showing a similar expression as Nat pretended not to notice and he turned back to him drink with Bucky's face still etched into his brain.

"How was it by the way, I never asked?" She looked up at him.

He just shrugged. He went completely blank and had no idea what to say. He couldn't bring himself to tell her just yet. It was still all so new and Nat might be able to help, along with many 'I told you so's'. But what was the likelihood anything would come from this other than more anger? And he hoped Bucky wouldn't tell anyone, he use didn't want to risk it getting out. He would be mortified. He doesn't normally act like that.

"It was just really boring", he sighed.

"I bet".

Time must go by quicker when you're re-evaluating your entire existence, as Steve didn't end up walking home alone. He stayed for a few drinks, not talking much and occasionally chipping in on Sam and Nat's conversation before they all decided to go home.

He tried to ignore their conversation on how fun the mission had been when Sam slapped a hand on his shoulder.

"I suppose you didn't get to see much. You will next time, Maria loves you so much no matter what you do she wont bench you again".

Steve gave an awkward smile and hoped it was answer enough for the slightly tipsy Sam.

"It must have been real boring, Bucks been quieter than normal this evening!" He chuckled as he said goodbye and went to the lifts, letting the other two walk up the stairs.

Steve just wanted to be alone so he didn't have to pretend to be fine anymore. Not that he was doing a great job of it. But he found himself dragging his feet and walking slower in Nat's company. He wanted to sort his head out, but he might have been weary to be by himself incase the thoughts overrun him.

"Tomorrow, me and you", Nat said.

"Tomorrow?"

"Yep. Tomorrow me and you are going to do something fun, away from here. You need a break".

He started to protest but she held her hand up and shook her head.

"I won't hear it. You need a break and I'm taking you somewhere. Be ready at ten am sharp!" She shouted as she walked down the hall to her room.

It actually made Steve feel better. In the morning he could have a long workout, which was needed after the two days of cramped space, and then he was going out with Nat. He just needed to occupy his mind for the next few hours until he could fall asleep.

With his hand hovering over a shield textbook, he thought back to what Nat had said. So instead of studying, he put some pyjamas on and grabbed his laptop. He would watch a film.

Garfield the cat filled his screen and made him smile despite the chaos. He was a kid when the film came out and it was nice reminding of a time before he got so stressed out about everything.

The main thing he kept thinking about though, was the fact he should have asked Bucky before he kissed him. But then he probably would have said no? Oh god, which is exactly why he shouldn't have done it. Did he sexually assault Bucky? Was he over thinking it now? Either way, he really needed to apologise as soon as he got over himself. It was disrespectful even if Bucky did kiss him back.

And then his mind got hung up on that. He did kiss him back. He desperately wanted to know what Bucky thought about him, but he should probably figure out how he feels about Bucky first. But it was hard when his brain just kept telling him the other man hated him, so he should hate Bucky back.
But his lips kept tingling. And that perfect brown hair, always so neat, got all messy under his fingers.

Woah, he thought to himself, enough of that, just watch the cat eat its lasagne.

But he sighed.

"Dammit", he hissed.

Was he really catching feelings for Bucky Barnes?