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alexithymia - the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions

tw. suicidal topics


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his blood was smeared across his mouth as he wiped it off of his face."what the hell did i do this time?"

the guys across from him let out a laugh. "how do you feel about that? should we stop? can you even tell, you freak.."

the blood stricken teenager stood up and looked one of the guys in his eyes. "i can still feel that dumbass. if you're gonna beat me up, at least have a valid reason."

he grabbed the boy by his shirt's collar as his friends started to get closer to the bloody one. "what the hell did you just say to me you freak? you'll be fucking lucky if you make it out of here alive. why do you even deserve to live?"

and as that last sentence slipped out of the aggressive one's mouth, as if it was on queue, they all started to attack the other.

the fight only lasted around three minutes before one of the several boys heard police sirens and fled the scene. with nothing to get out of it, the bloody boy just got up and walked away. did it hurt? hell yeah. he was bleeding from at least 45% of his body with bruises in the other 55. just from some highschool wimps. even though he didn't necessarily mind what anyone said anymore, he took that guy's words into a little more consideration. why did he deserve to live? he couldn't exactly describe what he was feeling, but he was used to that. when he thought of no good reason he started walking up the mountain where just months prior he stood upon. wishing for the same thing. unfortunately for him, there was always someone holding him back. this time though, nothing was gonna stop him. he could finally be done with this undeserving life. maybe he could finally be normal.

when he reached the part where he stood last time it was practically midnight. the only light was from the moon, stars, and the streetlamps along the side of the stairs. he couldn't see anyone of view so he took a step closer to the rail. he looked down into the dark nothingness. somehow it made him feel a little at ease. as soon as he brought his leg to get to the other side of the rail, someone approached him. it was a boy. he looked to be around his age, dark brown hair, and a sun necklace on. shit not again. he quickly turned back around to look back at where he was supposed to be falling from now.

"um excuse me- what are you doing? you aren't supposed to go beyond the rails, it's dangerous." the boy said as the one covered in dried blood put his leg back to the "safe" side.

"what does it look like. i'm already not having a great day, please don't make it worse."

"oh- i am sorry. but please don't."

the bloody one turned to reveal his beaten face to the other. "you don't even know me. i'm sure your life will go on just fine if you act like you never saw me. please take your concern somewhere else."

"i wouldn't be able to live with that guilt, i'm afraid. i have all night, please tell me about yourself. "

"hmm, i would rather not, but since you asked ever so kindly. my name is lee minho. my mom calls me lino for short. i m pretty sure i feel as if i don't have a purpose. it seems as if everyone agrees with me. i have learned to ignore it, though. i just can't tell what i feel or want. i don't know if i'm doing the right thing every second of my life. what about you?"

"oh, i am sorry to hear that minho. my name is han jisung. my mom just calls me jisung though. and i don't agree with you."

"what?"

"well, take the moon for example. it can't communicate or even feel for that matter. even though it can't, it still has a purpose right? it takes the sun's sunlight and shines so bright that we are able to see in the dark. some people may not think the moon has a purpose, but it helps so many people. without the moon, so many things are impossible. everything is needed on this planet, minho, including you."

both of them were leaning against the rail looking up at the shining moon. it was weird because this is the first time in a while the moon was fully visible shining so clearly.

"jisung, can i ask you something?

"sure, ask away."

"why do you like outer space so much? i mean, it was honestly just a guess based on your necklace and moon facts."

"hmm, well your guess was correct. and i guess it's just cause i know it's never gonna leave. i don't like change. when i look up i know there is our moon, the sun, planets, and trillions of stars. i like the moon the most though. cause even during a new moon when it isn't visible, i know it's still there. it hasn't left me."

for a while they both just looked up, admiring the moon and stars. it had been a while since minho had actually been at peace. deep down he wasn't a bad guy, he had done nothing wrong. what did everyone else see? it was difficult, but enjoying this moment with a boy he had met literally twenty minutes ago was easy. he smiled a little bit while looking at the moon.

"jisung?"

"yes, minho?"

"thank you for being my sun."


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thank you all for reading <3 i am going to try and update every week. i have school, unfortunately, but i will do my best! i hope you all enjoyed. keep shining everyone :)

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