Quiet Mornings And Loud Nights(Ghost Simon Riley)

34-Letter

(Soap POV for context :))(pre-Aspen and Simon leaving)

When I saw the truck leave, I knew it was my chance. I stumbled to Simon's room and opened the door slowly. For a secretive person he sucked at remembering to lock doors, especially his own. I shut the door behind me and looked for a good spot to put my letter. Maybe on his pillow or bed, or somewhere less visible. I wanted him to see it but maybe not somewhere like his bed. The best spot would be on his bedside table which I noticed was covered in beer cans and bottles. He wasn't lying when he said he was horrible to himself which I refused to believe. Simon stopped excessively drinking and smoking a while ago, because of me. I convinced him to stop which at the time made me feel special. Like we had something special. 

"Here goes nothin'." I mumbled setting my paper on his table. I removed the old cans and bottles, throwing them into his little recycle under his desk. Not only that but I threw out anything that seemed like it was bad for him. Realizing my actions I stopped and decided it'd be best to leave. He was my friend but he wasn't mine. Aspen would take care of him, like always. It wasn't my job anymore. I sighed and left the room in silence, staring at the ground. I put a lot into that letter and leaving it to him made me regretful. Maybe I should have said nothing at all; but he would never know how I felt. In the end he will be happier with Aspen and not me. I gave him everything I had but he found someone else. And that's fine. I just need to move on. 

I laid in my bed and imagined the cold nights Simon and I spent together. Some missions we slept on the floor, others we slept in tanks and planes. I couldn't see myself with anyone else but him. It was so hard to imagine my life without him and I knew that I would need to change my ways. I couldn't be so attached to him because he belongs to someone else. Bloody hell, I know better than to wish for something I'll never have.

Closing my eyes I slipped into a dream. One where I was happy with Simon. We would go out and stay together afterwards. He would laugh at my shitty jokes and I would laugh at his. I may have been dreaming but I swear he was really there. Curling up under a blanket I let myself go. If Simon can't be mine, there must be something I can do. I pictured the moment in my head of when Simon would pick up the letter and the face he would make. I just wish he was mine.

-The letter reads:

Simon,

This isn't a letter I'd ever think I'd write, but knowing every day could be our last scares me. I'm writing this as an apology and a confession which could go either way. I understand that as of when I write this letter you'll be out doing something with the love of your life which makes sense. You two are definitely better for each other than anyone else but I have to be honest, and before you read the rest please keep in mind that our relationship won't change. We are friends and that's fine, but you need to know the truth so I can move on with these feelings.

We have been fighting side by side for years. I remember the first mission we went on and I remember the nights we spent together. We would hide and watch each others backs around every corner. You would poke fun and make jokes when I went on missions; and I would always do the same. I felt we had something truly special, but now? I don't know. I said I would be honest so here goes nothing. I think I'm in love. With you. Before you throw this letter away and remind yourself of who you love, just give me a chance.

I would do anything to help you. I would kill for you. Die for you. If it was you or me, I would jump in front of a bullet if it meant you would live. You are always on my mind. After missions all I worried about was you. Things changed when we went on missions farther from each other. You had priorities and so did I, which meant less time if any together. I kept you in my heart as I fought for our team, knowing that if I died on the field we wouldn't have said goodbye, and that was devastating. You kept me alive for years without even being there on the field. Then a new recruit appeared and everything changed. I knew it the moment he joined the team. The way you two looked at each other ruined any chance I had of getting to you.

When I left for the mission to retrieve the second half of the map, I knew that was the last chance I had. I don't want to know what you did in those few days, but the expressions you had said enough. That was it for me. I knew in that moment that you were beyond my reach and that someone else was there. Someone was in my place making sure you were ok, joking with you, and staying with you on cold nights. It truly broke my heart but I'm moving on. This letter is me moving on. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed it. Anything I've ever done that may have pushed us apart, I'm sorry. You deserve the happiness he brings you. What I found strange was how it felt when you hugged me. I don't think we've been that close before and it reignited my feelings for you like never before. It was like I needed you. It wasn't a want, it was a need.

To wrap up this letter I want you to know a few things. It may not be intimate and romantic but I do have love for you. This shouldn't interfere with your relationship but if it does I'm sorry. I still want to be friends and go back to things as they were. Secondly, if I was given the chance I would always choose you. If Aspen hadn't of joined maybe I would be where he is now. I don't want you to feel guilty I just wanted you to know. Lastly, please don't hate me for this. I promise that I won't interfere with your relationship but know I'm always here for you. Anything you want to talk about I'll be there. If I die I want to die knowing that you saw this. To die knowing you knew how I felt. How much I loved you.

That's all I wanted to say but feel free to come by my room and chat if you want to. I'm sorry for any pain this causes. Much love.

Your friend,
Johnny 

Thanks for reading!
Poor Johnny- who do you like with Simon better? Aspen or Soap?
See you soon🦦❤