Itzal had thought that he was okay and that he had kept the panic at bay, but his brain suddenly started kicking up unwanted images from his past. Memories of other kisses and of other situations like this. Every one of them made his skin crawl.
He suddenly needed some space. Itzal got out of the bed and started pacing up and down the room like a caged animal. He ran his hand through his hair compulsively, gritted his teeth, and scowled. He was so frustrated with himself and angry that he couldn’t even handle something as simple as being kissed without turning into a nervous wreck. Sunshine sat on the edge of the bed, watching him silently and letting him work through it himself for now.
His mind kept taking him back to the unwanted advances of the members of Santos’ congregation, of the witches, and of Santos himself. Santos had ensured that he learned how to please both men and women from a very early stage. What was the point of having a ghoul at your command if you couldn’t show him off? Itzal's skills had been highly sought after at the various parties and orgies that the church frequented and organised. He had hated every single second of it. His body did whatever Santos willed it to do, and it had pretty much broken him.
He knew that this was different though, knew that Sunshine wasn’t like them and he knew he had a choice here. Itzal wanted her too; he wanted her so badly. Wanted her more than he had ever wanted anything before.
Why could his brain not let him have this?
He gave her a pleading look. He didn’t know how to make it stop. As always, her kind violet eyes bored into his soul. She was a lifeline to grab onto during the storm. She got up and walked over to him, stopping in front of him.
“Will you let me hold you?” she asked.
He didn’t know what to say; he didn’t know the answer so he shrugged, which she took as a yes. She slowly moved closer, turning her face to the side so that it rested on his chest, and she put her arms lightly around his back.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. “I thought I could do this, but I don’t know if I can. I’m so fucking messed up! I want to be so much better for you. You deserve someone who can give you everything, but I’ve got nothing! I’ve got fuck all to give you!”
She held him tighter and he squeezed his eyes shut, burying his nose in the top of her head as he hugged her back.
“I just want to be normal. I want to do the things you guys do without having a fucking meltdown over every little thing!”
“Look how far you’ve come already, Itzal. It’s only been a few days since you came here. We can take things as slowly as you need to. I know we have a connection. I knew it as soon as I saw your aura that night. It felt like home and I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I left you. I thought I’d made the wrong decision, just walking away, but I saw how panicked you were and I didn’t want to scare you away for good. But then you arrived here asking for me and my gut told me it was meant to be, that I’d done the right thing. If we have the time, we can get through this. You deserve good things, Itzal. Your life can be good now that you’re here. Papa and everyone else will do everything we can to help you stay. I really need you to stay,” she whispered.
He warred with himself. The temptation of the life he could lead here was too much, but he didn’t know how to make it happen. He knew he would always belong to Santos one way or another. Even if by some wild stretch of his imagination he was free from the bond, he would never be free of his training and of the things that Santos had made him do. But just for this moment, he let himself see the light at the end of the tunnel and he gave in to temptation. He let himself want it.
“What do you want to do?” she asked him.
Itzal didn't know, so he hugged her a little bit tighter and started to think straight again. He realised she was right. He was standing there holding her, and he wasn’t trying to get away. In a few short days, he had learned to be close to her and mostly not freak out. He took a deep breath, dropped his arms, and stepped back.
It must have been evening by now. He noticed it was dark outside.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
He nodded. The thought of food didn’t really appeal to him, but he figured he should probably replace some of the calories he’d lost whilst running earlier. He knew he was pretty thin already, as he definitely didn't eat the amount of calories that a fully grown ghoul should be eating. He hadn't for a long while. Hunger was something he had grown used to. It was definitely easier to think straight when he wasn’t hungry, so he would make himself eat something, even if it was only for her.
“Okay, how about I order us a pizza, then? We can eat it here or in your room if you want?”
“We can stay here, maybe?”
Her room was nice, it had nice things, her things. He eyed her sofa, that had a big, fluffy blanket draped over the armrest.
“Go sit down if you like. I’ll order the pizza and we can put a movie on.”
Itzal noticed she didn't ask him to pick a flavour of pizza, and he was grateful to her as he didn’t think he could make a decision right now, even a small one. He was just too exhausted. He felt guilty for being so draining, too. After she’d just had her emotional wobble, he’d jumped straight into one of his own.
He didn't know why she kept helping him like this when all he did was cause her stress that she didn’t need.
Itzal went and sat down and unfolded the blanket. When she'd finished the order, she picked up the TV remote and sat down next to him. He draped the blanket around her shoulders, and she gave him an unreadable look. She wrapped it around him too and proceeded to look for a movie to watch.
“Is this one okay?” she asked as she stopped on the first Lord of the Rings movie.
He smiled and nodded. It was actually one of his favourites. His other luxury he’d had in his room, besides the blanket, was a TV with streaming channels and some books. They'd helped to while away the time when Santos had left him on his own. The escapism of the movies was pretty much the only thing that had kept him sane. Santos had been sick of him throwing himself around and hurting himself when he left him unattended in the early days, so he had tried giving him something to occupy his mind and it had worked.
It wasn’t long before there was a knock at the door and a kitchen ghoul dropped off two large pizzas. Sunshine grabbed two bottles of beer from the fridge and laid out the pizzas on the coffee table.
“I got a Margherita and a Pepperoni, as I figured they are the basics and everyone likes those.”
He grabbed a slice of the pepperoni just as she grabbed one too, and they ate and drank in comfortable silence while the movie played.
“Thanks," Itzal said when they’d finished eating, “for everything.”
She smiled up at him and moved closer so that she was leaning into his side. Her arm was gently resting on his thigh.
“Is this okay?” she asked.
He waited for any signs that he was going to start freaking out, and when nothing happened, he breathed a sigh of relief. He smiled and draped his arm around her shoulders as she snuggled into him to watch the rest of the film.
YOU ARE READING
Nameless Ghoul
ParanormalA ghoul is summoned illegally and enslaved by a rogue sect of the Clergy. For the past twenty years, an evil Satanic sorcerer has held Itzal captive. He took control of his will, subjecting him to unimaginable horrors, and forced him to commit acts...
