Nameless Ghoul

See the Light

Itzal had thought he was okay, that he’d managed to keep the panic at bay, but his brain started kicking up unwanted images from his past. Memories of other kisses. Other moments like this. Every one of them made his skin crawl.

He needed space.

Without a word, he got out of bed and began pacing the room like a caged animal. He ran a hand through his hair, jaw clenched, scowling. Frustration burned in his chest.

He was furious with himself. Angry that he couldn’t even handle something as simple as a kiss without falling apart. Sunshine sat quietly on the edge of the bed, watching, letting him work through it in his own time.

But his mind kept pulling him back. Back to the unwanted advances from members of Santos’ congregation. From the witches. From Santos himself.

Santos had made sure early on that Itzal knew how to please both men and women. What was the point of having a ghoul at your command if you couldn’t show him off? His 'skills' had become a commodity. Displayed at every party, every orgy the church hosted.

Itzal had hated every single second of it.

His body did whatever Santos willed it to do. It had pretty much broken him.

But this was different. He knew it was different.

Sunshine wasn’t like them. He had a choice now. And he wanted her. He wanted her so badly it hurt. More than he’d ever wanted anything.

So why wouldn’t his brain let him have this?

He looked at her, pleading. He didn’t know how to make it stop. But there she was. Those kind, violet eyes boring into him like she could see all the pieces he was trying to hold together. She stood and stepped toward him.

“Will you let me hold you?” she asked gently.

He didn’t know how to answer, so he shrugged. She took that as a yes. Slowly, she moved closer and rested her head against his chest, wrapping her arms lightly around his back.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice cracking. “I thought I could do this. But I don’t know if I can. I’m so fucking messed up. I want to be better for you. You deserve someone who can give you everything, but I’ve got nothing. I’ve got fuck all to give.”

She held him tighter, and he squeezed his eyes shut, burying his nose in her hair as he returned the hug.

“I just want to be normal. I want to do the things you guys do without having a meltdown over every little thing.”

“Look how far you’ve already come,” she said softly. “It’s only been a few days since you got here. We can take things as slowly as you need. I know we have a connection. I saw it the night I first met you. Your aura... it felt like home. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I left. I thought maybe I’d made a mistake, just walking away, but I saw how panicked you were. I didn’t want to scare you off for good. Then you showed up here asking for me, and my gut said it was meant to be. That I’d done the right thing.”

She pulled back enough to look him in the eye. “If we have time, we can get through this. You deserve good things, Itzal. Your life can be good now. Papa and the others. Everyone will help you stay. I want to help you stay here. I really need you to.”

His chest ached with the weight of her words. He wanted this. Wanted her. But he didn’t know how to make it happen. No matter where he went, he would always belong to Santos in some way. Even if the bond was somehow broken, even if he imagined the impossible, the training would still be there. The memories. The damage.

Still… just for this moment, he let himself see it. The light at the end of the tunnel.

He let himself want it.

“What do you want to do?” she asked gently.

Itzal didn’t know. So he hugged her a little tighter and let himself breathe. He realised she was right. He was here. He was holding her. And he wasn’t running away. In just a few short days, he’d learned to be near her and mostly not freak out.

He took a deep breath, released her, and stepped back.

It was dark outside now. Evening.

“Are you hungry?” she asked.

He nodded, even though the thought of food didn’t appeal to him much. But he figured he should probably eat something. After the running earlier, he’d burned through what little energy he had left. He was already too thin.

Ghouls were supposed to eat way more than he ever did. Hunger was a familiar feeling to him. It had been a constant companion for a long time now. But he knew it was easier to think straight when he wasn’t starving, so he’d eat. If not for himself, then for her.

“How about I order us a pizza?” she offered. “We can eat here, or in your room if you prefer.”

“Here’s fine,” he said quietly.

Her room felt safe. Warm. Hers. His eyes drifted to the sofa, where a big, fluffy blanket lay draped over the arm.

“Go sit down,” she said gently. “I’ll order the pizza and find us a movie.”

He noticed she didn’t ask what kind of pizza he wanted, and he was grateful. Even small decisions felt like too much right now. He was just…tired. And he felt guilty, too. After everything she’d just gone through, he’d gone and spiralled again.

Why did she keep helping him when all he did was drain her?

He sat down on the sofa and unfolded the blanket. When she finished the order, she picked up the TV remote and sat next to him. He draped the blanket around her shoulders. She gave him a look he couldn’t quite read, then wrapped it around them both and started browsing for a movie.

“Is this okay?” she asked, pausing on the first Lord of the Rings.

He smiled and nodded. It was one of his favourites. One of his only luxuries back with Santos had been a TV and a few books. The preacher had added them to his room when he got tired of Itzal hurting himself in the early days. The movies, the escapism, they’d been a lifeline. A distraction from the misery that had kept him sane.

Not long after, there was a knock on the door and a kitchen ghoul dropped off two large pizzas. Sunshine grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and laid everything out on the coffee table.

“I got Margherita and Pepperoni. Figured everyone likes those.”

Itzal grabbed a slice of pepperoni at the same time she did, and they ate in comfortable silence while the movie played.

“Thanks,” Itzal said when they were done. “For everything.”

She smiled up at him and shifted closer, leaning into his side. Her arm rested gently on his thigh.

“Is this okay?” she asked.

He waited for the panic. Waited for his brain to rebel. But nothing happened.

He exhaled slowly, relief washing over him. He smiled and draped his arm around her shoulders. She snuggled into him, and together, they watched the rest of the film in comfortable peace.