Nameless Ghoul

The Kiss

It seemed like hours passed before Sunshine relaxed into him and stopped crying. Itzal had tried to let his mind wander, but eventually he found himself enjoying being close to someone. It had taken him a while to feel comfortable, though. He was so used to being used. Close physical contact with someone else was something that he hadn’t had a choice in since he arrived on Earth. When his body was not under his control, he couldn’t get away even if he wanted to. And he'd always wanted to. Now that Santos wasn't controlling him, his body rebelled any time he needed to be touched. His brain would take a lot of rewiring before he didn’t associate contact with pain or with humiliation.

Itzal worked hard now though, because now he did have a choice. He willed his brain to absorb the way Sunshine felt, the way her curls tickled his chin every time she moved, or how her fingers subconsciously petted him through the material of his shirt. He breathed in her scent and he let it calm him. She needed him to comfort her through whatever this was, and his brain needed to man up and not freak out.

Sunshine hadn't hurt him yet and he reasoned with himself. She was the reason he was here; she was the reason he was feeling these little snapshots of peace and the reason that he was finding answers to what had happened.

She was his salvation, albeit temporarily.

He spent the time memorising everything about her and trying to make good memories of the sensations to cover over the bad ones, but it was so, so difficult.

He felt her shift a little as she moved her head away from his chest and looked up at him. She smiled softly, rubbed her eyes, and huffed.

“Itzal, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did this. I know I asked too much of you. I'm so frigging selfish! You could have walked away, it would have been ok. I would’ve understood.”

He frowned at her.

“You were so upset, I wouldn’t have been able to leave you on your own when you were like that. It's okay."

She reached up and touched his cheek with her hand, shuffling up the bed until they were nose to nose and he could feel her breath on his skin.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she smiled.

She pulled her soft comforter over them so it covered them both.

They lay there like that for a while, just soaking in the warmth of one another and breathing each other in. He felt they had some kind of connection. Maybe he'd even known it from the first time he’d laid eyes on her on the stage that night. There was so much going on, though, that he'd dismissed it and shut it down.

He hadn’t wanted to admit that he could get attached to someone. It would be dangerous for him and for them. His corrupted bond with Santos meant he couldn’t risk making a natural bond with another ghoul or ghuleh without the chance of some of him bleeding through into them as well. Itzal would not be able to live with himself if the filth from that bond contaminated a pure soul like Sunshine.

There was a more important reason not to get attached to anyone, though. He'd sworn to himself that he wouldn't make the same mistake again. If he ever ended up under Santos’ control again, the preacher would instantly know about the connection. He would do everything he could to eliminate it. Itzal knew how his mind worked, and going by his previous track record, Santos would use Itzal to kill her.

It had happened before, in the early days, and it was a lesson Itzal vowed he would only have to be taught once. It would be the ultimate mind game for Santos to re-establish control, and if he made Itzal hurt her, it would be the final straw that broke his sanity. Santos was so possessive of Itzal that if he even showed the slightest sign of affection to anyone else, that threat would have to be eliminated.

But here, laying peacefully with Sunshine, studying her delicate features as she studied him back, it was so fucking hard to stop himself from falling over the edge of the chasm of hope for an alternate life. A life where they could be bonded to each other. A life where they could make each other happy.

Who was he kidding, though? How could he ever make her happy? He had no clue about that stuff. His head was fucked, and he was the poster boy for PTSD. He had absolutely nothing to offer her.

But it was him she'd sought comfort from just now, his face that she was gently stroking. Maybe she was just as fucked up as he was.

“It’s totally ok if you don’t want to talk about it. But if you do want to tell me what’s wrong, I can try to help.” He laughed. “Well, yeah, I can try, but there isn’t much chance I can actually do anything to help. But, you know... Anyway, maybe you’ll feel better talking about it, even if it’s to someone useless?”

She sighed and looked down, her mouth turning downwards. When she looked up again, her brow was furrowed.

“It’s really stupid. I’m stupid. If I say it out loud, you will be like, what’s the big deal? What’s wrong with her?”

“I won’t, I promise,” he said sincerely.

She sighed yet again.

“Sometimes it all just gets too much. I’m new, well I’m the newest ghoulette. And I love the others, I love them to pieces, but they don’t understand. They don’t know about this either.” He gave her an encouraging smile. “Something went wrong when I was summoned. Nobody can figure out what, but my connection to Papa isn’t always great. Sometimes it dips in and out, like the signal disappears or something. Papa said it’s fine, they’ll figure it out, but when it goes, it’s like this pit of despair opens up and I feel so alone. I feel so cut off from everyone, and then everything just becomes so overwhelming. But I can’t tell the others because they’ll think it’s me and I’ve tried so hard to get them to like me. I just want to be like everyone else, and...”

He could see her struggling and the tears were starting again.

“Hey,” he said gently, “just breathe. I’m sure it will be okay. They’ll fix it. But I know what it’s like to suddenly be so alone. When I first arrived here, I had no clue what had happened to me. All that I knew was that suddenly the links to my family broke. They were there one second, gone the next. Completely gone. It hurt so much, I’d never felt anything like it.” He wiped a tear that was rolling down her cheek. “So it’s not stupid. It’s scary when it happens. Especially if you aren’t expecting it.”

“We were in the middle of a song, and it happened and I messed up my section. And everyone was looking at me, because I never make mistakes like that. I just freaked and ran off. I heard Papa telling them to leave me be. He knew what it was,” she sniffed. “And then I’ve been so tired after the last few days and so worried for you, and it was all just too much.”

Her words hurt his heart as he realised he had made it so much worse for her.

“I’m sorry, you’ve been so good to me and I never even thought about what it was costing you,” he said sadly.

“No! Itzal, don’t ever think that I regret helping you. The connection dropped and it just was the worst possible time and I just lost it. The last couple of weeks is a lot to take in. My heart aches for you and I want you to be happy. I want you to stay here with us. I want you to be free.” She smiled and her eyes strayed to his lips. “I want you.”

Itzal's heart stopped at her words. He couldn’t process them. She closed the inch or so of distance left between them and placed her lips onto his in a feather-light touch. His eyes widened and he willed his brain to stay here in this moment, enjoying the kiss, but he could feel the beginnings of the familiar panic riding up. Her hand went to his hair, gently running her fingers through the dark strands. Just as he was thinking it was all becoming too much, she pulled away and held his gaze. She could sense his skittishness and must have realised he needed a minute.

Itzal took a deep breath and willed himself to calm down. He was pissed with himself that yet again his fucked up brain was ruining the best thing that had happened to him since he’d been ripped from his old life and dumped into this one.

“Are you still here with me?” Sunshine asked him.

Itzal took another calming breath, letting the scent of sunny days calm his racing mind. He could feel the fog of panic clearing, and he reached out to tuck a stray curl behind her ear.

“I think so," he said with a half smile.