Nameless Ghoul

The Kiss

It felt like hours passed before Sunshine finally relaxed into him and stopped crying. Itzal tried to let his mind wander, but soon he found himself quietly enjoying the closeness. It had taken a while to get comfortable. He was so used to being used.

Since arriving on Earth, close contact with someone else hadn’t been a choice. When his body wasn’t under his control, there was no escaping it, even if he wanted to. And he’d always wanted to. Now that Santos wasn’t controlling him, his body rebelled every time he had to be touched. His brain would need serious rewiring before he could stop associating contact with pain or humiliation.

But he worked at it, because now he had a choice. He willed himself to absorb how Sunshine felt. The way her curls tickled his chin with every move, the gentle, subconscious way her fingers traced through the fabric of his shirt. He breathed in her scent, letting it calm him. She needed him to be here for her, and his brain needed to stop freaking out.

Sunshine hadn’t hurt him yet. He reasoned with himself. She was the reason he was here; the reason he was glimpsing these rare moments of peace and finding answers to what had happened.

She was his salvation, even if only for now.

He spent the time memorizing everything about her, trying to build good memories around the sensations to drown out the bad ones. But it was so, so hard.

She shifted, pulling her head away from his chest to look up at him. She smiled softly, rubbed her eyes, and sighed.

“Itzal, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did this. I know I asked too much of you. I’m so frigging selfish. You could’ve walked away, and it would’ve been okay. I would’ve understood.”

He frowned.

“You were so upset. I couldn’t have just left you there. It’s okay.”

Her hand reached up to his cheek. She shuffled closer on the bed until they were nose to nose, her breath warm against his skin.

“Thank you,” she whispered, smiling.

She pulled the soft comforter over them, covering them both.

They lay like that for a while, soaking in each other’s warmth, breathing each other in. Itzal felt a connection with her. Maybe he’d felt it the first time he saw her on stage that night, but there was so much happening then, he’d pushed it down.

He hadn’t wanted to admit he could get attached. It was dangerous. For him and for her. His corrupted bond with Santos meant he couldn’t risk a natural connection with another ghoul or ghuleh without the filth bleeding through. He couldn’t live with himself if that poison contaminated a pure soul like Sunshine’s.

There was an even bigger reason not to get attached. He’d sworn never to make the same mistake again. If he ever fell under Santos’s control again, the preacher would sense any bond instantly—and destroy it. Itzal knew his mind too well; if that happened, Santos would use him to kill her.

It had happened once before in the early days, and Itzal vowed never to be taught that lesson twice. It would be the ultimate mind game. Santos re-establishing control by making Itzal hurt the one thing he cared about most. Santos was so possessive that if Itzal showed any sign of affection toward anyone else, that threat had to be eliminated.

But here, lying peacefully with Sunshine, studying her delicate features as she studied his, it was so fucking hard not to fall into the chasm of hope for another life. A life where they could bond. A life where they could make each other happy.

Who was he kidding? How could he ever make her happy? His head was fucked; he was the poster boy for PTSD. He had absolutely nothing to offer her.

But it was him she’d sought out just now. He was the one she was gently stroking. Maybe she was just as fucked up as he was.

“It’s totally okay if you don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “But if you do want to tell me what’s wrong, I can maybe help.” He laughed dryly. “Well, try at least. No promises I’ll actually do any good. But, you know... maybe it helps to talk, even if it’s to someone useless like me?”

She sighed, looking down, mouth trembling. When she met his eyes again, her brow was furrowed.

“It’s really stupid. I’m stupid. If I say it out loud, you’ll be like, ‘What’s the big deal? What’s wrong with her?’”

“I won’t,” he promised sincerely.

She sighed again.

“Sometimes it all just gets too much. I’m new. The newest ghuleh in the pack. I love the others to pieces, but they don’t understand. They don’t know about this either.” Itzal gave her an encouraging smile. “Something went wrong when I was summoned. Nobody can figure out what, but my connection to Papa isn’t steady. Sometimes it dips in and out, like a bad signal. Papa said it’s fine. They’ll figure it out. But when it drops, it’s like this pit of despair opens up and I feel so alone, so cut off. Everything becomes overwhelming. But I can’t tell the others, because then they’d think it’s me. And I’ve worked so hard to get them to like me. I just want to be normal, like everyone else, and…”

Tears welled again.

“Hey,” he said softly, “just breathe. It’ll be okay. They’ll fix it. But I know what it’s like to suddenly be that alone. When I first got here, I didn’t know what happened to me. All I knew was that the links to my family broke. There one second, gone the next. Completely gone. It hurt like nothing else.” He wiped a tear from her cheek. “So it’s not stupid. It’s scary, especially when you don’t expect it.”

“We were in the middle of a song, and it happened. I messed up my part, and everyone was staring because I never mess up. I freaked and ran. Papa told them to leave me alone. He knew what was going on.” She sniffed. “And I’ve been exhausted the past few days, worried about you... it was just too much.”

His heart ached. His being there had made it worse for her.

“I’m sorry. You’ve been so good to me, and I never even thought about what it cost you.”

“No! Itzal, don’t ever think that. I don’t regret helping you. The connection dropped at the worst time and I lost it. The last couple of weeks have been a lot to take in. My heart aches for you. I want you to be happy. I want you here with us. I want you to be free.” Her eyes strayed to his lips. “I want you.”

His heart stopped. He couldn’t process it. She closed the small gap between them and kissed him. A feather-light touch. His eyes widened and he willed his mind to stay in the moment, to enjoy it, but the familiar panic crept up.

Her hand ran gently through his dark hair. Just as the fear threatened to overwhelm, she pulled back and held his gaze. She must’ve sensed his unease and knew he needed a moment.

Itzal took a deep breath, willing himself calm. He was pissed at his fucked-up brain for ruining the best thing that had happened to him since being ripped from his old life and dumped into this one.

“Are you still here with me?” Sunshine asked.

He breathed in the scent of sunny days, the panic fog clearing some. He reached out to tuck a stray curl behind her ear.

“I think so,” he said with a weak smile.