Pass me the coffee or wine!

I did NOT sign up for this shit!

Right- let me say. Having a child is fantastic. I can't imagine my life without my tiny human. But I can't stress this enough- it did not complete me as a woman. It didn't fulfil my life, and it wasn't a Disney movie's happy ending. The birth alone was enough to scar me for life ( quite literally, I have the C-section scar to prove it), And I know I will get backlash for that statement, but I couldn't give a rat's arse because that is my truth. And before you start- I adore my son; I think the sunshine's out of his arse. I'd gladly die for him. He is genuinely my best little bud!
But what " they" don't tell you when you have kids is that you suddenly cease to exist as you, your own person. You have this tiny person relying on you for everything. That's how it should be. I get that.  It's a fucking lie that the newborn stage is the hardest. It's a piece of cake; all they do is sleep, eat and shit. It's when they start being mobile and vocal. You need eyes in the back of your head!
When Roman started crawling, I remember going overboard with the baby-proofing. My house was like a safe Fort Knox. If I could have wrapped and covered everything in bubble wrap - I would have. But alas, Adam put a kibosh on that plan.
  Annyyywhhhooo, we have a kitty cat called Bronwyn. Born-Bron for short. And our front door has a cat flap. Yes, you can see where this is going. I was in the kitchen for no longer than 5 minutes. I had put Ro in his bouncy chair, watching happy feet for the second time that day. I was making him a bottle when I heard the cat flap go. I just thought Bron was going out for a pee. So nothing out of the ordinary. But imagine my surprise as I walked out of the kitchen to see my child's butt in the air, legs hanging and his head out of the cat flap. At the age of 7 months, my child had concocted his very own prison break. He thought, sod this, if Bron can do it, so can I! Imagine if he got fully out? My god- I would have been on crime watch. At that moment, I knew I was in for a life of adventures and mishaps. I also realised my child was an evil genius, and I needed to watch him closely and nurture his genius for good, not bad.
From that moment on, I can say life with Ro has not been boring. It was also the beginning of what I like to call his excellent escape phase. The next step of his master plan - escape from the cot! It was summer, and I had forgotten, as usual, to put the bin out for the early morning collection. So, off I trot, in my pyjamas and mum bun, to drag the container over the rocks she was on my driveway. When I hear two girls giggling and pointing up at my house. I was slightly confused until I looked up at Ro's bedroom window; what did I see? Well, I will tell you. My 18-month-old child had managed to climb out of his cot, onto the window sill and standing NAKED! Yes, naked-he had taken off his nappy. So he was standing front facing the window, waving at me, smiling, dummy in mouth and his penis out for the entire street to see. I ran inside so fast. My sweet baby boy! My child was an exhibitionist. He is comfortable being " naked rudie", as he calls it.
It doesn't only apply at home- he has done it in public, also. I was doing my weekly top-up shop in a supermarket with a green sign. He was fully walking at this point. I had decided to let him walk around the store with me, holding onto the side of the trolley. I had purposely gone when it wasn't at its busiest. I was being cautious of dates on the meat, looking very intently when I heard grunting and sounds of frustration from my son. He had somehow managed to slip out of his trainers and, in the process of taking his trousers off. In the supermarket! I proceeded to pull up his pants with a "woohoo, kid! What are you doing?" His response was, " Pando does it"
If you are a parent and live in the UK, you will be aware of the channel CBeebies. And on that channel is a program called Bing! That annoying, bratty rabbit thing and his best friend, Pando. And Pando likes to take his trousers off in public. He even does it in the opening title. I'm sorry, but why? I did tweet CBeebies and asked that very question. The response I received was this " a common query- Pando's character trait is based on actual life toddler behaviour. Thanks", all completely nonchalant. Had they not realised the can of shit they had just opened? I honestly thought, and still do, that they were talking out of their backside.
So into research mode, I go- let me tell you, I went down a rabbit hole. I asked my brother and sister-in-law if my nephew had done this. He's another tiny human with no qualms about getting naked at any opportunity. But no, he never took his trousers off in public. I asked my friends who had children if their offspring had done this. Apart from the odd flashing incidents, the resounding answer was a big fat fucking no! I concluded ( somebody) had led me on a merry dance. And bratty bing and his friend were responsible for my child's magic Mike impression. Thankfully Ro has outgrown his dropping trousers in the public phase, and it had been replaced with putting his hands down his pants. I knew I'd have to deal with this eventually. I didn't think it would be at the age of 4.
The first time I noticed it. I told Roman, " stop that! You will go blind and it will drop off" to which my dear husband Adam pipes up and says " No it wont Ro, don't listen to mummy" way to back me up with the co-parenting Adam. And to this day he still does it. I've got to the point now, where I don't even draw attention to it. I've learnt that if i do, it makes it more of a giggle to him, so he would continue. It has become less frequent but it does still happen. And what " they" don't tell you about having kids, is that kids are disgusting. Kids do the most grossest things. Ro literally puts his toes in his mouth and bites his toes in his mouth and bits his toe nails. The first time i saw him doe this, i was completely sickened.but also secretly, slightly impressed with his flexibility. And yes, i did try it that night to see if i could lift my leg up and get my toe to my mouth. Epic fail - i fell off my bed, banged my head on the heater and got really bad cramp in my left butt cheek.
Also Ro does gymnastics, and one of his first lessons, he was a bit snotty. He was almost over a cold. One of the many bugs he seems to pick up. He is a walking germ magnet! I was watching him being the proud mummy at how uncoordinated and clumsy he is ( again he gets that from me) it was like the incident was happening in slow motion and i was powerless to stop it. Ro, put his finger up his nostril, had what seemed like a pretty good root, pulled out what i can imagine, the biggest, greenest snot bogey, proceeded to intently inspect it, for then to WIPE it on his coach's t-shirt ( i am truly sorry Ryan- there is no excuse, my child is gross) and then carried on normal. I was mortified. I was surrounded by the elite ( the super serious. My child is going to be an Olympian mums) and the looks I received- well let me just say, don't act like your child isn't as gross and disgusting in your insta worthy homes! And don't look at me like that, because you and i both know it stinks when you shit too!
My child forever comes home from school with snot all the way up his jumper sleeves. Even though i make sure he has tissues in all his pockets and a spare packet in his bag. But alas, this seems to allude him. He is toilet trained. But, he refuses to wipe his own bottom. He still uses his potty at home. But at school he uses the toilet. When we go out he uses the facilities. But he refused to use the toilet at home. He has this habit, that when he's done a poo, he likes to look at it. Intently look at it and then make a comment. A few have been " mummy it looks like a backward curly c" " wow mummy, its an explanation point" and my old time favourite " oh my goodness, that's huge. It's like king kings finger. Mummy, what have you been feeding me?" Yes, he must have heard me say that once. I'm quite proud. But i do need to remember little ears hear everything ( more on that later)
So in conclusion- kids are gross. They do unbelievable, disgusting things. The smell that comes out of the butt is like mustard gas and kills any or all sense of smell. You get sick when your kid is sick, you probably will be a lot worse off. They like snot and bogeys in all forms, and the curiosity of the taste is something they can't resist. They are body positive and comfortable in their own skin. My child is definitely a naked loving person. It's a wonderful experience being a parent. But this gross behaviour- i did NOT sign up for this shit!