Pass me the coffee or wine!

Being prepared for sexy time.

You know i had to broach this subject. Sex is a big thing in a relationship. Weather its because of the lack of sex, bad sex, mind- blowing sex or even quickly sex. It all plays a part in a relationship. But being a busy working mother/wife- it can be a bit of a slog to get in the mood. Sex was so much easier before children. It's not only getting in the mood, its all the bloody upkeep. The de-hailing, the sexy lingerie, perfecting the not so cringy cum face, to learnt the fake orgasm ( its something girl has to have in the back pocket, think of the fragile male ego) to deciding who get's to sleep in the wet patch. For what its worth it should always be the man! It was so much easier to do all that without your tiny human barging in and in my case asking why I don't have a whitwoo and why do i have big things on my chest.  I stopped having a bath with Roman when he started noticing that i had different  body parts to him and daddy. I'm very aware of the fact that Ro could hear me and Adam having sex, and he could also walk in on us. He'd become scared for life! He hasn't quite grasped how to pull on door handles. So, we have formulated a system, we close his door too, put a toy, usually his marble run box, lean it against the door, and if he opens the door it will fall, make a clatter and alert us to the impending presence of our child while in the throws of passion.  As a parent, I'm very aware of a lot of things. I look for danger and how i can prevent it. I'm hyper vigilant - or completely bat shit. I honestly can't decide.
  I vividly remember before i had sex with Adam for the first time. I was meticulous. I shaved every area you could possibly imagine. I even went as far as using eyebrow tweezers to pluck missed hairs.. i exfoliated till my skin was red, then  covered myself in body lotion. Every time i went to the toilet, i used toilet roll and wet wipes of the feminine hygiene kind, also vaginal deodorant. I didn't want my area to smell like pee. I made sure my hair and make up were perfect, and that i smelt delish. See- all this trouble and to this day, i still believe Adam never really noticed any of my efforts. But best believe if I hadn't have shaved and pluck within an inch of my life he would have noticed. I was very unaware of what a bikini wax was in my teens, let alone the difference between a Brazilian and Hollywood. Well until i discovered my true love to show. Sex and the city! I wasn't the girl that wanted to be Carrie. Me, i wanted to be Samantha. To me Samantha Jones was the epitome of a woman. She was amazing. Unapologetic, does things on her own terms, sexually confident, brazen, sassy, an established successful career and had a really sexy but trendy fashionista vibe about her. So i decided i was going to be like that. Free to do things my way. My body, my choice. It was empowering. It certainly seemed it to fifteen year old Emma, watching it in the dark, volume really low and subtitles on, as I wasn't supposed to be watching it. But I just go out and fuck just anyone. I wasn't that sexually confident. Well, not just yet anyway. I was a relationship girl in my late teens. I've always been a relationship girl, apart from after the very painful break up and subsequent dealing of getting over the Ex's. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I've have been a big slut. But I'm not ashamed of it. It's led me to know what i want and don't want. What i like and don't like.
   My first serious boyfriend was the first person i was having sex with on a regular basis. And being a teen about to enter adulthood, this was all new and exciting. But there were quite a few embarrassing moments also, and i will divulge those. I may as well lay myself bare, you can laugh, you can cry. You may even think oh my, i totally relate. Some of the stories don't include sex - its the embarrassing lead up or the embarrassing things that happened during.  Growing up, I wasn't popular with the boys. To be brutally honest i was pretty much invisible. I had strawberry blonde hair - fine! I had ginger hair, a face full of freckles and i was extremely thin. None of which were very attractive to any of the boys in my high school. Having ginger hair back then wasn't a trend like it is now, I received quite a lot of taunts and jibes about it. So i was very inexperienced when it came to the opposite sex. So much so kissing was a foreign concept for me. I remember asking my friend, we shall call her Kat. Kat wasn't as inexperienced as me, i knew for a fact she had kissed boys and done a few things sexually that would have made our priest blush at Wednesday confession. I should also mention i went to a Roman Catholic high school.
It was a Saturday night. We were having a sleep over at my house. We did the usual girly stuff, painted nails, face masks etc. But i was curious - i had never given oral and i was confused as to why it was called a blowjob. Was it because you blow? So i asked. I still remember how stupid i felt, how clueless i must have seemed for asking. In  my defence, if you don't ask, you don't find out. She giggled at me, which i did feel a little offended, being a pretty clueless and silly teen. But, she took pity on me, she did her best to explain it to me, i must have had a really confused look on my face. This is where it gets a bit embarrassing, Kat grabs the nearest thing to her that was  closest to phallic shaped as she could get, which just so happened to be an impulse body spray can. She proceeded to instruct me on the technique and i now found out that the act did not involve blowing at all. How embarrassing! But now, at least i knew some kind of technique - even if it was years later i actually did that.
  The next time i felt really stupid and embarrassed was my first  proper kiss. It was with a boy we shall call Sam. I was so nervous. I was like a scared little puppy, shaking. Teenage boys at the best of times aren't the most adept at feelings. I think he sensed my nervousness, because my lips were going one way and he was aiming the other. Our heads collided with a wallop. That didn't seem to put him off though, as he stuck his mouth on mine and shoved his tongue in my mouth, and then proceeded to what i can only describe as a washing machine movements. All swish smash and just as sloppy as it sounds. I wasn't impressed and i did not want to repeat that experience with him. I found that experience to be underwhelming and disgusting. We were teenagers and I'm sure he's gotten much better, and i can imagine he wasn't impressed with my kissing skills either.  After that experience it was back to being invisible to the opposite sex. It was along time before i even kissed anyone let alone seeing a boy naked. The first time i had sex, I'm going to be really honest, i know i should remember it, but i really don't. I can't even remember who it was with. I just recall having the feeling of wanting to get it over with so I wasn't a virgin anymore.
  Everything changed when i left high school and went to sixth form college. I could leave behind the geeky, ginger image behind and become just like Samantha Jones. All confident in her own skin. The first time i actually remember having sex, i completely humiliated myself. It was our first time, my then first serious boyfriend- we will call him Justin ( i hard a massive crush on Justin Timberlake at the time) . We had been together for what seemed like forever at the time, in reality it was probably only eight weeks. Let me tell you, i was always horny. I wanted him so badly. So, the first time we got down to it. I was still a bit shy about my body. I had developed quite a bit, up top, and I hadn't discovered my love of fake tan and sun beds just yet. So i was very pale. I kept a t-shirt on the entire time. Anyway, id had a big dinner and i was feeling a little  on the bloated/windy side. As were were getting a bit heated, he laid on top of me- yes you've guessed it. As he laid on me, and put his weight on me, on my stomach, the loudest fart erupted from me. I have never been so humiliated  in my life up until that point. It gets worse, he started laughing, I mean really laughing, he had literal tears rolling down his face, which in turn got me laughing. We were both in hysterics. And yes, it happened again. I farted loud for a second time, which in turn made us laugh even more. I was trying so hard not to fart again, but i was laughing so hard i pee'd a little. I could not believe it. Id farted twice and then to add salt into the humiliation i pee'd! I was absolutely mortified at the time. The mood was totally gone, but he must have like me a lot at the time, because he didn't dump me there and then . Wes were together for 2 years after that. His younger brother walked in on us once. I say younger, but he was only eighteen months younger than us. We had to pretend to be asleep. He bother clearly knew what we were doing, as he walked straight back out but he was laughing. It was pretty much obvious as Justin was laid on top of me and both our clothes were on the floor by the bed. We had got really good at keeping quite and trying not to rock the bed. Typical teenage stuff.
   Since I've been married, i can honestly say that i have never once farted in front of Adam. Never in his presence. It doesn't count if I'm asleep, because I don't know I'm doing it. And it doesn't count when pregnant as its painful as hell. After seven years of marriage and nearly a decade together. I think the embarrassment and humiliation factor has long since gone. He has seen me in some states i can tell you. He's even carried me over his shoulder fireman style when i was paralytic on a night out. I slid down a wall! He been in the bathroom after I've been for a number two. But i refuse to use the toilet if he's in the bath or shower. That's just something he should never have to see! He's actually been there when I've " leaked" from my bottom. If any of you women out there have tried the cabbage soup diet or the cayenne pepper lemonade combo diet. Then you know what I'm talking about. And that is all I'm going to say on the matter.  Since Adam and i met, I think we had both come to know what were were doing in the bedroom dept. No awkward teenage rumblings. I don't think I've ever embarrassed myself in front of him that way. Unless you count the occasionally vagina fart, or leaving a wet patch on the bedsheet while we've been having sexy time. In my relationship status and my knowledge, I've now come to the realisation that monthly Hollywood wax and leg wax is a must. Just in case spontaneous copulation occurs. You've just got to think ahead and be prepared for sexy time!