Dear Mom,
I miss you. A lot. Most days, I'm okay. But it's worse tonight. I really need a hug, but I only want it to be from you. I have a lot of regrets in life, and there are a lot of things I wish I could change, and at least half of them surfaced after you passed. I regret not giving you more hugs. I now know how much they meant to you and how much I probably hurt your feelings when I gave you a hard time about them. I never knew how much such a simple gesture meant until it was too late. I'm so sorry for that. I would give just about anything for a hug from you. Just 5 more minutes. But that's not possible and I have to accept that sooner or later. It's hard- losing your best friend in the whole entire world. You were always the most important person to me. You were my rock. Not only did I depend on you for a lot of things, but I wouldn't have wanted it to be anybody else in the world. I regret not telling or showing you more often that I love you. Once again, I didn't realize how much such a simple gesture means. I really did love you and I still do, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you or show you enough. I hope you know how much I love you. The thought of you passing without you realizing how much I love you breaks my heart to pieces. God, there is so much I wish I would have done/done differently. I wish I would have spent more time with you near the end. Part of me was in denial about the whole thing. Part of me didn't think my presence mattered that much. Part of me didn't want to be around Kate and Alex. Part of me thought you were going to win the fight and you would be okay. And I think maybe a little part of me didn't care and I was being selfish by not wanting to take any time away from my alone time. And that is so awful and terrible of me, and I would give anything to go back and change it. Also, part of me didn't want to see you in that condition and now that I think about it, I think it would have made it feel a lot more real to me, and I didn't want that. Most days it still doesn't feel real to me, but when it does feel real, it's a pain like none other. I would have never thought you would be gone so soon. Never in a million years. I remember some time when we were living in the farmhouse and I was in Dylan's bedroom, you were in the shower and for some reason, the idea of you dying was on my mind and it made me really upset. I think you came in after your shower and I don't remember what we said. That might've been the night I asked if I could call you "mommy" forever, but it might not have been. I also regret being so mean to you for no reason so often. I know I blamed it on being a teenager and said it was common, but that was a shitty excuse. I guess I just needed someone to take my bitchy moods out on and you were always there, so it happened to be you. I wish I would have just learned to manage it or at least take it out on someone/thing else. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry for bullying and making fun of you too. Especially continuing to do it after you expressed to me how it made me feel. It was hard not to though because it plays a big part in how I express my love. It also didn't help that Abby was always around and I seemed to do it more often when she was around. And I'm sorry about the whole Abby thing. She took away a lot of my time from you, and I'm sorry for not realizing that sooner. I didn't realize how much it affected you, and I really wish I would have, especially since she and I aren't even together anymore. But at the time, I didn't care, and I didn't think about how it might've made you feel, and I'm really sorry for that. It was selfish of me. I regret not recognizing that sooner, among many things, but I am glad I'm able to at least recognize it now, even though it is too late. And I regret not spending more time with you. Especially when you asked. However, I hold all of our moments and memories very close to my heart and I will always cherish them. I wish I would've been more supportive and understanding about what you were going up against. You were fighting such a vicious battle and you had that monster inside of you every day. I didn't take the time to learn or understand, and I regret that because you could have used all the support you could get, especially from your own daughter. I'm sorry for not being there for you in all of the ways I could have/ should have been. It was hard on me, but I ignored the truth of it and tried to avoid it, hoping that would've made me happier. I think anyway. My memory is so awful now and I feel like a completely different person. Every day I wake up, I feel like I'm a different person. I don't necessarily feel that in the moment, but when I look back and try to remember who I am/was, it's very hard and that's how I feel. My heart aches so bad. I have never felt a pain this grave, and I don't think I ever will again. Even though my heart aches every day, I'm so thankful that you are not in pain or suffering any longer. As time goes on, my pain will lessen, but as time went on for you, your pain only got worse. Your pain was much more draining and severe, and I am so glad you will never have to feel that pain again. I still don't understand why it had to be you, though. You had such a big heart and you had so much love to give and so many people to give it to, yet you had an awful cancer and it killed you. Why is Sean still here, cancer-free? What about Ricky? And ---- and -------? Sure, they have gotten a good deal of bad karma from the horrible things they have done, but they're still alive and you aren't. It isn't fair. I'm not saying I want them to die, other than Ricky, but how is it that they're alive and healthy and you aren't? I'll admit, that you haven't made some of the best decisions, but whatever you have done doesn't even come close to the severity of the damage they've done and the people they have hurt. And to make it worse, I doubt they're even aware of the extent to which their destruction has affected others. I just don't understand, and I never will. As you would say, grr! I believe everything happens for a reason, no matter how shitty it is, but I really wish I knew the reason for quite a few things. I've tried to find some clarity and shed even a tiny amount of light on the situation by finding some possible, positive reasons or outcomes, but I haven't even thought about them since I first came up with them. It's been hard to think about anything in a positive manner. I know that will get better, but it sucks. There's so many things I wish I could tell you and show you. So many new songs I want to play for you, t.v. shows I want to watch with you, things I want to buy for you, things I was to do with you, places I want to go. I want my best friend back. The one person I could tell anything under the sun. That's one thing I don't regret- telling you everything. I don't think there's anything I kept from you, and I'm very glad about that. There's so many things I need to tell you. I just wish I could show you. Another thing I regret is holding you back from moving to Michigan and being with your family. Once again, it was selfish of me, and I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted to be there and you didn't go because I didn't want t. Your death changed me so much. For the most part, it's good. Other than the depression and heartache. I was depressed before, just not as bad. But I'm doing better than I Have done in a very long time, I know my circumstances have affected that, meaning if I was on my own, I don't think I would be doing as well as I am now. Becky is taking good care of me. As well as she can anyway. She has a lot on her plate, and has for a while, and I'm just hoping that me being here is helping her more than it's adding on to her stress. I'm doing the best I can, I'll give myself that. There's not a whole lot I can do before I get burnt out, But I'm not completely useless around here. I'm going to wrap this up and go to sleep. I love you to the Milky Way and back, mom. I hope your soul is still alive and you're enjoying yourself wherever you may be. Goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite. <3 I'll try to write to you tomorrow, sleep tight <3
Love, Madison <3
