Dear Mom,
I am a very damaged person. I have gone through so much shit to the point I have more bad memories than good. Sure, I have a lot of good memories, but when I think about memories as a whole, it's clouded with bad ones. Apparently, Sean and I used to bring you flowers at work all of the time, but the only time I can remember is the last time. I'd like to think it was a good memory until that fight turned into a bad one- a very bad one. Not to mention the path it created for all of us afterward. Our life was secretly shitty before that happened, and after that, it just went downhill. You would think that his going to prison would improve our lives. You didn't have to worry about being physically abused, and neither did the kids. And they didn't have to get the verbal abuse because they could get away with barely talking to him, unlike you. Growing up made me realize why you could never leave him, let alone stick with it. I'm sure there were reasons that you weren't even consciously aware of. However, you not realizing way sooner would have saved a lot of people a lot of trauma. I don't even know who I am at this point. I haven't for a long time. I don't think I ever fully knew, but at one point, I at least had some sense of it. Right now, in this moment, I just feel numb. I feel lost like I'm just a void and just a body taking up space with no purpose. I don't like it. It feels like it's going to last forever, but I doubt it will. I just don't know what to do. About anything. Especially without you. I never prepared myself to live a life without you. And I should have, so I'd at least have some sense of what I'm doing, but I didn't. And I regret it. Goodnight, I love you. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite. I love you and I miss you. <3
Love, Madison
