Dear Mom,
It's Halloween eve. It doesn't feel like it, though. I barely decorated for Halloween this year. I guess I did compared to last year's nothing. I carved a pumpkin when I got home from work. I did it alone outside because everyone else did theirs while I was at work. They went on a hayride and whatnot. It kinda hurt that I didn't get to go. I haven't done anything fun in a really long time it feels like. Lana said two things to me today. That hurts too. More than them having a fun day without me. I just want to know if I did or said something wrong. She says she's tied up with work and school, but it suddenly sprung on after we hung out. I just don't understand. I hate that. Maybe it's what I deserve, though. Whatever. I'm so tired of being treated like a piece of shit when I know that I'm a good person. I want to reach out for help, but I feel like I can't.
I had a really bad mental day at work. I took my break earlier than I planned because I knew I wasn't going to be able to hold back my tears any longer. I was hurting and all I needed was you, but you weren't there. I cried my entire break and didn't even eat. I couldn't. Then, Abbi, my coworker thought that I was upset because of something Ben said to me. But it wasn't even Ben. It was Matt. And it just made me mad because I was asking him if someone had checked in the log splitter/suggesting that he do it because the customer had dropped it off. But, he was acting so dumb. I was upset and emotional before that, and that just made me angry. So, when I went back up front, Abbi asked me what was up. I told her I didn't really know and all I knew was the guy made me mad. So she assumed it was Ben. Jan asked me what Ben said and I had no clue whatsoever what she was talking about. Then she told me that Abbi told her she thought I was upset over what Ben said to me. So, I think they asked Ben because he was being weird when I was talking to him. But maybe he wasn't. and I just saw that he was. I don't know. I don't even know Ben. I've said like three things to him before. Whatever. Everyone will forget by next weekend. I think I may have covid, but I could just be overthinking it.
I really really really wish Lana would talk to me. Once again, I feel like a broken record. I hate it. I am hurting so much. Only the pain feels real. It's such a heavy pain, too. It's like I can feel its weight sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Like I can feel it pushing its way through every single vein in my body. Like nothing even matters because nothing is even real. I know that's not what you want to hear. You want to hear that I am doing great. Which, I was. I was beyond great. I was happy. Content. Hopeful. But right now, at this moment, I feel numb. Other than the anger and pain, I am completely numb.
I texted Tara (Jaden's mom) but for some reason, I feel like she isn't going to answer me. Maybe that's a good thing though. I will probably just embarrass myself. This is why I need you. Because I know I wouldn't embarrass myself. But most of this is because you are gone. Tara did answer me by the way. I won't get into it though.
My birthday is coming up. Three days. My second birthday without you.
