Dear Mom,
I should already be laying down in bed by now, but it's a Friday night and I wanted to talk to you. I've been working on school so much that I've been trying to make the weekends school-free and do things I enjoy. I started a free Introduction to Psychology class last month and I just finished it. I really enjoyed taking it. When I signed up for it, I had the mindset that I was going to major in psych. But about halfway through, I decided that I'm probably not going to go for that, but I still finished the course and I'm going to start a social psychology class next. I find interest in the topic, and knowing the knowledge won't hurt anything. If I wasn't taking it, I'd just be watching T.V. or whatever, so it's not a complete waste of my time. I just want to make you proud, as well as make myself proud. None of your other kids went to college, so I think going, even if it's undecided, would make you extremely proud of me. Plus, I want to make a good life for myself. I know you don't always have to go to college to do that, but I think it'll help. Everyone I know seems to either have a shitty life, or they're not doing what they need to do. And no offense, but I don't want to have the kind of life you did and if I ever do have kids, I don't want them to have the kind of life I did or any of us kids. I know most of the time you were doing your best, but you didn't set it up very well for yourself, nor did you have the support and guidance you needed. I'm only 18 years old and I have had such a shitty life and I've been through a lot of heart-breaking things and I hate that because I have to carry it around with me every single day. Anyway, I miss you. Today was alright I suppose. I slept in way later than I wanted and I could have for sure slept in later, but I knew I shouldn't have. Most days are good. Then I have some blah days, then I have some straight-up bad days. However, it's mostly at night when it gets bad. But I deal with it in the best ways I know. I'm still clean from self-harm. February 14th was 3 years. I know you'd be very proud of me for not caving after all that has happened. I know I'm proud of myself, and at this point, that's all that really matters. I really hate that you're gone forever. This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing you. The longest time I've gone without seeing you was 3 weeks that I was in foster care. And I'm pretty sure I saw you in between for Easter. It just really sucks and it's still very painful. I wish I could have 5 more minutes with you. I regret not talking to you way sooner. I regret putting it off every time you would bring it up. It was very immature of me. I'm sorry for that because now I realize how much it would've meant to you. To know my plan, to know I'm going to be okay, and to know that I was aware that it was real. But I wasn't aware. The only time I really thought about it was when I was trying to fall asleep and I'd be scared you wouldn't be alive in the morning. I wish I would have mentally prepared myself a lot sooner. For the longest time, I believed you were invincible. I could not wrap my head around the fact that you were going to die one die and most likely before me. I used to think I couldn't live without you. You and Abby were my only reasons for staying alive at one point. And I'm sure at one point you were my only reason. But I have matured a lot since then. And although there are so many shitty things in this world, life is beautiful in a lot of ways. And it's short. It took your death for me to truly see how short life is. And if I were to die tomorrow, I wouldn't be happy with what I have achieved. I wasn't to have a good life and do good things with it. I'm still vaping but I really want to quit for both of us, and I need to quit. I know I can do it, I just have to really set my mind on it and be strong. I've been strong through everything else, so I know I can be strong through this. I wish I would have pushed us harder to quit together. It'll be okay though, and so will I, one way or another. There's so much I want to tell you, but I know your soul is always with me. Or maybe it's not and I'm wrong, but I would really like to believe that. It has got to be somewhere. I'm gonna go get ready for bed and hopefully get some sleep. Goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. I love you to the milky way and back. <3
Love, Madison<3 -hugs and kisses-
