Dear Mom,
I miss you a lot right now. I kept asking you for a sign, but apparently, you're stubborn. I know you can hear me. At least your soul can. I know you are watching over me. I have never longed for a hug as much as I do from you right now. I would give anything to feel your warmth wrapped around me once more. There's so much I want to tell you. So much I want to show you. So many people I want you to meet. So many songs I want you to hear. So many things I want to give you. But I can't. And that is the greatest pain of all. Losing a mom is probably hard for anyone. But, when that mom is also your best friend, biggest supporter, rock, and favorite person all in one- I can't think of a pain that would be any more worse than that. You were the only person that had my back no matter what. We went through everything together. We survived together. That is a bond like none other. My heart calls out to you. It aches and yearns, and it is so broken. It will never be fully healed. I have to walk around with this pain every single day, and it will never go away no matter what because nothing can bring you back. No one can replace you. No matter how hard anyone tried.
My anxiety is decreasing, on the bright side. I'm becoming more open at work. I went on a date. But, my feelings of depression are creeping up on me again. It's either that, or it's ADHD. I think I do have ADHD. What confirmed that theory for me is when I took Adderall. Oh, and, I have a Michigan accent already. I have for a while now. Nothing feels real. This world doesn't feel real. The only thing that feels real to me, is the pang of pain that enters my whole body whenever I allow myself to recognize that I am never going to see my mom again. The time when you were alive doesn't feel real anymore. It feels like it happened to someone else and I am just stuck with the painful memories of it The hour that I held your cold, sweaty, smelly, lifeless body will forever haunt me. But, for some reason, I wish I could go back to it. Maybe it's because during that moment, you weren't just a heavy pile of ground-up bones. Before all of your flesh, your beautiful skin was melted off, never to be seen again. Never to be touched again, never to be cut into again.
I feel like something is wrong with me. Now, I know there are many, countless things that are wrong with me, but that is not what I am talking about right now specifically. Two girls blocked me out of absolutely nowhere. And of course, I actually really liked them. Especially the second one, Daisy. It hurt me. It lowered the confidence that I was finally allowing myself to take control over. It made me feel like I did something wrong, that I wasn't good enough. That I am not worthy of love. Right now, I need love more than I have ever needed it before. I have so much love and affection to give, and so much room to receive it. The girl I just went on a date with, Lana, or Solana for full, started to not talk to me as much afterward. So, then comes my trauma response. Did I do something wrong? Am I too weird? Am I too ugly? Did I open up too fast? was there something I should have done that I didn't do? Am I not worthy of love? Am I destined to be alone forever? There are too many questions that'll never be answered for me. I mentioned what I was feeling to her. She apologized to me and said she did not mean to make me feel that way. I accepted the apology, but then I said something that I regret. I told her that I felt a connection the night we met. And maybe I should not have told her that because now, she isn't answering me, which hurts. I miss talking to her. More importantly, I want to see her again.
I cannot express how much I wish you were still here with me. I feel like a broken record, crying out to be changed. To move on with the next song. The next emotional chapter in my life. I have to work at 8 tomorrow, so I'm going to try and go to sleep. Make Lana answer me tonight, please and thank you.
I love you endlessly and I miss you incredibly much.
Love, Madison / your favorite daughter.
