Hate You, Love You. | Jenlisa

29

⚠️TW: Sexual Assault⚠️

With a final goodbye kiss, and a very heavy heart (because he bagged me to stay longer but I said no because it was getting late), I'm out door and int o the cool night air. Thank God I brought a jacket or it'd be an uncomfortable walk home.

It's not biting cold, in fact, it was quite sunny when I left home but it seems like the temperature dropped.

I love taking walks mainly because it's a rarity for me. I usually drive everywhere and it's making me a lazy ass. It's good to let your hair down and let the wind kiss your face every once in a while.

Kai offered me a ride home but I declined because I don't know if Mom's going to be home or not, and quite frankly, I don't want to answer any questions.

As my sneakers pad the cobblestone tiles and pass by the numerous shops, I think about Kai and I's relationship. I know for a fact that we are definitely not the ideal couple. Most couples go out on dates in public, but we can't, which for the time being is fine by me, but I have my doubts.

Maybe it's my insecurities speaking, but forbidden relationships end in two ways: a break up or jail time. Jail time is certainly crouching at Kai's door because I'm only seventeen. I'm still in high school and they'd say he manipulated me (that's how the narrative is always painted) but they couldn't be more wrong.

What we have is something... special. I've known him for a whole year and a half and we've been dating for 5 months, but I feel like I've known him my whole life.

He's sweet, caring, kind and he actually gets me. I stayed away from dating people in my high school for various reasons, the most important one being that I didn't trust them after what my dad did. It completely shattered me and I went through this phase where I thought all men were horrible creatures but he took me out of that place that I was mentally.

I'll never forget when I opened up to him about my dad and all the turmoil I felt inside. I was in a really foul mood and was highly emotional that day, but then he ordered chocolates from this new sore along with a bouquet of flowers and left it in my locker at the diner.

Still don't know how he was able to pull it off, but he did and my mood did a while 360 degree turn. I still get goosebumps everytime I think of those gifts.

I love him... I think... I don't know if I do because these feelings are so novel to me. The romance books I read from time to time describe love as the feeling you get when you have butterflies in your stomach and when your heart beats rapidly with just the mere thought of your lover. I fell all these things, so I think it's love.

But then the problem is does he love me back? I know he asked me to be his girlfriend, but does he actually love me? He buys me shit so that must count as something, right? You don't just buy chocolates and flowers, go out on dates and make out with someone you hate.

I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because I'm scared he wouldn't feel the same way. Plus, isn't it tradition for the guy to say the L word first?

Then there's also another problem: Lisa, the girl I can't stop thinking about no matter how hard I try to. Why did she try to kiss me that night? Was she caught up in the moment? Morese, why did my body want to give in to the kiss?

It sounds horrible considering I have a boyfriend and it took the rational part of me to stop before it went too far that night, but I can't help but feel a little conflicted.

Also, she's hiding something major. I know she says she's in a gang and they deliver drugs and blah blah blah but I feel like there's more that meets the eye. Why was she bruised they day she showed up at my home? What was she doing on Sylvia Street in the first place? Why does she even engage in weapon and drug pushing? A lot of things don't make sense about Lisa Manoban and it's unsettling.