Devasena - Bride of the War God

Chapter 12

Devasena frowned, "Skanda, I appreciate the fact that you are finally honest with me but don't expect me to magically forget five years of pain and uncertainty" 

"I understand that you meant well but it does not make those five years any less painful" said Devasena, angrily, "If you want to seriously ask for my hand in marriage, you need to prove your worth, just like you expected that I should prove mine" 

Skanda nodded, "Devasena, this confession was not made with the intention of minimizing the pain you endured because of my decision. I understand it is not easy to forget five years of your life just like that" 

Skanda stood up and knelt on one knee, "I am here today to bare my heart and to ask that you open your heart too. I am here to clear any misunderstandings. If after this discussion, you wish to move on, I will support your decision without any question. If you want to restart our relationship, I will put in all the efforts from my side too. If you want to take your time, then, I will respect your decision and give you your space" 

Devasena nodded, "Alright, let us try to clear the air today" 

Skanda nodded, "Devasena, I rejected you back then because there was another major issue that I was worried about" 

Devasena asked, "What is it, Skanda?" 

"We are in very different fields, you are a healer and I am a warrior. In my household, my parents are in different fields - my father is a scholar and my mother is a warrior and because of this, since childhood, I and my brother underwent a lot of insecurity. To please both parents at the same time was very difficult for us. One of us pleased one parent each. This led to a feeling of alienation with the other parent. For my brother, pleasing father was easy but he felt an emotional distance with my mother. For me, pleasing mother was easy but I struggled to prove myself to be a worthy son to my father." 

Devasena looked at him, in surprise, she had always thought Shiva and Parvati had an ideal marriage. 

"I know, you thought that my household had no problems like yours. The grass is always greener on the other side, Devasena. My parents marriage was one of love. They loved each other very much. Despite this, there are years of inferiority complex in me with my father because he often compared me with my brother in scholarship and vice versa for my brother with my mother. The feeling of not being good enough to a parent is crushing" 

Devasena nodded, she could relate to that horrible feeling  of never being enough to a parent, with Indra, on another level. 

"I did not want my children to suffer in this way" said Skanda, earnestly, "I promised myself that in my household, both and I and my wife would be warriors and my children would be able to please both parents with ease. I never expected that my heart would betray me and I would fall for a healer, instead of a warrior."

Skanda added, "You told me, Devasena, that I was five years late. I will tell you why I was five years late. The fact that I felt not good enough for my father was an ugly emotion that I strongly believed a good son must never feel. So, I suppressed this feeling for years. I pretended to be strong on the outside while feeling like a worthless mess inside. No matter how much of a great warrior I became, I felt I could never please my father who valued scholars over warriors. I tried to feel a connection with a fellow warrior, Valli but I failed."

Devasena felt pity for Skanda, "I am sorry you had to go through all this" 

Skanda shook his head, "No, I am sorry, Devasena for not being honest with you much earlier" 

Skanda continued, "This feeling of inadequacy to my father ate me from inside. My mother asked me one day why I refused to allow my heart a free rein. My mother asked me why I was suppressing my very obvious feelings for you, why I was forcing myself to build a relationship with Valli. When, with a mother's intuition, she so easily noticed my inner struggle that I hid from the entire world, I crumbled. The walls of my heart crumbled and after years of my life, I cried in my mother's lap like a child. I bared my heart and soul to my mother. She advised me to talk to my father and I did. After that much needed discussion with him, that was nearly a decade late, I felt much better."

Devasena gently patted Skanda's shoulder, "Thank you, Devasena" said Skanda, feeling genuinely touched, "I faced demons on the outside and defeated them. I did not destroy the demons that were tormenting me inside. It was you, who made it possible to face and destroy my inner demons. It was my love for you, Devasena, that forced me to finally confront the ugly feelings of inferiority and inadequacy. I owe you so much, Devasena!"

Still, kneeling down on one knee, Skanda embraced Devasena, "How could you, even for a moment, imagine that I did not care for you?" he asked her in a broken voice, "Before asking for your hand, I wanted to become a true warrior, inside and out. I wanted to become someone worthy of your hand in marriage. " 

Devasena was deeply touched, she had not imagined, even in her wildest dreams that Skanda was suffering so much. She recalled the enormous amount of pressure that Indra carelessly put on Skanda when he was a mere teen to lead the war against Asuras. She remembered how easily Indra shifted all blame of the Devas defeat onto a young teen's shoulders. With so much pressure outside and inside his house, was it even a surprise that he had inner demons that kept tormenting him? 

"I have bared my soul to you" said Skanda, "Whether you accept or reject me, know this, I will love you till eternity and I will respect your decision no matter what. Now, I ask Devasena, not as a Princess of Devas, not as Daughter of Indra and Sachi, not as Sister to Jayantha and Jayanthi, not as Fiancée to Skanda, not as daughter in law to my parents and a sister in law to my brother. I ask Devasena as herself to answer my question. I love you deeply and I will cherish you till the end of time. You made me grow as a man worthy of you. Devasena, will you marry me?"