Seeking Refuge | Neteyam

Chapter Nineteen

When we got back to the village, all went silent the moment the people saw Neteyam in Jake's arms. Tsireya walked hand in hand with Lo'ak as we approached Tonowari. Spider walked with Kiri. Neytiri held Tuk. I was alone.

My hand tingled as it remembered the sensation of holding Neteyam's. It stung. 

Tonowari took in a deep breath before turning to Ronal. "Get the people ready for a passing ceremony."

She gave him a small nod. They both had solemn expressions. She turned to us, "I am sorry." Then she left. 

Tonowari gestured to Aonung—the boy stood beside him with a mixture of shock and pain on his face. "My son and daughter will prepare your children. Jake, Neytiri, you may come with me to prepare your son," he said, his voice low and soft—completely different from his usual demanding tone.

We all shared nothing but nods as Jake followed him, Neteyam hanging in his arms. Neytiri placed Tuk in my arms before looking at us Sully kids. A tear rolled down her cheek, "I love you." And then she was off.

I turned to face everyone. Each of us had tears rolling down our cheeks and our jaws shut tight.

Tsireya opened her mouth, her word barely audible, "Come."

We followed her to her home. She and Aonung passed out some garments and pulled out some white paint. There were occasional whispers and quiet instructions, but other than that, it was silent the entire time. The air was stiff around us.

When I sat across from Aonung so he could put the paint on my face, he looked at me with a somber face. "I am sorry."

I bit the inside of my cheek. What was there to say to that? I couldn't say "It's okay." Because it wasn't. Nothing about this was okay. I mumbled, my voice somewhat hoarse from all my screaming, "I do not know what to say."

"You do not have to say anything," he looked away, dipping his fingers into the paint before making eye contact with me. "But I am sorry. Not just for...this. But for everything." I froze, but he continued as he began to put the substance on my face. "I am sorry for being such a skxawng and not accepting you guys. I am sorry for hurting you... for hurting him."

Tears pricked my eyes. And despite my efforts to stop them from falling, they did. I sighed, frustrated because I probably messed up the paint. I knew I shouldn't be annoyed with myself for crying. Before, I wasn't annoyed at all. But now it was just aggravating, and it made me feel more weak.

Aonung touched up the spot with more paint, his eyes intent on the area. "Do not worry. It is waterproof." He looked up and locked eyes with me. "And do not force your feelings away. The pain is healthy, it allows you to move on."

A quiet sob left me. My mother's words played in my mind. Don't run away from your feelings.

I slowly stood up, earning a concerned look from him. I shook my head as I stumbled towards the exit, "I need some air." I tripped over Lo'ak's leg but caught my footing and mumbled a sorry. Everyone's eyes were on me, but I ignored them and walked out.

"Ayn," Tuk's sad voice called, but I exited the tent.

My vision blurred as more tears filled my eyes, and suddenly, I ran into something. A gasp came from me as I stumbled back.

"Ayn'at-" Rotxo sputtered, looking down at me with wide eyes. My shoulders slumped forward as a sniffle left me. His entire expression softened as he gently pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know you loved him."

I sobbed before pulling back. I looked into his eyes, tears forming there as well. "Thank you," I muttered, before turning away and walking off to our tent.